space invader ✨️

"when people ask how you're doing, they don't really care." most of them do, actually, the amount they care is just directly proportional to how well they know you. you're just mad you can't be the main character of the Twice Daily.

if i am doing shitty and the check out girl asks me, "how are you?" i will say,"man, i've been better." we are strangers to each other. she doesn't need to know my whole life story. she doesn't need to know about my credit score and my hemorrhoids or my uncle in the hospital. she just needs enough to respond "been there, buddy. hey, at least the day is almost over?" and then we part ways. i have been on both sides of thousands of exchanges like this, the only one making you do a little song and dance is you, my friend

they should invent a body that feels normal to be inside of

Are they like..... Yknow.... [Goes to do a hand gesture but forgets I'm a wizard and I accidentally cast Lv50 lightning bolt]

Ad blocking/reporting should have some sort of an "I never want to see this fucking ad again and if you fail me and show it to me again I will track down where you live and fucking kill you" option.

Item: bayonet violin with scope for precision ranged spells

I need to admit something to the US Tumblrinas. Philadelphia isn't a place to me. It's a cream cheese. You say "philadelphia" or "philly" and I immediately, and exclusively, think of the cream cheese. "Twelve people die in Philadelphia disaster" wow that must've been a Molasses Flood style event

"dni if you engage with irredeemable media! dni to kill a mockingbird stans" ok well CLEARLY you have never read to kill a mockingbird if you think it's irredeemable media and also having a book that was published in 1960 on your dni stan list is kinda ridiculous actually

i literally do not think any of you have ever read a book published before the 2000s before in your entire life

#'Dni if you've read to kill a mockingbird' what's is this the Florida banned books list #Who r u Ron DeSantis

You really buried the lede by only mentioning To Kill a Mockingbird

Undertale?? THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS???

WHAT

I don't know how I can possibly be clearer about the magic school bus salmon sex scene.

it’s amazing how women are able to navigate crowded rooms without ever touching a palm to a man’s lower back

you'd think occasionally men would need to touch other men like this to manoeuvre them out of the way but it never happens

they should invent a job that doesn't affect your schedule or energy level that you don't have to go to if you don't want but you still get paid