i was born dead

you gotta come to the club man drinks are $18 and were all on our phones googling dog surgery

Stop clicking on my thighs. Bro my cum meter isn't moving. You need to click elsewhere.

wish i could have been a fly on the wall for THAT conversation! not because i wanted to hear it or anything but because i'd be a lil buuuuug

Just saw a post talking about "having a superiority complex over not watching Disney live action movies" and I was like damn, the bar for superiority is pretty low these days. Just the other day I saw an open single-serve slice of American cheese lying on the sidewalk and I didn't roll it up and shove it down my gullet without chewing like a hungry duck, I guess that makes me a genius who stands above the vulgar masses like a god

being an early bird is soooo awesome taking the longest slowest most leisurely start to the day and it is now 8:25am

And this is of course not even mentioning the worm