Toya In Wünderland

When I was a kid, I was convinced that I was going to be a teacher. I used to line my teddies up and teach them truly nerdy stuff (thank you, Horrible Histories and Horrible Sciences) and make them write essays. Then I got a bit older, and I realised I loved the written word more than I loved anything else. It’s interesting, because the sperm donor most people would call my ‘father’ wielded…

I miss you every day, nanny. It’s been a year already, which can’t be true but somehow is. I think about how much you’d have loved Azia, and how she would have always wanted to be around you. Her smile would have been your favourite thing. You got me through the first act of my life, and she’ll get me through the second, but I wish you’d met in the middle. Maybe you did; it’s hard not to see you…

Gorgeous Cover This book is expected to be released on 15 August 2024 and is the second book in the Mischief & Matchmaking series by Emma R. Alban. The enemies-to-lovers queer Victorian romance follow-up to Don’t Want You Like a Best Friend, in which a young lord and a second son clash, but find themselves thrust together again and again by their meddling cousins. “That man is, without a doubt,…

366 days ago, I went to an event in a park that I’d been looking forward to for weeks. The weather was lovely, I was caffeinated up and thoroughly content. I had made plans and I was on time and I felt good. The holy trifecta. I then proceeded to not only not attend the event, but sit awkwardly nearby whilst it started, trying to muster up the courage to go in. The event wasn’t out of my purview,…

“You’re glowing.” “Pregnancy is so beautiful.” “What a miracle.” Lies. Lies. And more fucking lies. We need to talk about pregnancy. We need to talk about this special level of hell, the one Dante didn’t know about because he didn’t have a womb. I don’t mean to shit on it because it’s fucking WORK – but there is a level of honesty that isn’t maintained in the narrative. And knowing what I…

It’s 1 in the morning in Madrid and I’m sitting curled up on the chair in the corner of my hotel room. My best friend is sleeping and Batman vs Superman is on in the background, dubbed in Spanish. I’ve cracked a coke from the minibar – for the first time in my life – and I’m craving ceviche. I should be sleeping because we’ve knackered ourselves out today and we wake up early, planning to do the…

I binge read this yesterday and loved it. It sparked my interest in finally posting my highlights and notes on Instagram. I read a lot, but only a few books really grab me to the point of highlights on every other paragraph – and I am always dying to share these with people but that’s hard to do without spamming. It’s a really crucial read about autism and addition; something that is very…

I share all the sordid details of my life on social media, without even hesitating about doing it. I don’t think sharing my world is a bad thing, nor do I think of it as seeking attention, although I know that many people do. And so I have been wondering lately – as I experience the biggest chain of life changes I ever have – why I enjoy letting everyone into the events. Without judgement and…

I was socialised as a girl; that soft, meek thing who unleashed sin on the world. Soft in body, soft in mind. I was raised to pander, placate, please. When introduced to strangers, I was taught to smile – even though they had done nothing to earn it. This set a dangerous precedent. Just as strangers were bestowed access to my facial expressions, they would perceive access to my body. Long before…

I was doing some self work (eurgh does it ever end?) and one of the prompts was to consider which aspects of a relationship I find important. I’m not sure I had ever actually thought about it (can’t know what you want if you don’t know who you are, love)! The prompt came with a helpful list so I circled the ones I liked, as…

For a while now – you simply can’t put a time frame on it – you’ve been trying and failing to stay steady in the maelstrom. You haven’t quite been successful (by the standards that trauma has constructed in your mind) and you’re angry at yourself. You should be angry at the world, at the unspoken rules that force you to survive rather than rest, angry at the people who put you on the back foot.…

Why Is It Spicy?

There are neurodivergents who rely on self diagnosis alone and it’s totally valid. It doesn’t make them any less neurospicy. So I didn’t really think much about pursuing an official diagnosis once I realised that I was somewhere on the spectrum. In my mind, it wouldn’t change much, and it didn’t really matter to me to have ‘proof’. Honestly, if it wasn’t for the spidey senses of friends, I…

You didn’t imagine that you would see her there. It’s not that you weren’t thinking about her. If you’re being honest with yourself; you think about her often – way more than you agree you ought to. You justify wayward reminiscing by reminding yourself that at the time, it felt like she destroyed you. She didn’t, of course not, but you still feel the breathless ache of missing her. Your heart…