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Ram feels like a rollercoaster that just won't stop, it keeps leaving you disoriented with every new song, every unexpected turn Paul decides to take. It's an onslaught of information, sounds and lyrics and God damnit it sounds incredible (you're never going to admit that though. Except for maybe that song that went "hands across the water". You really liked that one. Is it because it sounded like Paul was imitating your voice/ songs?).

By the way, just why aren't the lyrics printed? It's as if Paul is forcing you to carefully listen to each word he's saying and because of this you're forced to absorb both the lyrics and the music at the same time without knowing what's coming next. It's infuriating, especially because you know there are secret messages sprinkled throughout the songs and it's already becoming clear that you're going to listen to this album again and again to pin down every single coded message Paul has expertly woven into this album.

This whole experience is making your hackles rise, because you've never been on the receiving end of Paul's cryptic songs quite like this. You've always been in the studio with him or in the same room while he was composing and, yeah, there had been McCartney but that was clearly Paul messing around and trying to get by, there wasn't a real effort to get under your skin, not like what he's doing with this new album. You're feeling like you're just another member of Paul's audience, a fan listening to his work for the first time and also like Paul's primary addressee at the same time, it's confusing and it's driving you mad.

You're halfway through the album. "Heart of the country" has just finished playing. A nice little tune that still managed to piss you off because you're still angry that Paul retired to freaking Scotland and then refused to see you for 6 months despite all the olive branches you extended, including one very poignant song (ahem, instant karma! The message was there even though it was a very angry and frustrated one "Come and join the human race" "why on earth are you there?").

It sounds like he's having fun up there. The amount of mixed feelings this thought brings is staggering. However, you don't have the time to dwell on them for too long because you're immediately slapped in the face by the honky-tonk piano and the jangling guitars of the next track: "monkberry moon delight". The tone clash of this song compared to the previous one leaves you reeling a little bit, you already knew that Paul was taking you in unexpected directions but the disorientation you feel is still quite significant. You haven't fully regained your wits when Paul starts attacking you with his potent, unhinged lead vocal.

So I sat in the attic, a piano up my nose

And the wind played a dreadful cantata (cantata, cantata)

Sore was I from a crack of an enemy's hose

And the horrible sound of tomato (tomato, tomato)

You're listening closely because you're forced to and you're immediately struck by the fact that Paul is leaning heavily into absurdism here. What do these lyrics mean? One thing you've learned from this album is that the more cryptic the lyrics get, the higher is the probability that they're aimed at you. You're going to pore over this song later, you already know it.

It sounds like Paul is having a bad time trying to create music in his attic. Are you the enemy that gave him pain? Possibly. Plastic Ono Band came out 6 months ago and you didn't pull any punches, especially with the song "God". You wanted it to hurt. You're still mad that Paul decided to drive you crazy with this album in return though.

Ketchup (ketchup)

Soup and puree (soup and puree)

Don't get left behind (get left behind)

Ketchup (ketchup)

Soup and puree (soup and puree)

Don't get left behind

(Don't get left behind, don't get left behind, don't get left behind)

You really wonder what he's saying here. Is it "catch up" or "ketchup"? He did mention a tomato earlier. You're unsure and you're angry because Paul didn't print the damn lyrics. "Don't get left behind" is it aimed at you? You're unsure. It could be Paul talking to himself, his worries taking over. You did make a solid debut as a solo artist with Plastic Ono Band and George had one too with All Things Must Pass. Paul's album was destroyed by the critics, it's probably only natural for him to obsess over not being left behind, trying to create something impressive to catch up with the other Beatles. You still itch to make the verse about yourself though.

When a rattle of rats had awoken

The sinews, the nerves and the veins

My piano was boldly outspoken

And attempts to repeat his refrain

"Rats" is he talking about you? No, alright, you need to calm down, you're already worked up and that isn't doing you any good. It's hard though because you're listening to ram, the new album by Paul McCartney, your ex-husband everywhere that counts except on paper (actually, maybe on there too: Lennon/McCartney); he's an insane genius of a musician and even though that is the reason why you fell for him in the first place, now the scope of his calculated anger and frustration is directed at you and analyzing the situation rationally requires a certain type of cool headedness that you have rarely possessed.

You take a deep breath while Paul carries on with his frankly impressive vocal performance. Maybe he's not attacking you here. It's more likely he's talking about the press. They've always been rats, always getting on your nerves and they've been particularly terrible to one specific singer-farmer recently. "Attempts to repeat his refrain" so Paul has realized that he needs to make a serious album. It pisses you off to admit this but that's exactly what he's been demonstrating with his latest creation so far. Ram is quite remarkable indeed. The word "attempt" catches your attention. It betrays a feeling of insecurity. To think that Paul could feel weak and insecure at this time seems laughable because you're feeling weak and insecure and when you feel that way Paul must surely feel strong. He did say it though. You don't dwell on these thoughts for long though because Paul has finished the verse and is already launching himself into the next one.

So I stood with a knot in my stomach

And I gazed at that terrible sight

He's creating tension. Every word is pronounced in a way that leaves you on the edge of your seat. What made Paul react this way? What is he gazing at?

Of two youngsters concealed in a barrel

Sucking monkberry moon delight

You let out a sharp breath. Your eyes snap wide open, your eyebrows climb up to your hairline. You stare at the record player but you're not actually looking at it. You're looking through it, trying to reach Paul because, what did he just say? Your gaze hardens, your eyebrows furrow, your lips form a straight taut line, your teeth clench.

You know exactly what he means with this line. You were right to feel wary when the song first started because this is just outrageous. These lyrics seem specifically designed to drive you insane.

The word "sucking", pronounced so clearly, gave it away immediately. Paul is talking about oral sex, and not just any oral sex he may have had in his life; he's talking about the one he had with you. "Two youngsters concealed in a barrel" two teenagers hiding and having their way with each other. "Concealed" because whatever they did, even if it were some innocent hand holding, had to be done in secret, hidden away. And Paul put it into a song. Shock and anger rush through you in equal amounts and the repeated "monkberry moon delight" that follow the verse don't help you calm down because they feel like taunts.

Maybe you jumped the gun with this interpretation but you're pretty sure you didn't. You know Paul and you know that he loves adding double meanings to his songs and if this is a song directed at you, which it very well might be considering everything that came before, then this is a double meaning only you will be able to catch. It's particularly maddening because if you're right you may want to talk to someone about what you uncovered but you'll be forced to stay silent because acknowledging this line and what it actually means is not something you can do. It would reveal everything you and Paul have worked so hard to conceal, all the sacrifices you made, even ruining the best thing that ever happened to you. No, you'll be forced to keep your mouth shut about it and go slightly insane while doing it.

The song is not even done.

Well, I know my banana is older than the rest

You're still fuming because of the previous lines when a startled laugh escapes you. "Banana" clearly calls a certain explicit image to the mind. It is true that Paul is getting older, that you're getting older.

And my hair is a tangled beretta (beretta, beretta)

And when I leave my pyjamas to Billy Budapest

And I don't get the gist of your letter (your letter, your letter)

This seals it. The song is directed at you. You and the angry letters you've been exchanging with Paul. Also "don't get the gist"? Of course he did, he's Paul, he knows you like no other. How could he not get it?

Catch up (catch up)

Cats and kittens (cats and kittens)

Don't get left behind (get left behind)

Catch up (catch up)

Cats and kittens (cats and kittens)

Don't get left behind

(Don't get left behind, don't get left behind, don't get left behind)

More of the same catch up, don't get left behind business. What's up with the cats and kittens? You frown but then you realize something. Maybe he wanted to make his daughters laugh. You still remember how Heather went on and on about kittens during the get back sessions, even though that seems so long ago now.

Monkberry moon delight (x20)

Is this what a descent into madness feels like? Now you're certain that he's talking about you, taunting you. He's reminding you of what you once had, what you once shared and it's frustrating you like nothing else could.

Paul really let himself go here, he's shrieking, wailing, he's all over the place and it all feels like a direct attack against you. You stare at your record player in complete outrage and yet still taken by his performance. You knew the man could scream but this is just crazy.

You feel jittery, Paul's vocals are making you want to get to your feet, jump, just do something with your body. So you do. You stand up and start to pace back and forth, just a couple of steps at a time before turning back around because you still can't stop staring at your record player, because Paul is insane. And as if the repeated "monkberry moon delight" wasn't enough he starts moaning. It makes you stop in your tracks and clench your teeth so hard you can feel a slight crack but you really don't care because what the hell? Is he serious? Is he actually simulating an orgasm? Your breathing comes out harsh and unsteady, heat is rushing through your veins and you're not sure whether it's entirely because of anger anymore.

The monkberry moon delight that comes after "what is it?" is too much, you tear your gaze away from your record player and pick up your pacing again only this time it takes up the entire room while profanities escape your lips. You know you look like a caged animal but you don't care because Paul just did that and it's too soon for your brain to form an adequate and calm response.

"Whoo" exhales Paul and you immediately turn around and glare at the record as if it were Paul himself. You shouldn't have because a new screamed "monkberry moon delight" hits you square in the chest and the squirming feeling makes its comeback.

The song ends and you're panting, rooted to the spot and shaking slightly. You can't believe the nerve of the man.