I pulled my sister in law for the family holiday gift swap this year and I'm vibrating with excitement. I've been wanting to get her for years. she's the most basic woman I've ever met and I mean that with admiration that borders on fear. Her house is full of inspirational quotes in cursive. Her bathroom has a "Lashes Long Coffee Strong" poster and she doesn't even drink coffee. Her makeup is Did. Her hair is Did. She is fashionably tipsy at every occasion. She sells bougie wine for a living and brings a hair curler with her on vacation. She is the maximalist luxury target consumer for literally everything. I am obsessed with her the way a gay man is obsessed with Liza Minelli. I would buy her a pink rhinestone car with lashes on the headlights if it wasn't a bit outside the secret santa spending limit.
Ideas I've had so far:
A gold plated wine opener with her name engraved on it
some kind of classy-but-cunty Christmas decor. Something chi-chi and sparkly that's giving "oh, it's Christmas, bitch"
one of those instax mini cameras in a color like "blossom pink" because you know this diva scrapbooks
those little bone china Tiffany's cups that are made to look like cheap disposable paper cups but they're Tiffany blue and they say "Tiffany's" on them (because you know this diva is obsessed with Tiffany's)
a Swarovski birthstone bracelet because you know this diva actually gives a shit about her birthstone
I hope none of this comes off as sarcastic because if my kidneys were gold and made by Louis Vuitton I'd give her one of those. This woman is delightful and friendly and warm and organizes the family photo with an air of command fit for a British naval commodore. She is more self-actualized than me, she is happier than me, her chi is clean, and she still talks about her quinceañera. Her wedding was "Tuscan-themed." How do I please this perfect angel. What should be my tribute
