Gale: Surprise camp safety drill, everyone! Cultists of the Absolute are attacking, what do you do? Go!

Astarion: Gods below, not this nonsense again.

Gale: Time is wasting, people! What are you doing?

Lae'zel: Chk! I am going to bed. I will not waste my time with hypothetical pondering.

Gale: Alright, Lae'zel has taken an arrow to the face and is dead. Next person!

Astarion: I don't know, I do what any reasonable person would do. I stab them!

Gale: Wrong. They began their attack with archers and you are shot through with arrows before you can get near them. Astarion is dead. Next!

Wyll: Can't Shadowheart just heal them?

Gale: Shadowheart, would you like to heal Lae'zel and Astarion?

Shadowheart: *Considers.* Nah.

Lae'zel: *From her tent.* K'chakhi!

Astarion: I stab Shadowheart.

Gale: The two of you don't get opinions. You're dead. The cultists are now inside camp, what are the rest of you doing?

Durge: I cast fireball.

Gale: You cast fireball...on the camp?

Durge: Well, first I make sure that Scratch and the owlbear cub are at a safe distance, but yeah. I cast fireball.

Gale: Okay. The camp goes up in flames. The cultists are dead, but so are your companions.

Durge: Wonderful. I go to bed and have the most restful and uninterrupted sleep that my broken mind can remember.

*Lae'zel approves.*

- - - -

Ed Teach + tied-up hair

Alfred: Bruce we need to meet with the board for the Flood Relief Initiative.

Bruce, curled up in a little wet ball, sitting in a dank corner of the Batcave:

Alfred: Bruce. You need to shower and get dressed right now or you’ll be late.

Bruce:

Alfred, marching over: Dammit, Bruce- *grabs Bruce’s shoulder*

Bruce: *hisses*

Alfred: Shower. The board—do you hear me? What’s that in your ears?

Bruce: *plucks out AirPods* I was in the middle of the Black Parade, Alfred. >:-(

—

Alfred: Bruce you need to eat. Here, I’ve brought you some dinner. I expect you to finish all of this broccoli.

Bruce, huddled under the dining table:

Alfred: Bruce? Get up. You’re not eating on the floor.

Bruce:

Alfred: *taps Bruce’s thigh with his foot*

Bruce, recoiling: Don’t kick me Alfred I’m listening to Muse—

Alfred: Get those headphones out of your ears when I’m talking to you.

—

Alfred: Bruce, Dick needs help with his math homework and I’m not doing it. Get inside.

Bruce: *crouched atop a gargoyle outside his bedroom window, drenched from the rain, face streaked with black greasepaint*

Alfred: Bruce Thomas Wayne. Your ward needs help with his math. Get down from there this instant. Can you hear me? Have you got those bloody headphones in again—

Bruce:

Dick: Don’t worry Al! I’ve got it! *jumps out window, swings up onto Bruce’s shoulders, and pulls the AirPods out*

Bruce: Dick what are you doing we’re twenty stories up—

Dick: *flips back inside, drops the AirPods on the ground and stomps them to bits with his Superman light-up sneakers*

Bruce:

Alfred:

Bruce:

Alfred: Bruce. This is too much.

Bruce: what

Alfred: You can’t go on like this.

Bruce:

Alfred: Every single one of your shirts has a hole in it. You need to get some more shirts.

Bruce: idontwanttogotothestore

Alfred: Amazon.

—

Bruce, after laying in bed for a few hours and thinking about how much he doesn’t want to buy new shirts: *Goes on Amazon*

>Men’s shirts

>Fruit of the Loom 10 pack navy blue cotton t-shirts $30

>XXXXL

>Express shipping

>Complete purchase

Bruce:

Bruce, completely depleted of energy: Alfred I did it