Rewrites and Cul-de-Sacs @dukeofriven - Tumblr Blog

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wilwheaton

“But it gets worse, because that same executive order about mail-in voting also directs the Department of Homeland Security to build its own state-by-state lists of who’s eligible to vote, exactly the kind of national database you’d assemble if your real plan was to pressure states into purging their rolls. If that sounds like paranoia, it’s only because we’ve already forgotten that we lived through it. In 2000, Jeb Bush’s secretary of state, Katherine Harris, who also happened to be co-chair of his brother George’s Florida campaign, hired a private firm to scrub the voter rolls using a list of supposed felons that included eight thousand names shipped in from Texas. The matching was deliberately loose, flagging anyone whose last name was an 80 percent match to a felon’s, and the Brennan Center later found that at least 12,000 eligible voters were wrongly purged, 22 times George W. Bush’s 537-vote margin. Black Floridians were 11 percent of the electorate and 41 percent of the people thrown off the rolls. Bush took the presidency by that sliver, and the Florida Supreme Court-ordered recount that would have caught the theft was shut down by a Supreme Court whose deciding majority included a justice his own father had put on the bench, Clarence Thomas, whose wife was at that very moment collecting résumés for a Bush administration, and Antonin Scalia, whose sons worked for firms representing Bush, neither of whom saw any reason to step aside. That’s the voter merge-and-purge playbook, and they’re dusting it off on a national scale for this November with new, borrowed-from-Putin tweaks. Or at least they’re trying their hardest to.”

— This confession proves Trump’s terrified cronies know what’s coming for them

vedajuno

I can’t hate on him for being the original but I for one am very VERY glad that science fiction pop culture has finally managed to escape E.T. (1982)

vedajuno

For a solid thirty years straight if an alien in a movie was supposed to be in any way sympathetic you were getting some doe-eyed, rubber headed toddler looking freak of nature, and now you walk into a theatre in 2026 and hollywood will attempt to have you cooing and awwing over something that looks just a little bit like a nightmare

dukeofriven

What are you talking about. ET was a sentient screaming piece of ambulatory fecal matter, he has always been a nightmare.

theonion

In a statement delivered to friends, family members, and household pets, Kendall Garretson announced Monday that she would like to become an 13-ton, 275-horsepower John Deere row-crop tractor when she grows up.

Garretson, who turned 5 in May, developed an interest in becoming the powerful motor-driven vehicle during a recent trip to her grandfather’s farm. According to sources, the young kindergarten student made her decision based on a number of key factors, including her desire to have “big wheels,” make holes in the ground with “a digger,” and chase birds and butterflies through fields of sunflowers.

“I’m gonna be a tractor,” Garretson said. “Tractors are fun.”

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prokopetz

They say that sudden, intense cravings for very specific foods are usually a sign of a vitamin deficiency. If so, that I'm presently making myself french toast, scrambled eggs, and a bacon and cheese sandwich at 11:45 PM must mean the vitamin I'm missing is grease.

prokopetz

I cross-posted this to Bluesky and got followed by a bunch of folks with blog headers clarifying which exact flavour of Christianity they adhere to because they thought I was making a hashtag-relatable post about cheating on your diet. Now we get find out how many of them are also comfortable with posts about werewolf cock.

dukeofriven

Well that also depends on their respective diets.

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prokopetz

Squinting grumpily at the latest "system-neutral fantasy sourcebook" trying to puzzle out which specific version of Dungeons & Dragons the author is picturing when they imagine a perfectly generic RPG.

dukeofriven

Flip to the section on elves, maybe you can tell by how many well-intentioned reparative racial subcategories there are.

prokopetz

Sometimes in spite of the complete absence of explicit game mechanics you can 100% tell that the sourcebook in question is situated in a milieu in which "elf" is a character class.

Flip to the section on elves, maybe you can tell by how many well-intentioned reparative racial subcategories there are.

My new TV Series The Other Other Other Bennet Sister about Mildred, the secret sixth Bennet sister who lives in the attic and subsides on a diet of fish heads.

#oh I see you out there trying to give this shitpost THEMES about the treatment of women and mental illness in the 18th century #I rebuff you and your meddlesome social conscientiousness sir madame or other #this fine shitpost needs none of your blue light sermonizing and mawkish moralizing #Fish Head Mildred is her own woman and doesn't need you projecting ROLES or MEANING onto her #she's a crazy lady who lives in an attic and only eats fish heads and that should be ENOUGH for anyone of good breeding and sense #away with you and your pretensions to allegory and metaphor — go and darken my towels no more! Scoot!#pray your boorishness may not drive me to find recourse in hissing noises and a spray bottle #Do I spritz my bottle at you sir? I do spritz my bottle at you which is a disgrace if you cannot bear it wait no we've changed genre #pride and prejudice #jane austen #the bennet sisters #the other bennet sister #fish head mildred only wants to marry for cold hard cash #to buy more fish heads

I am going to publish a book called Pride and Prejudice and Zombie. "They already—" No no no, I'm not taking about the lousy aughts meme-novel that asked the question 'what if a superficial understanding of a classic novel were mashed-up with the most popular genre buzz word of the present moment' (which is literally how that book was made), that would be very tiresome and I already found it tiresome when it was new. I have no interest in watching badly-written overly-modenized Austen pastiches hack-up regency-era zombies while quipping about the patriarchy, how trite.

My novel will read exactly the same as the original up until the point where Lydia goes to Brighton, but rather than eloping with Wickham and bringing shame and ruination on the family, Lydia instead elopes with a zombie and brings shame and ruination on the family. He has no conversation, he smells terrible, he is even less capable of checking any of Lydia's worst impulses, and of course, he can't dance because Thriller won't be written for another two hundred years. And I know you're saying 'that's just Mr. Hearst with worse skin' and I understand what you're saying, but Mr. Hearst doesn't keep trying to gum the other members of the assembly with the ruined orifice that was once his mouth.

It's critically important, you understand, that the zombie is not physically dangerous: I want to take the idea of a mindless animated shuffling corpse seriously, which is to say it is gross but harmless. (Its sinews are decaying: the worst it can do to you physically is sort of lean on you and give you a disease, which makes it no different from anyone else in the 18th century.) No its real danger is social: how will Lizzie convince Darcy that her embarrassing relations are not an impediment to marriage when her new brother-in-law keeps trying to eat, however ineffectually, Lady Catherine de Bourgh? How could Jane ever win back Mr. Bingely when even his eager good nature is faced with a man who keeps leaving unmentionable bits of himself on the floor in refined company? And how can anyone explain to Mr. Bennet that despite his many droll observations that Lydia has found the one man who will never tire of listening to her prattle, none of this is funny?

#pride and prejudice #jane austen #this might be one of stupidest posts I've ever written #and that's a deep bench of talent #the bennet sisters

For the moment I've had to go back to Google despite my better judgement because duckduckgo simply doesn't work. It's not just a less efficacious search engine its frequently a useless one: I had to look up a master list of the Sailor Scouts today for a joke and it couldn't deliver. Rather than refining your search, adding extra terms just eems to stress it out and its results get even worse. I consistently switch back to google and find what I'm looking for — not as well as I used to do but better than DuckDuckGo. Can anyone out there recommend a Google alternative that works?

#google #duckduckgo

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prokopetz

It's fine to disagree with the IAU about the definition of "planet"; however, if your definition includes Pluto but not Ceres, Orcus, Haumea, Quaoar, Makemake, Gonggong, Eris or Sedna, you don't actually care what a planet is – you just want the exact list of nine planets you learned in primary school back. Your cute little Pluto-including orbital distance mnemonic ought to be at least seventeen words long, and good fucking luck with the Q!

thefiresontheheight

My Very Exciting Magic Carpet Just Sailed Under Nine Orphic Palaces, Slandering Hungry Quaker Matrons Going Erotically Southward.

prokopetz

I appreciate that you included Salacia but not Charon – really threading the needle pedantry-wise there.

iykury

iy think any planetary-mass object should be called a planet. the moon is a planet. so are the galilean moons. ganymede is bigger than mercury, so whiy not? just because it happens to orbit another planet too? a star can orbit another star, so whiy can't a planet orbit another planet?

prokopetz

Sometimes when I'm feeling especially contrary I'll advocate for a definition of "planet" which includes the inner planets, the trans-Neptunians, and all planetary-mass moons, but specifically excludes Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune.

dukeofriven

It is only a planet if they have an associated Sailor Senshi in Sailor Moon. So, depending on how broadly or narrowly we're accepting reference points from the wider franchise, several asteroids, The Moon, any tiny version of the Moon, and certain cats and near Middle Eastern goddess are all planets but crucially, in all cases, the Earth is not. I think we can agree this is the only valid solution.

#sailor moon

zim-kinnie

Whenever Americans use Cryillic like. That. I just. Instantly shrivel up an cry

zim-kinnie

Like idk how to tell you this but н isnt h and и isnt n

skyheartstar13

It’s true and you should say it.

zim-kinnie

Я isnt R

Р isnt P

В isnt B

shipping-is-life-1-0-1

If you want to explain, what does it mean then? 0.0

zim-kinnie

н makes n sound,и makes ee sound, я makes ya sound, р makes r sound, в makes v sound

shimmedmilk

you mean, like, ня?

aveture

oh no. It can be made with Cyrillic now

zim-kinnie

ня

verminviscount

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE EXPLAINED

zim-kinnie

НЯ

degenerate-perturbation

НЯ

OH. GOD.

THATS SO FUNNY

My latest Guardian Books cartoon

angelicguy

my toddler is 3 years old and wont eat anything other than fine porterhouse steaks and sweet port wine

milk5

you need to discipline your child. port is a horrible choice for the main course and wildly clashes with a rich béarnaise.

angelicguy

dude hes three….

bumblr-dotcom

And uncultured. Get a new child

mleelunsford

Susie and Noelle fan art, with apologies to Frank Frazetta

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Pride and Prejudice is a book about people taking enormous shits on Jane Bennet and her pitiable attempts to make excuses for them until you want to strangle her. The Bingley sisters could construct a multi-story custom prison called the The Jane Bennet Whore Garret For Jane Bennet Hussies Who Suck And Are Scandalously Rural And Unfashionable (with its name in six foot letters across every side and engraved on every interior wall) whose sole purpose was to imprison Jane Bennet and redirect the entire London sewer system onto her person 24 hours a day, and Jane Bennet would still insist that, somehow, this was purely the result of an unlucky series of complete coincidences or, at worst, an easily forgivable misunderstanding for which she herself is the most blameworthy party, and she would beg her visitors not to hold it against the Bingley sisters who were, at heart, very well meaning and motivated solely by their own moral rectitude.

Lydia Bennet's an ignorant ass, but I say Jane Bennet deserves to be called out more often as the dumbest member of the Bennet family—Lydia's no more or less stupid than we all were at 15, but Jane is 22 and has much less excuse. I think most of us have had a Jane Bennet as a friend, and very few of us have been able to tolerate staying her friend over any expanse of time.

#pride and prejudice #jane austen #jane bennet #lydia bennet

theonion

Study Finds iPhone Lowered Birth Rate

A new paper published by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that the release of the Apple iPhone in 2007 contributed to a decline in the birth rate, especially among teens and young adults. What do you think?

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