Make Jazz Not War

I can try.

Thank you for reading the angst!

“Do you really think you can win this war, Megatron?”

“Win? My cause, will win. My Decepticons, will win. Me… I lost the second we ended in opposite sides, Prime.”

But others I’m all up for some

“Decepticons! Do not let Prime’s massive tits intimidate you!”

“Uhhhhh”

“My autobots, we can’t let Megatron’s shiny aft distract us in battle”

This movie used VENOM at a PRIDE RAVE in its PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL.

This is man and monster and they're both played by Tom Hardy, who turned the first movie into a monsterfucking movie in spite of the director's best efforts. This being put out by a studio that saw the response to first movie, kicked the director out, gave Tom Hardy free reign on the script, and hired fucking GOLLUM to direct. And when I refer to Andy Serkis as Gollum, I am not belittling him, but reminding you that this is a man who understands how to portray monsters, and has, in fact, played several.

This, my fellow denizens, is MAINSTREAM MONSTERFUCKERY, and has already turned a profit in its first week.

Chad and single dad. Makes everyone swoon, manly but not toxic about it. Will take new neighbors freshly baked pies to welcome them to the neighborhood.

Chad passing Incel. You see him and think one date won’t hurt cause he’s handsome but then he starts talking about eugenics so you excuse yourself to the restroom and slip out the window.

Baby boy. Baby. Chick magnet but only for genuine friendship and he will adore and lift them up.

100% pure genuine dumbass Chad. Has no idea why people are being so nice to him or why they keep giving him their phone numbers. Thinks Netflix and Chill just means watching a movie and hanging out.

Lesbian Chad. Respectful, honest, a girl you take back to mom and pop.

Lesbian Chad 2: The Lesbianing. Not the best girl to take to your parents but will be loyal to you and have your back.

Just a wholesome Chad dad that likes science and explosions. Probably thinks Jurassic Park is a good idea. Will take you out to a monster truck rally on a date.

Sapiosexual Incel. “Don’t even look in my direction if you can’t name at least 8000 digits of Pi!” “*Sigh* I’m so alone.”

The scientific term for this specimen is Chadius Dilfosaurus. Definitely thinks Jurassic Park is a good idea but only because he misses his friends. Likes it dino style.

songs about pining for a job with a company you love, songs about being happily employed, songs about the current employees pining for fresh new graduates, songs about being fired (in the tone of songs about being rejected)

magazines about 100 WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR COWORKERS, daytime talkshows watching fascinated the ugly aftermath of dysfunctional companies collapsing, no theoretical distance between “the bachelor” and “the apprentice”

labor law but in the tone of family law, shipping discourse but it’s about who ends up with what collective, mergers as controversial or exotic, child labor taboos… extended

sorry

so his solution for this problem was… to solely read serial web novels in languages that (1) he did not speak, and (2) for which there was no actual translation, fan or otherwise

apparently, the combined forces of “trying to figure out WTF is going on via the power of Google Translate" + “cultural differences in storytelling conventions” + “the inherent randomness of where the hell amateur authors are gonna take their plots”—those all mashed up to make stories that were unpredictable enough to keep him guessing all the time

then he described to me this totally batshit-sounding Hungarian story he’d been obsessively reading once a week for years