Tony was sitting on the couch flipping through his emails on a tablet when Steve called out, ”Hey, Tony?” from the kitchen.
Tony froze. Steve Rogers was asking him about Grindr? Who had even told him about Grinder? Who had told him about online dating? Who had told him about gay online dating? “Uh. Why do you ask?”
Something clanged in the kitchen and then Steve appeared at the end of the couch, rubbing a tea towel over his hands. He looked decidedly unflushed, and the only reason Tony could think of for that was that he didn’t know what Grindr was. Cause there was no way Mr. Nineteen Forties American Virtue was casually throwing around knowledge of gay “dating” sites with such reckless abandon. Was there? Unless - ?
Steve shrugged. “I was just wonder-”
“Did Clint put you up to this?” Tony looked around, eyes narrowed.
“What? No.” And Steve was such a horrific liar that Tony had to believe him. “I was just wondering, because you seem like the sort of person to have one, and uh -” now he was blushing a little “- I kind of wanted to get you coffee and I didn’t know if you needed to -”
“What? Steve.” Tony pushed himself up of the couch, tablet forgotten, heart in his throat. “Wow. Uh. I’m really flattered, and obviously you’re gorgeous and amazing, and who wouldn’t want to go out with you? And as I’m saying this I’m realizing I have no idea why I thought this sentence was going to end with me turning you down so, uh, yes. I mean, you don’t need Grindr to ask a guy out, Steve. You can just do it. And he’ll say yes. Apparently. With enthusiasm.”
“Um.” Steve was stock still, staring at Tony with such utter bewilderment that Tony rewound the conversation four times and replayed it in his head.
“I missed something,” Tony said, when the action replays provided no clues. “What did I miss?”
“I -” Steve said, and it was more a squeak than a word “- wasn’t asking… you out? Was I?”
“Start at the beginning.” Tony was starting to feel like the conversation was about to take a sharp left turn off a cliff and he wasn’t looking forward to it.
“I was asking if you had a Grindr because when I was at the store the other day, I saw they had Iron Man branded coffee beans and I thought you might like them, at least for fun and to see if they tasted any good. But when I went to buy them the lady at the counter told me you need a grinder to use them. And I know you’re really into coffee, but the machine you have is all so automated, I wasn’t actually a hundred percent sure they’d work in it. So I figured it was better to ask you before I embarrassed you and wasted food, getting you something you couldn’t use.”
“Oh.” Tony stood still and silent while he considered his options for having the floor swallow him whole. Obviously, the best solution would have been to have originally made the floors out of nano tech that could be controlled the same way as his suit, but it was a little late for that. Maybe DUM-E could set something on fire and he’d be urgently needed elsewhere, but how to signal that to JARVIS?
“Yes!” he said, too brightly, too loud. “Just fine. Ha ha. What a silly misunderstanding. Of course, I have a coffee grinder, I have like seven, and even if I didn’t, I’d build one, happily, just to grind your beans, oh god, I can’t believe I said that, please excuse me while I exit stage left, pursued by bear and my own mortification.” Tony turned on his heel and made a beeline for the door, but Steve, being a super soldier, caught his sleeve before he made it to the hall.
“Wait, Tony. Please.” Steve released him when Tony stopped and turned back towards him. “Did you - I mean - Did you mean it when you said you’d go out with me?”
“Don’t worry about it. You said coffee and I got confused.”
“I mean -” Tony shrugged. The only way to get out of this with his dignity intact was to hurt Steve, and that was something he definitely couldn’t do. “Yeah. Yeah, I would.”
“Oh!” This oh was bright and cheerful, like a door had just been opened to reveal a beautiful sunny meadow on a lazy Sunday afternoon. “Oh. Well, in that case. Maybe we can go back to the store and I’ll get you the coffee beans and then we can, uh, get lunch? Together?”
“I - well, yeah. Of course. That sounds wonderful.”
Steve beamed. “Okay. I’ll grab my jacket and meet you back down here in ten.”
“Uh. Okay. Wow.” Tony blinked at Steve until he turned to go, still grinning. “Wait, Steve?”
“There’s one condition.” Tony was smiling too now, unable to hold back a giddy grin to match Steve’s.
Steve bounced on his toes, like a little kid about to go to the zoo. “Anything.”
“Just don’t ask me what I thought you meant by grinder.”
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