got hole on my mind like im jfk

Sex is cringe. "Hey do you wanna come over and play boners together?" What naked bullshit. They have played us for fools.

gets dragon insurance for my car in case a dragon fucks my car

DJ dubcon hopes everyone in the club is having a good time tonight but he’s not going to check

[taking you aside in the group masturbation vc] this place is a den of vipers... you are the only one I can trust

sticks my finger in the barrel of your gun so it backfires on you looney toons style but the gun moaned and now none of us know what genre we're in.

(voice of a person spiralling) its embarrassing but i still havent figured out if its ok for me to be alive

At the sex shop asking if I can buy a regular sized dildo I can put in my unremarkable asshole but they recognize me as the hero of legend regardless

[scoffs] You couldn't PAY me to jack off to Brian Griffin! [remembers the state of the economy] Well, you could, but it would have to be a four figure amount. [remembers to be honest to myself] Three figures. [remembers not to devalue my own labor] Four figures.

person who genuinely hates themselves so much they can barely look anyone in the eye: i must remain humble lest my hideous ego spiral out of control

i don't ship them i just think they could get ragebaited into having sex with each other

A firm, businesslike handjob

shipping a consensual, safe & sane pairing all the while i'm shaking my head in disapproval so the audience knows i still love wildly toxic abusive fictional dynamics

hey you kind of set off my prey drive. wanna get out of here ? you first

one moment ☝️ *pauses the blowjob to start violently coughing up blood*