As of right now, May 14th, it has officially been 32 days of ACTUALLY trying to recover from my ED(ana). It's been so hard but I havent noticed much changes to my body, though the first few weeks really felt like I did cause I was hyper focusing on it - and maybe I'm just not noticing changes cause I'm trying not to let myself focus on it as much. Also, one of the reasons I am posting this to 'girl blogging' is because I have blocked all a4a/ana tags and refuse to see any more of that. And honestly I'm REALLY glad my family hasn't said anything, cause if they did/do then I 100% think that even a small 'Good job' will cause me to relapse hard. Personally, now I just wanna do pilaties so I can safely keep my body in shape, even though I know you're 'technically' not supposed to do that in recovery, but there's just some things I still want to have control over. And I will say, one change I HAVE noticed is my cheeks do seem bigger, HOWEVER apparently it's normal for them to swell up a little due to fluid retention from your body actually getting food after restricting, and it'll go down eventually.
My biggest reasons for wanting to recover was cause I knew I couldn't live my whole life like that - cause truthfully no - you can not actually live a life of happiness when you're constantly scared of going out, being with your friends/family, or even leaving your room, cause you think you'll be "tempted" to eat. And my other big reason was I've always been SO insecure about my chubby "baby fat" cheeks, despite being skinny, and my ED always tried promising me that if I just lost more weight, it would go away. However no matter what weight I was at, it never did. And sure, it could be genetics, but one thing that my therapist said really stuck out to me - that it could be cause, especially as a teen,I wasn't getting my period for SO LONG so my face just COULDNT mature no matter what weight I was at, and honestly it makes sense to me. As well as if you look in the comments of my other posts, a few other people said their face also never matured cause they had an ED in their teens. I'm 14 and have had an ED since I was about 12, though almost 13. So I REALLY REALLY hope it's not too late to fix the damage. And finally, the last reason, which kinda goes with the first one - I couldn't keep crying every night craving food but not letting myself get any because I convinced myself that 3 days of ⭐️ing, "wasn't enough". I would wake up in severe pain from not eating. I couldn't focus, and when I could? I would get UPSET, thinking that it was because I wasn't trying hard enough. But also because my ED held me back on SO MANY things. Like dying my hair - I wouldn't let myself dye my hair until I was at a certain weight, but of course it never felt like enough. Hell, I would skip hangouts with my friends and family cause I either thought being around them would make me eat, or that I wasn't skinny enough to enjoy being around the people I love.
If you've made it to the end, thank you so much for reading. And if you're questioning recovery? Please please please take this as your sign to go forth with it - trust me you will be SO MUCH happier. And maybe it's cause I'm actually ALLOWING myself to do the things I love like dying my hair, doing makeup, hanging with friends - I truly feel more like myself, even a little bit. It is so worth it, even though it has been INCREDIBLY hard, and I know it still will be for a while, but I'm fighting for my life back.
