*twirling my hair around my finger* hes just soooooo burdened by his sense of duty and the insurmountable weight of being a mere man written into the role of a myth

All my haters become negotiators when they face my hostage situation of success

Why did they start shooting at me with 50 calibur pistols when i try to see the fat guy leather rodeo at pride

i was humilated like a thirsty donkie again i feel like im just not welcome at these things

everyone needs at least one skinny friend in case you end up in an amigara fault type situation. they can rescue you

notice that no one on MTV Cribs has an emergency eyewash station

weed isnt dangerous because its a "gateway drug" or whatever its dangerous because it puts you in the exact mindset to post song lyrics without context as if it's the sickest thing you've ever heard

mutuals can always dm me but be warned i talk like your coworker who is trying too hard to get to know you and my response times are akin to the response times you might get if we were communicating by letter

finding somebody who will laugh at your shitty jokes is joy-inducing but finding a motherfucker who can yes-and all the esoteric bullshit you put out is pure cocaine. this must be the shit all those racuous but good-natured scoundrels down at the tavern are on