Some of this, Some of that.

so of course i did some research and i found out this is from a movie?

it’s based on the russian folklore of a knight (Dobrynya Nikitich) and a dragon (Zmey/”snake” Gorynych) who basically stole the prince’s neice and the knight had to help the prince kill the dragon

there’s more to the story but really all you need to know is this from wikipedia:

“The bylina starts with Dobrynya’s mother telling Dobryana to avoid the Saracen Mountains, to not trample on baby dragons, to not rescue Russian captives, and to not bathe in the Puchai River. Dobrynya disobeyed his mother and did all four things.“

And according to imbd this is the plot for the movie:

“Dobrinya Nikitich goes on a quest to save the royal niece and finds out whether his old friend Zmey Gorinich is loyal to him. During the adventures, he is accompanied by the royal messenger who’s in love with the royal niece.”

but in everything i’ve read there is not one mention of these girls or this scene and i have so many questions; who are they? what is they’re purpose? why are they in a rose garden? why is he in a rose garden? what time period does this even take place in?? what is the song about??? why her titties look like that????

“Ghosts aren’t real” it’s very fair and rational that you believe that

“Ghosts aren’t real anymore” I’m about to hear a poem or very sad story

you are annika "seven shots" hansen, brand new science ensign aboard the uss voyager, just graduated, ready to run as far from earth as space can take you. in pursuit of the maquis, you end up in the delta quadrant, marooned on said maquis' ship and awkwardly folding into their crew along with the rest of yours. your new captain, chakotay, is struggling to unite the starfleet and maquis crews. you yourself are not impressed, but over time, he wins your respect and your crew begins to work together to get back to the alpha quadrant.

you remain to the side of the crew, not ostracised, but a little alone. you pick up some shifts in the improvised medbay. occasionally, other crewmembers try to befriend you, or flirt with you, but that stops after you broke a crewman's wrist in a panic. b'elanna, at least, grudgingly approves. you have breakfast once a week with her and passive aggressively snipe at each other the whole time. it's the highlight of your social calendar.

then you meet the borg. based off your parents' crackpot notes, you strongarm chakotay into making a pact with the borg and you two liberate yourselves the only human drone you've met - one of the many starfleet lost in action, former chief science officer kathryn janeway, who is reckless, insane, angry, and bitterly driven to destroy the borg and protect her new crew with everything she has.

she's been assimilated for as long as you've been alive and had traumas that predate your conception. the joint funeral for her old ship was highly attended. she was the dead bestfriend of the turncoat security officer chakotay is still mad about having trusted. her every plan is an abstract suicide attempt and she does things to the ship's engines to get it going faster that makes your heart faint and b'elanna's hair grey. she has screaming arguments with the captain in the Mess Hall and insists on patching noxiously brewed coffee that make her borg-stomach sick into an iv line. she is absolutely petrified to be close to you in case she assimilates you by accident.

you still haven't beaten her at Velocity.

and what do you think to yourself then, annika "seven shots" hansen, thinly-masked neurodivergent who prefers machines to people and is openly scornful of the social rules everyone else seems to know (while also, desperately wishing you understood them yourself)?

The only way into my building is through the front door which locks itself when closed. There's a back entrance but it's deadbolted from the inside. This means the only people who can get into the building are me, my cat sitter with the spare keys, and the people living in the other two units.

The door to MY unit now... has no doorknob. Impossible to get in.

There is a shared BACK hallway that leads to the shared basement/back entrance. My back door into this hall is always deadbolted. EXCEPT, fortuitously, right now, since neighbor (Molly) in unit 2 had heard Patches meowing when alone and offered to spend some time with her, so I had the cat sitter unlock the bolt.

This, LUCKILY, means there is A Way into my unit. But it requires getting into the building, then going THROUGH my neighbors' unit into the back hall, then up to my unit.

Cat sitter is effectively locked out from Patches, and won't be able to get in if not fixed by the next day.

Text neighbor about predicament. They're willing to look at my door bUT (it's Christmas) they're not home and not getting home until the next day.

Next day, text for an update but hear nothing. (Neighbors aren't attached to their phones much). Communicate with catsitter saying "okay if I don't hear back from neighbors, maybe you go over and I contact a locksmith who you can let in?" (since cat sitter has the keys to the building)

Catsitter is very not keen on the idea

Patches is unaware she's a prisoner.

Hear back from neighbors. Say they should be home around 5pm.

Okay... Good Enough... (Patches graze-feeds so Luckily she hasn't missed any meals but we're going on 24 hours of house arrest Patches).

6pm comes. 7pm comes. 7:40pm I text asking for an update. Nothing.

8:30pm I'm figuring out what friends I can call to break into my own house. Text neighbor again and notice this text doesn't go through.

Text neighbor's partner being like "hey sorry, can't seem to reach Molly--". Get a text back "Sorry this is Molly on David's phone! My phone died." Family Christmas plans ran late but they're on their way back and will be home soon. Thank goodness.

9pm-ish, they get back, give Patches attention and top up her food. I get a text "David fixed your door!" Woo!

Friday 5pm I finally get home

Lugging my suitcase up three flights of stairs while I hear Patches meowing like a dying Victorian child

Shoes off coat off suitcase down fish out keys unlock door grab doorknob

...Doorknob falls off

Falls off right into my hands

Staring at doorknob. Staring at door. Patches meowing. Shove doorknob against door like an idiot and no it does not go back on.

Fucking

Go down flight of stairs, knock on Molly and David's door. David is luckily home. "My doorknob fell off again can I go home"

David lets me in. I scoot past their dogs and apparently I startled the more nervous one since she apparently tried to nip at me but I didn't even notice because I'm like my cat.

Get in through the back hall.

Patches comes bounding over.

My cat.

Doesn't even know she was a prisoner.

Doesn't even know what a doorknob is.

Later that night receive a text from neighbor apologizing for the dog and I'm like "I Did Not Even Notice."

Any attempt to leave my house now is perilous until I fix the doorknob.

Can't even leave my door cracked open because I know Patches is gonna shove her stupid little face through it and become the opposite of a prisoner.

I wanna go buy a reeces peanut butter cup but by god it's not worth the risk

I'm gonna try to fix the doorknob

Or... buy? a new doorknob?

On Amazon searching "doorknob".

You are completely right because I have now investigated the knob and can confirm the screw holding the knob to bar was loose. I have tightened the screw and it SEEMS fixed but I’m very Fool Me Once on this since my neighbor also thought they’d fixed it.

To swap in the new knob I'd need to cut a new knob-hole an inch higher in the door which

With what tools

That would leave an unused gaping doorknob-sized hole in my door which any robber the size of a weasel or smaller will use to rob my home. I don't need fucking Redwall in my home.

Probably bad for the integrity of the door

I don't wanna.

I think what I really want is just the knob like above tags said. Like the knob and the rectangular bar, which I can substitute in for my stripped-bare knob and rectangle bar. I WOULD do this with the new knob, but it's got two welded-on spokes poking out from the knob.

I can maybe drill two holes for the spokes in my door...?

(Squinting at shitty amazon listings trying to see if any knobs don't have the two spokes)

(I think the two spokes might be standard.)

Developing new respect for Jesus (carpenter).

In the meantime, because I'd already unscrewed a lot of things I DID take the genius action of flipping my current doorknob around.

This way the side that causes problems is on the INSIDE.

Doorknob fall of while INSIDE house significantly better than doorknob fall off while OUTSIDE.

I'm retightening all the screws.

So it does!

Never heard the term "spindle doorknob" before so I never would have found this on my own.

They're also all labeled "vintage" which extra feels right since my door predates the Cambrian Explosion.

Several dozen stories of other people getting locked in/out of bathrooms/basements/classrooms/bedrooms/buildings. Extra shout out to the person whose classmate managed to do this twice, in rapid4reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesdweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Patches is on my keyboard

whose classmate managed to do this twice, in rapid succession, to both sides of a classroom door after being saved the first time.

Several people taking this as a sign to go tighten their doorknob screws, including someone whose knob fell off in their hands while doing this

10 or so people reading the "can't have shit in Detroit" meme to mean I live in Detroit. Sorry to confess I'm a fake Detroitite. Doxxing myself by 0.00001% more by informing the world I live in not-Detroit.

Many many people wondering why I'm not pestering my landlord about this. Truth is my landlord is way too sexy, cool, fashionable, smart, pretty, funny, and popular on Tumblr to it's me. It's me. I'm me I'm my landlord. It's my condo. Including, with immense regret, every single doorknob inside.

3 separate professional locksmiths who have reached out offering advice, which is very cool. I have burst into a virtual hardware store clutching my shit doorknob and fainted, only to be caught by three very strong and cool locksmiths rushing to my aid.

ALSO MY PAPER TOWELS

(Ran out of paper towels)

Old knob coming off.

Wretched thing. Accursed knob of woe.

Get undid

New knob reign by forceful coup. Went to great pains to PRECISELY wait Patches is escaping

Patches retrieved

Anyway GREAT care was taken to ensure both knobs are ALIGNED, EVEN, SCREWED ON, with the wait hang on

Patches retrieved again.

Anyway

DOORKNOB SCREWED ON

KNOB