The Human Dryer Sheet

whoever wrote this paper has the funniest phrasing possible

happy turtle bit off a cop’s toe in the hudson river day for those who celebrate

A CENTURY AGO

women are like diamonds: synthetically-produced women are not meaningfully different from naturally-formed women, and anyone trying to tell you otherwise is probably trying to justify keeping their women mines open

Women are like diamonds since they are composed primarily of carbon.

women are like diamonds because i never get any at poker night

i know medical reports have to write things this way, but when i see "dull mood, denies smoking" on my doctor's visit summary i can't help but hear "boring bitch and a croaking liar"

one of the medical reports for my broken leg called me attractive and pleasant, and I haven't let myself read another medical report since because I want to maintain a Schrödinger's cat type situation where the reports might say 'still attractive, would fuck' or they might say 'ugly now, aged poorly' and I'll never know because I refuse to let the wave function collapse into a single reality

"Whimsy" is truly a wretched term. What maketh thee so carefree?

thy mother

Art thou for fucking real

[taking you aside in the group masturbation vc] this place is a den of vipers... you are the only one I can trust