Paragon in the streets. Renegade in the sheets.

Part 3: The Baddies

Johnny Depp as Raphael

CONTROVERSIAL Johnny Depp does character acting so well, but he’s another sad, abusive, mess of a man. Also, pretty sure he’s a raging alcoholic. You play Hunter S Thompson ONE TIME and that becomes your whole personality.

Mel Gibson as Ketheric Thorm

CONTROVERSIAL Mel Gibson is good actor but an absolute dumpster fire of a person - physical abuse and multiple abusive, racist, anti-semitic and homophobic rants.

Jared Leto as Lord Gortash

CURSED Both have very punchable faces. Leto would go full method and make production a living hell for all parties involved. Some of which deserve it, ngl.

Miley Cyrus as Orin the Red

CHAOTIC (NEUTRAL) I actually think Miley would be fabulous in this role. She comes off as a bit unhinged anyway, so it weirdly works.

Melissa McCarthy as The Elder Brain

CHAOTIC (GOOD) Just imagine rolling up to the biggest baddest and she sounds like a G-D over caffeinated Midwest soccer mom.

I’ve thought about this way too much.

Part 2: Extended Party

Lea Michele as Minthara

CONTROVERSIAL She’s known for being kind of an asshole, which, if she could read, would probably hurt her feelings.

Brad Pitt as Halsin

CONTROVERSIAL Looks are passable, but the vibes are off. There’s a reason his kids are no longer in contact with him.

Also, he and Gwyneth Paltrow were an “it” couple in the ‘90s - looking forward for some ex tension that culminates in Halsin and Jaheira eventually rocking the same haircut.

Gwyneth Paltrow as Jaheira

CURSED I find her absolutely insufferable. Unlike Jaheira, I could totally see her using the scroll of immortality.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Minsc and Taika Waititi as Boo

CHAOTIC (NEUTRAL) The Rock plays The Rock in every role he’s ever done. And Taika Waititi is a delightfully chaotic soul who will steal the show as Boo a la Korg in the cinematic masterpiece, Thor: Ragnarok.

I’ve thought about this way too much.

Part 1 : Main Party

Machine Gun Kelly as Astarion

CURSED Ever wonder what Astarion would be like if he all of the attitude and none of the charisma? Now’s your chance to find out! Plus, I get the feeling he’d get way too into his vampire role and make it his entire personality.

Ariana Grande as Lae’zel

CURSED Notoriously difficult to work with and 100% will break up another cast member’s marriage (my bets are on Pratt).

Chris Pratt as Gale

CURSED He's really just The Worst Chris™ - and that's saying a lot with Cristopher Columbus in the running.

Rachel Zegler as Shadowheart

CONTROVERSIAL She is an incredibly polarizing figure for reasons that, from a casual observer, seem pretty dumb (Disney adults are exhausting and unrelated racism).

Kevin Hart as Wyll

CURSED Look, I love Wyll, but I’m just imagining a 5’4” Blade of Frontiers asking mommy Karlach for “uppies”.

Megan Thee Stallion as Karlach

CHAOTIC (GOOD) Real Hot Girl Shit™ but literally. She’s tall, gorgeous, charismatic and likes to dance. Fight me; she’s perfect.

I’ve thought about this way too much.

Whoops. Looks like intrusive thoughts won.