Better Safe than Dead

oh my goodness, one of dian fossey’s first close up observations with gorillas happened when she was trying to climb a tree to see them better, but so badly that by the time she’d gotten up the entire group had come out of hiding to look at her: “Nearly all members of the group had totally exposed themselves, forgetting about hiding coyly behind foliage screens because it was obvious to them that the observer had been distracted by tree-climbing problems, an activity they could understand.”

hello, fellow apes

[Image transcript: porch. The group had been day-nesting and sunbathing when I contacted them, but upon my approach they nervously retreated to obscure themselves behind thick foliage. Frustrated but determined to see them better, I decided to climb a tree, not one of my better talents. The tree was particularly slithery and, try as I might, no amount of puffing, pulling, gripping, or clawing succeeded in getting me more than a few feet aboveground. Disgustedly, I was about to give up when Sanwekwe came to my aid by giving one mighty boost to my protruding rump; tears were running from his eyes as he was convulsed in silent laughter. I felt as inept as a baby taking its first step. Finally able to grab on to a conveniently placed branch, I hauled myself up into a respectful semislouch position in the tree about twenty feet from the ground. By this time I naturally assumed that the combined noises of panting, cursing, and branch-breaking made during the initial climbing attempts must have frightened the group on to the next mountain. I was amazed to look around and find that the entire group had returned and were sitting like front row spectators at a sideshow. All that was needed to make the image complete were a few gorilla-sized bags of popcorn and some cotton candy! This was the first live audience I had ever had in my life and certainly the least expected.]

imagine some freakish not-a-human alien THING has shown up out of nowhere and is trying to get into your office building to study you. but it has no idea how to get past a revolving door. it tries for three hours. by the time it finally understands the concept of a revolving door and squeeze into the building everyone in the office is crowded into the lobby to watch and call helpful suggestions. it’s conclusively determined that the alien is definitely not a threat, except maybe to itself.

Posts that be like “If I were a monster that had to eat people, i would just eat horrible people~” are so absurd to me. How often do you see Known Criminals on the street? Billionaires out for a nightly stroll around town? Effectively fucking never. If I have to drag myself to the grocery store, you think it’s gonna be any easier for me to hunt Bezos and Co. every time my stomach growls? I can’t bother to plan meals more than a day in advance, how am i gonna perform whole ass detective work to confirm someone’s a serial killer before i eat them? Ya’ll got that much time on your hands? Planning 5 course meals every night of the week? Don’t make me laugh. Eat a pedestrian and tragically wrestle with guilt like the rest of us, idiot.

When one of the non augmented humans wants to get mb's attention without putting their feed device on they just say 'ping' out loud. And it works

It's on preservation and one of its presaux humans has a cold and is laying facedown on the floor in misery and just says out loud "SecUnit will you order me McDonald's" and when it arrives twenty minutes later just says "thank you" and then the microwave beeps

the differences between alcohol, tobacco, and anything else in america is kind of absurd and it’s hard to wrap your head around without going kinda insane

you can drink alcoholic drinks in public if you want BUT ☝️ only in some places. you can smoke cigarettes almost fucking anywhere though, even though that makes the environment way worse for everyone around you. however you cannot smoke cannabis anywhere. you can’t even have it at all in a lot of places. having open containers (i.e. a bottle of liquor you’ve drank from before) of alcohol in your vehicle is illegal EVEN IF you’re sober as a nun. you can smoke in your car. everything has so much caffeine in it that sometimes a drink just hospitalizes or kills you. you can buy caffeine pills to stay awake at drugstores and gas stations. you need a drivers license to get decongestants and you have to jump through hoops and bark like a trained seal to get any kind of hrt or psychiatric medication. they sell cigs literally everywhere. they wreck your life and finances and make you smell horrid and give you cancer but a bunch of rich people are dumping so much money into keeping them legal that seemingly the only thing the government can do is “ehhh they give you cancer but we can’t BAN them.” cannabis has well-documented medical properties but old white people think smoking it makes you a satanist because of racist government propaganda. hell world

@hellenhighwater @copperbadge

These popcorns are very spicy.

reading this as someone who does cross stitch but is scared of the other kinds of embroidery is like overhearing an incredibly tall and buff person say they have beef with Mr. Tom, the kitten that chills at the bookstore

FUCK Mr. Tom and his stupid little fluffy tail ok. And his little charted designs.

Okay, but this neglects the true villain of embroidery stitches: the French knot

Don't you dare malign my girl again

Ok the french knot is very useful but it is a BITCH to do it consistently

We talk about how this website’s hate mail game is insane, but this might just be a new level

"skill issue" made entirely from French knots is a next level roast. no coming back from that one. damn

This kind of thing wouldn't be socially acceptable to do with photoshop and all of a sudden people think this is okay?