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Vampirism be like "your physical health will be pitch perfect forever, but your mental health is between you and god."

used to think it terribly silly (and kinda funny) when fantasy or sci-fi stories would have people refer to major recent historical events as The Flood or The Incident or The Revolution, and im sure historians fucking hate that because it's not helpful or descriptive, but we sure do be calling it The Pandemic

in the Egyptian wing of the museum and my boyfriend is like "what are all the time periods of ancient Egypt" and I'm like predynastic, early dynastic, old kingdom which is when the pyramids were built, first intermediate, middle kingdom, second intermediate, new kingdom which includes amarna period and yugioh, third intermediate, and then all the late period stuff and macedonian and roman eras. and he's like run that by me one more time

car is a sentient beast that eats dollars and can tell when you have money in your bank account

Horses are also expensive horses that love to die aren't they

auto immune disorders happen when the immune system ignores regulatory factors and begins attacking healthy bodily tissues, due to what scientists refer to as "sheer love of the game"

Keeping weed gummys on me like cyanide pill in case of capture

baseball fights are better than hockey fights because everyone expects a fight in hockey. baseball fights are some real hater shit