my crazy little head space

I feel like cursing my colleagues... they started to pick on me for everything. It's just two of them, but it gets under my skin.

I'm unsure what to do. I cried at work. I thought for 1 year that was my time. But assholes are anywhere.

It's so depressing.

My food intake became too much, and I got overweight. From one ed into another I guess.

But how do people survive this without damage? I don't understand. Two of my coworkers think I'm way too sensitive. Am I?

And back here... Well I got a weeding to attend and my apprenticeship to hold.

Well....

That's me on the wedding day. I gained way too much for my liking. I felt unsecure and stuff... but I went.

Also... I caught the bridal bouquet. Like me?! I did it.

That was amazing. My partner was not mad but also excited. It felt so good.

I lost the feeling about my ugly body. I was just happy and danced.

Today. Well it all comes back. I know I'm in the middle to find my weight. My body. But it's ridiculously awful.

AmI too much? Or not. I don't know.

It's so hard. Where is the end?Where is the line. There are so much lines asking different people.

It's my father in law and his girlfriend.

So I decided I need a fitting dress. I love gothic and renaissance stuff... So I decided on something special but this time I ordered it in navy blue and not black:

I was like: "Freaking hell... You look so fat after recovering from your ed..."

I was mad. Seriously. But you know what. Screw my thoughts and my bodydismorphia. I gonna wear this bc I want to and I think it's gorgeous!

I got curvy after recovery but I was before.

So why the hell should I hate myself for this. I had no life on eating nothing and purging. Now I got a new home,a job and love.

Long time no see. Still alive but did put all my energy into changing my life.

So I'm practically in the middle of moving to my new partner. Away from the city.

So I'm doing pretty ok with my ed at the moment. I'm at a really good weight keep going even though there are still this shitty thoughts. Guess that will hunt me forever.

But I try to ignore it.

I also got a job today. I'm just a temporary helper at the moment but this is still amazing after 2 ½ year being sick and not working.

Fotos are from Halloween but that's the latest I got... :3

Also my love for my pet snails grew and now I have 5 with a sixth one on the way.

I got still a lot financially issues... which is pretty bad for someone with an ed... but when the moving is over and I finally live here on the countryside I can relax a bit.

Also I apply for a new apprenticeship. So I have a lot of talking with different people to do. I hope I get a good one here.

You got this, girl. And you indeed look very cute :3

Oh my gosh... thank you so so much.

(っ˘ω˘ς )

So inner me was like: "Wear something pretty to make yourself feel better."

So I changed into something cute...

Other inner me: "Great! Now you look like trash with glitter on it." ☆ ～('▽^人)

Cutest trash bag with mental illness alive.

｡ﾟ(TヮT)ﾟ｡

Tried to draw it:

Guess my old friend is back.

I hate when this happens. I feel so terrible all the time and there is no joy in anything anymore. I'm just functioning.

Since my ed got a little more quiet my depression loves to act up like crazy. I really pushed my depression diwn a bit with the ed behavior.

Hopefully the clinical treatment will help me to find a way to deal with this without relapsing into old ways.

Still feels very strange to be this "big".

My weight is stable and I'm... healthier I guess? This is so strange. Today my lovely moon sugar and I are going to his family and celebrate a little.

I'm nervous about the food but I can do it!

Also he helps me to overcome another fear. I have drivers license but since 2014 I didn't use it... I'm so freaking anxious about driving.

So we cleaned the beautiful raven (= his car) and he let me drove it.

Such a beauty... Well both are. 😹

So. Let's see how today goes. I'm pretty sure it's going to be just fine.

Lul. Got tellonym. Gonna be honest there. It's an German/English acc guys.

But first! Sorry for being so silent for a while.

I had some big changes in the last month I've been going through. I got a separation from my partner I had. It was hard and necessary...

I wasn't happy anymore and few other things happened... shortly I couldn't grow and be me and most importantly heal.

Well... interestingly I wasn't single very long. It was unplanned and I don't understand why it matches so incredibly good but it just happened and I'm happy. Also... I feel alive. For a long time I was feeling dead.

I don't know... I feel free now and like I'm allowed to be me.

I don't have to pretend I'm normal... I can be this slightly crazy person and still be loved. I don't have to be a well-behaved gf who stays home and just does the household.

Actually... this change made me see clear. I'm going to be me now. As best as I can.

And maybe... this time... this one is the one and only.

Also an update on my ed... I got soooo much better since the separation. I gained a lot weight and I'm finally normal again. I hadn't a normal weight in like 7 years. This is amazing!

I'm a lot by my moon sugar darling. He doesn't live in the city and everything here is much slower and more chill. I feel really comfy.

I really thinking about moving away from the city... Just leaving my old life behind.

I'm shortly before going inpatient again. I got the weight and all the documents they wanted.

But I'm pretty clueless at the moment. I got a talk with the clinic for the treatment. I can't go there... Usually they did take people in treatment with my weight but it seems to have changed and now I weight too less.

It's so frustrating. I get told I don't need to make another eating disorder treatment because I'm seemingly stable enough but on the other hand I can't get treatment for my depression and borderline bc my bodyweight is with the ed background too low.

So my option is just find something else... or gain weight and apply again which all takes time. But I need to be ready in August this year to start my work again. I'm screwed.

I literally would like to quit all therapy and go to work like nothing happened. Nobody wants to treat me? Fine, I'm doing it myself.

Uuuuuggggh.

Only good thing is that I stay at home longer and can feed my birds on the balcony longer.

Guess I gonna be mothering those little ones longer. People started actually to call me momma bird or momma cat. (* ^ ω ^)

I treat those birds way better than myself. Actually I started to peel sunflower seeds bc they leaving them all around the balcony without even trying to open them.

I know I'm crazy. Sitting here with a 2 kg bucket of seeds peeling them one by one so they gonna eat them.

Also my interest in wicca stuff keeps growing.

My family is very accepting and supportive about it and it actually helps me kinda against my ed.

My little book of shadows is growing and I made a few magical jars for some people.