unlike Neil, I think Andrew would be the one to make up his mind in the middle of it and simply tell Neil that he wants this, that heâs ready now (provided Neil wants it too), while refusing to let Neil handle any of the preparation himself (at least the first few times). but more importantly, for someone with an eidetic memory, memories of a painful past have a way of dragging him back into childhood again and again. more than anything, Andrew would need an anchorâsomething to remind him where he is and who heâs with. In this case, that anchor would be Neil. even though both Andrew and Neil would insist on a position where Andrew faces away from him (after all, Neil appreciates the practicality of it and the fact that it minimizes discomfort) it would still be important for Andrew to find traces of Neil wherever he could. his voice murmuring near his ear, checking in to make sure everything is okay, mixed with uneven breaths. and yes, for the first time, more than anything, Andrew wants Neil to keep talking. anything at all. whatever nonsense happens to cross his mind. every familiar note in Neilâs voice pulls him back into the present. thereâs Neilâs hand resting near Andrewâs head, the one marked with scars Andrew already knows by heart. he allows himself a moment of weakness and reaches for it for a split second, but thatâs enough for Neil to understand. he leaves his hand exactly where it is, because seeing that clear proof in front of him, that heâs with Neil, that thereâs something tangible to confirm it, gives Andrew that familiar sense of safety every time. Neil, who has never been particularly good at keeping quiet in bed, would be noticeably quieter than usual the first time. all of his attention would be focused on Andrewâtracking every reaction, listening for the slightest breath, the faintest hiss, any sign of discomfort or reassurance. more than that, how could he allow himself to fully lose himself in the experience, no matter how much he was undoubtedly enjoying it, when his first priority was Andrewâs safety and comfort? and Andrew wouldnât be Andrew if he didnât keep some measure of control, so of course he reaches one arm behind himself, gripping Neilâs thigh to regulate the pace and intensity. yet despite the way Neil manages to hit the right spot with rhythmic thrusts, despite the involuntary arch of his back, the slow kisses pressed against his bare shoulders and neck, and the steady hand at his waist, Andrew still keeps his reactions firmly under control. all Neil gets are short, sharp breaths and the occasional broken sound quickly buried in a pillow. eventually, uncertain whether heâs doing everything right, Neil asks in a hesitant voice, âIs this okay? Are you sure you feel good?â as he leans closer to Andrewâs ear. In response, Andrewâs grip tightens immediately when he notices the movement has stopped. âDonât stop. YeahâŚâ as if the tremor running through him wasnât answer enough. but again, itâs the awareness that itâs Neil. that Neilâs hand is laced tightly through his own, pressing their joined fingers into the mattress as everything speeds up. Andrew still canât look away from the scars on Neilâs hand. that realization, combined with the warmth of Neilâs breath at the back of his neck, finally draws the last strained sound from him. his fingers tighten around Neilâs as he pulls their joined hands a little closer, shuddering beneath the soft kisses pressed to his neck before finally letting himself relax. afterward, Neil is plagued by uncertainty over whether he should touch Andrew at all. but his hand has been resting at Andrewâs waist for so long already, moving in slow, reassuring strokes over a body still trying to catch its breath. only after several minutes does he finally speak, quiet and cautious, fully prepared to give Andrew space if he asks for it. âHow are you feeling?â
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