In six years of gathering and experimenting with resilience tools and anxiety remedies, two competing bodies of work emerged. The first is what I call a masculine approach, centered around the power of the mind and taking action. In contrast, the other body of work that emerged from my research is what I call a feminine approach, centered around the power of the body and reflection. Both approaches share the same goal but their methods are polar opposite. 

Masculine practices use the findings of positive psychology and the entrepreneurial mindset to essentially ‘stack dopamine’. Dopamine is a powerful neurotransmitter, known as ‘the feel good hormone’, that we experience when we achieve a goal. It’s great for building a sense of momentum which is invaluable for transcending resistance and learnt helplessness. 

The downside of this masculine approach is that relying on dopamine production is firstly addictive and secondly unsustainable. There is only so much dopamine we can produce and action we can take until we reach a point of adrenal fatigue, better known as burnout. 

A feminine approach, on the other hand, calls on the findings of ancient practices such as yoga and buddhism which have inspired studies into fields like self-compassion and polyvagal theory. These practices work with the power of the body and the activation of the parasympathetic nervous system to produce oxytocin. Oxytocin or ‘the love hormone’ helps us to rest deeply, to trust and to feel unconditionally accepted and supported - which are crucial ingredients for weathering the storms of uncertainty. 

The downside to this heart-centered approach is that reflection is an internal process for integrating our experiences, if we spend too much time in this internal process we become inactive, avoiding the external struggles needed to build resilience. Avoiding struggles ultimately makes us fragile and lethargic.

While both approaches offer great insights and powerful practices, neither offers a sustainable approach to overcoming creative anxiety. Whether its burnout or lethargy, the final destination is debilitating. I couldn’t understand why no one was having this conversation so I dug deeper. The last few years of my research have focused on understanding why certain remedies work in certain situations and not in others, which has revealed that resistance itself can be expressed in a masculine way or a feminine way. 

Masculine resistance is rooted in an inability to trust the self or the internal experience, I refer to this resistance as self-doubt. While feminine resistance on the other hand is rooted in an inability to trust the process or the external experience, an affliction I refer to as self-pity. Internal trust versus external trust, as you can see the polarity continues. 

Masculine resistance or self-doubt seeks to control the external world by either shifting the goal posts of the challenge closer within reach to orchestrate easy wins, or shifting them further away to guarantee success through perfectionism and overachieving. Examples of masculine resistance include playing small, giving up, over-planning, overthinking or overworking - behaviours look like anxiousness. 

Feminine resistance or self-pity seeks to control the internal world by creating a safe distance between the person and the process, this looks like putting up walls of protection or pointing the finger at something external as a way of separating the person from the required activity. Examples of feminine resistance include procrastination, rejection, blame, excuses and martyrdom - behaviours that look similar to depression. 

When self-doubt first strikes it’s a signal from our body to exert energy, a healthier way to do this is with the use of masculine self-belief practices. If the self-doubt continues and becomes chronic, in order to restore balance an opposite exercise from the feminine self-compassion toolkit is needed. 

When self-pity first appears it’s a signal to conserve energy, the healthiest way to do this is with the use of feminine self-compassion practices. If self-pity is not transformed into self-compassion and continues to the point of chronic self-pity, then the opposite is needed and balance can be restored with the use a masculine self-belief exercise.

These insights have allowed me to develop a diagnostic tool called ‘Triage Your Worries’. This tool quickly and precisely identifies the limiting belief driving the problematic behaviour and which category it falls under, masculine self-doubt or feminine self-pity. By identifying which type of behaviour a person is experiencing will also tell them which type of remedies to engage with and which ones to avoid. 

For example, if a student is experiencing chronic procrastination which is classified as self-pity or an excess of feminine reflective energy, then a feminine practice such as stillness has the potential to throw them further off balance. In this case a masculine practice designed to elicit dopamine such as a positive reframing exercise would be more effective for getting them unstuck. 

The same is true for a student with chronic overthinking which is classified as self-doubt or an excess of masculine action taking energy. An action oriented masculine practice, such as a positive reframing exercise, is likely to drive even more anxious activity and take this frantic student into the burnout-zone. In this case a reflective feminine practice designed to produce an oxytocin hit, such as a stillness exercise, will bring them back into balance.

While teaching healthy coping strategies for resistance is a key part of the work I share, it is no longer the end goal. When my research deepened to investigate the relationship between the masculine and feminine facets of our experience, within these polar opposite states lay the clue to the underlying problem. 

Everything in nature is created by and consists of two polar opposite expressions. Meaning all living things gradually shift from one state to the opposite state and it’s this rhythmic cycle from extreme to extreme that keeps all living things healthy. Just as summer must turn to winter, day into night, humans need to experience both ‘action’ and ‘reflection’. It can be labeled ‘give’ and ‘take’, ‘doing’ and ‘being’ or ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’. The label we choose does not matter. All that matters is that IF our systems do not respect this natural cycle of polarity - our health will decline as a result. 

If a habitat is stripped of its natural biodiversity and dominated by one type of plant there are terrible flow-on effects for the entire ecosystem, in the same way, our education systems and work cultures are making us sick due to their lopsided design. Generally speaking, these systems celebrate action while rejecting reflection. Examples of reflection, rest or ‘being’ in schools or workplaces are few and far between. The flow-on effects of a system that only values action, not only creates a panic culture or burnout culture, but a culture that deregulates the health of all humans who spend time in its presence.

It’s unhealthy to prioritise one state over the other because both states are interrelated. Deep reflection is the key to concise action taking, the kind of action that isn’t full of silly mistakes or just keeping us busy with no return on investment for our effort. Similarly, vigorous action is the predecessor for deep rest, true rest, not the fake rest we get scrolling our devices and overloading our brains with blue light and content consumption. Once we exert ourselves it becomes easier to still our minds and soak up the benefits of our restorative practices. We cannot undermine one state without undermining the other, the ‘whole’ inevitably suffers as a result. 

The goal of my work today is not just to guide people on how to restore their balance when the systems they live and breathe deregulates them, my goal is to help people to see that their ‘problematic’ behaviours like procrastination, playing small or overthinking are not ‘the problem’. These behaviours are in fact healthy responses to unhealthy systems. 

Healthy systems produce healthy people and unhealthy systems produce unhealthy people. The reason so many students are exhibiting self sabotaging behaviours such as self-doubt or self-pity is because these systems are sabotaging our students. Not only do the lopsided values of the education system deregulate its students, it disempowers them further by denying any responsibility. Instead of fixing systems, we fix people. The well intentioned mental health movement with its wellness courses and resilience trainings are, in the long run, protecting toxic systems by pointing the finger at the canaries instead of the coal mine. 

I am guilty of staying on the surface and looking for the quick fix, that’s how all of this began, but now I see that seeking short term relief from anxiety is causing more harm than good. I no longer wish to put out work and resources that reinforce the idea that some people are broken and they require an external force to fix them. 

We CAN trust the intelligence of our bodies and the signals it sends to let us know our environment is toxic, signals in the form of procrastination, playing small or overworking. Imagine the progress that could be made if we treated these behaviours like the environmental red flags that they are. Learning to meet these behaviours with reverence is the first step towards healing. 

Boundaries (saying ‘no’ to others) and self care (saying ‘yes’ to yourself). That was what the internet told me to do. I found that attempting to hold boundaries and maintain rigorous self care routines without first dealing with why you’re people pleasing yourself to death - is a recipe for even more burnout! Next.

Inconsistent vs Cyclical, that was my big discovery and the quick fix I wanted. My research led me to what every female used to be taught at the initiated of their first period. This is what I learnt: 

The moon has a 28 day cycle in which it changes from full, to half, into total blackness, and then to half again. Females also have a 28 day cycle. This is not an insignificant coincidence. Men’s hormone levels (where they get their energy) rise high in the morning and fade into the evening - just like the sun. Meaning everyday they have the same amount of energy, they’re designed to smash out workouts or work earlier in the day and switch off into the evening.

Women’s hormone levels are very different, they rise and fall according to where they are in their 28 day cycle. We need different hormones to menstruate and a very different hormone cocktail to ovulate. Like the moon, sometimes we’re full of energy and other times our light fades. We are designed to be reflective and still in the week that we bleed, then a powerhouse of energy the week we ovulate, an abundant nurturer the week after we ovulate and then more reclusive or nurtured in a premenstrual week. 

If you compare a woman's energy to a man’s it seems very inconsistent, changing rapidly from day to day. But if you zoom out you’ll see that we are extremely consistent to a rhythm of our own. When you know what’s coming and what you need in each phase of the cycle, it doesn’t have to be a rollercoaster!

The hero’s journey. This was a very important piece of the puzzle that helped solve my burnout problem. The hero’s journey is a metaphorical story used to teach the universal truth: we need to go through some shit, shitty experience that brings us face to face with our fears, that challenge us, makes us want to quit but force us to reach inside of ourselves and overcome, emerging from the darkness stronger than before, as a hero. (The premise of not only every movie you’ve ever seen but also all ancient mythology and religious teachings). 

Our culture today glorifies the easy and convenient, struggle is something to be avoided at all costs, making us unequipped to deal with difficulty. The hero’s journey normalises hard times and reminds us they are an important part of life, because on the other side of heartache there is wisdom. It’s a lesson. 

It took me a minute to embrace my cycle. I wanted to skip the slow energy side and just ‘man up’, be in that addictive fiery ovulation energy all day everyday. So of course I continued to burnout but each time I would wonder what was the lesson in the burnout. Each time I sat with the discomfort I began to uncover mind blowing, empowering truths. Such as:

Productivity is overrated. 

Without taking the time to get clear, slow down and reflect, ask why we’re doing it, what is working and not working, is there a simpler way, is it making us happy - we just make more and more of the same old boring shit. We end up creating more work for ourselves rather than results, we make silly mistakes that could have been avoided if we just cleared our heads, and we fail to notice great opportunities that are right in front of us. Action without rest is insane, it’s imbalanced, unsustainable and suicidal. Realising this illuminated to me how toxic my work environment (and mind) had become. Everyone jacked up on testosterone, trying to work harder and faster, doing more, more, more. To rest and reflect was considered lazy and not okay. It was killing us all, but especially the women whose health is jeopardized by too much testerone. It was a problem deeper than stress, the toxicity was rooted in misogyny. It’s not just women who have been labeled inferior but feminine traits like sharing emotions, nurturing safe spaces and taking time to reflect. I began to value mental clarity over busyness, I stopped trying to do everything and just excelled at what made sense. I saw and felt it working which gave me the confidence to push back whenever the ‘more, more, more’ voices started nagging. 

Consistency is boring.

When I stopped fighting my cycle and accepted that I wasn’t designed to perform consistently at the same level everyday, I realised how clever the patriarchy was. To my surprise the slow times were not wasted time at all, on the contrary! When you align your energy with what’s happening inside you, you tap into a huge power that I will struggle to put into words. If you’ve ever had a difficult mediation experience where you couldn’t slow your mental chatter, it’s like the opposite of that. It’s easy stillness, wombing, where healing and release can happen, which gives you greater cleaner energy, truths and next steps reveal themselves, and you can feel a magnetic pull from inside you making it easy to manifest what you desire. It’s a dreamy place that I’d choose over hustling and grinding any day! It may not look like much from the outside but it’s powerful, it recharges you in a way that 50 billion coffees never could. Your actions may be slower here but they are magnetised. If you really embrace the slow times you will emerge with what feels like superhuman capabilities in your ovulation week, which will more than make up for the perceived loss of productivity. It does hurt to find out you’ve been fed a lie and taught to devalue the very thing that holds your power, so that you actively disempowered yourself. But like in the hero’s journey, this hurt is the source of much healing, wisdom and empowerment. 

Control is the root of all evil. 

After a few hero’s journeys the answer was staring me in the face, the way to stop burning out and feeling like I wasn’t in control of my energy, was to surrender. It wasn’t necessarily my work, or the fact that I had a cycle that was burning me out, it was the way I kept fighting the current of my own nature, trying to control it. It takes way more energy to suppress nature than it does to go with it. 

Every time my body told me I needed rest and I refused, I was adding fuel to the fire. On top of that I spent precious energy punishing myself for not being able to keep going. Now if I feel really tired I might take a guilt free mental health day and recharge, rather than pushing through for another week making myself sick and needing to take a few days of sick leave. It wasn’t just me that I wanted to control. If things didn’t unfold the way I envisioned I burnt way more energy being frustrated and trying to force things back. When things unfold differently to what  we expect - that’s interesting. Who’s to say it’s worse and not better, who’s to say the lessons learnt through that experience aren’t more valuable than if everything went to plan. Also, that’s life, nothing goes according to plan so lamenting it or forcing it is a waste of your limited energy! It’s asking for burnout. Instead of seeking to control the uncontrollable, it’s healthier to practice belief in yourself, resilience and compassion for when the plot inevitably twits. Surrendering, especially for a recovering control freak, is easier said than done. It’s terrifying. But just as it’s a myth that rest is lazy, it’s a myth that surrender is defiet. Surrender is freedom. As you release the energy spent worrying about everything that could go wrong, you feel that energy returning to you. More focus, more clarity, more you. 

So my quest to conquer burnout didn’t go as I expected. Instead of finding more productivity, consistency and control, I found balance. By matching my very masculine perspective of action taking and goal seeking with a gentler feminine perspective of reflection and surrender I found a powerful balance. A balance that has stopped me from falling into a heap over and over again. 

Now I move like the tides now. I flow freely from high energy to slow energy, trusting my body when it tells me to rest or to run, knowing there is a reason for every season. Hallelujah. 

Practical ways to find your rhythm: 

Download a period tracking ap (Clue is my fave)

Download a full moon ap (especially if you don’t have a period, run on the full moon, rest on the new). 

Listen to the Period Queen Podcast (4 episodes, on for each phase of the cycle)

Read Goddess Wisdom by Taniska

Get less artificial light after dark, do more moon bathing. 

Spend time with mother nature (feminine energy).

There are just three questions we need to ask our worries, in a strict order. But first get clear on what the worry is. You might like to write it down. If there is more than one worry, give them all a ticket and we’ll get to each, one at a time. It’s a quick process so they won’t be waiting long. 

Question 1: Is this worry REAL? This is a trick question, there is only one right answer: YES! If you feel this emotion, than it is real to you. This first step is about validation. By validating how we feel we begin the process of calming our minds. When are minds are calm we are able to be more objective as we move into step two and three. If we try to detangle our minds by dismissing, denying or down-playing how we feel, the emotion will only intensify, creating more chaos in the mind and body. So don’t skip this step, take a moment and a deep breath to validate your worry. It IS real. 

Question 2: Is this worry TRUE? Just because a worry is real, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s true. This is where we begin to be objective and look at the worry as if it belonged to someone else. When you ask the worry if it is true, the aim is not to ‘think’ of the answer. If you find yourself thinking ‘what if it is true’, ‘what if it’s not’, ‘what does it mean it isn’t true?’, justifying or rationalising why you want or need it to be true etc, then you are not calming your mind - you’re creating more thoughts, more stories and more chaos. Instead we must try to ask the question, sit with it, feel into it and wait for the answer to naturally rise to the surface. This is your inner voice, your guidance system or gut feeling. Your inner truth doesn’t spin stories, it will simply and calmly tell you ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Take a deep breath and wait. 

We are not taught to tune in to ourselves, instead we’re conditioned to listen to authority. If this is your first time tuning into your inner voice then it’s completely normal to feel uneasy, you may not know what it sounds like or have the courage to trust it yet. You may need to feel into both ‘yes‘ and ‘no’ to decide which one feels the truest while entertaining some thoughts along the way. That might be your process for now and that’s fine. As you practice Triaging Your Worries, you will get better at tuning in. Eventually you won’t need the thinking (second guessing) to reach your answer. That’s the goal anyway. 

TIP: This second step is about establishing accuracy. If you’re unsure ask yourself what evidence do you have to back up this worry? Is it based on an assumption? If you need more information to be one hundred percent certain - the answer is NO. The clarity you need is waiting for you in the final question. 

If YES - your worry is real and true than you have a Level 1 Worry: ‘Take Action Now’. These worries go to the front of the line. You have established that the threat is real and urgent action must be taken. Only you will know the right action. It may be to remove yourself from the threat by walking away, saying no, or giving yourself and mental health day. The right action may be to ask someone you can trust for help. You do not have to explain or justify yourself here, just honour your need for emotional and physical safety and get away from anyone who tries to gaslight you for doing so. 

If NO - this worry is not true or accurate, then don’t believe everything you think! Follow me to our next step. 

QUESTION 3: Is this worry HELPFUL? Just because a worry isn’t true, doesn’t mean it isn’t helpful. Our worries are often trying to help us by alerting us to action we can take. And sometimes it is just anxiety tormenting us with unrealistic notions that we must control the uncontrollable. Again, take a deep grounding breath and feel into the question, only from a calm quiet place will the honest answer surface. 

TIP: This final step is about establishing clarity, clarifying if this is a healthy worry or an unhealthy belief. If your worry is hinting at or pointing you towards clear action than YES it’s helpful. If it’s keeping you stuck in a loop victim thinking, without any clear solution or action, than NO it’s not your friend. 

If YES - your worry is helpful than you have a LEVEL 2 Worry: ‘Take Action Soon’. You’ve established that the threat is not immediate, so no urgent action needs to be taken. However this worry is alerting you to something that could become a problem in the future. What you need to do now is turn your worry into action by making a plan or creating a strategy to minimise or avoid the problem. This may mean writing a list, making a draft, rehearsing, doing research, setting a reminder and not leaving things to the last minute. Lift the corners of your mouth towards the sky and enjoy this sense of empowerment because this worry works for you - not the other way around. Go make a plan you capable thang! 

If NO - your worry is not helpful than you have a LEVEL 3 Worry: ‘Take No Action’. What we have here is not really a worry at all, you have uncovered an unhealthy belief you hold about our internal or external reality. Acting on or believing in a Level 3 Worry will only lead to further suffering. This instead is an invitation for growth. By facing this wounded part of yourself you can reprogram your limiting belief. If you’re up for it read on. 

After six years of researching the fear of failure, I’ve discovered two main ways to end vicious thinking cycles: 

1. If your worry is trying to tell you there is something helplessly wrong with you, this is an experience of Self Doubt. Self Doubt is an immature masculine trait that can be matured into strong self belief. We can remember how to trust ourselves and release self doubt by reframing the worry with a Growth Mindset exercises. Eg. Instead of telling yourself ‘I don’t know how’, try reframing the fear to something more accurate and helpful like: ‘I don’t know how yet’. See how the word ‘YET’ opens up a door of possibility?

2. If your worry is trying to tell you there is something helplessly wrong with your external reality, a situation or another person, this is an experience of Self Pity. Self Pity is an immature feminine trait that can be matured into unconditional self compassion. We can remember how to trust the process and relieve self pity by embracing a Self Compassion Exercise. Eg. Hold space for yourself to grieve your expectations. With a hand on your heart affirm that ‘Of course I feel this way. It’s okay to feel this way, this is a part of the human experience, we all feel this way from time to time. It’s okay.’

I recommend trying both exercises and judging for yourself which one was more powerful for you. 

For more exercises to release and relieve limiting beliefs you can get yourself a deck of Failure Friendly Action Cards, there are 7 activities for Self Belief, 7 for Self Compassion and 7 for Self Awareness. The Failure Friendly Mindset aims to balance both masculine and feminine aspects of ourselves, Self Belief and Self Compassion, action and rest, to ensure our creative practice is a sustainable one. Self Awareness check-ins (like this exercise for Triaging Your Worries) are vital for knowing when we are off balance and when to sway the other way - like how I’ve just strayed from the point of this post.  

Back to Triaging Your Worries. Create order in a chaotic mind by asking your worries if they are: Real? True? Helpful? 

Voilà! 

May this practice bring you deep calm, clarity and confidence. 

All the best,

I’m not talking about our conscious selves, we would never knowingly hold ourselves back. I’m talking about something deeper.

Scientists call it ‘conditioning’, psychologists say ‘maladaptive beliefs’, new age folk prefer ‘self-limiting beliefs’, I’ve heard motivational gurus use ‘subconscious programming’, while the mystics say ‘the shadow self’, you’ve probably also heard it referred to as ‘your demons’. 

Call it what you will. 

The point is, we live most of our lives mindlessly, on autopilot, saving energy for when we do need to make decisions, problem solve or run from wildebeests. And that’s a smart way to save energy. The downside is that if the program our autopilot is set to has a glitch in it, a mistake of some sort, a conditioned-maladaptive-limiting-subconscious-shadow-demon-thought lurking deep below our awareness, we’re going to repeat that mistake around 90% of the time.

Change. You can want it so bad, SO bad, you can have a rad plan, and try real hard, but it won’t stick if you don’t deal with whatever your subconscious mind is tripping on. 

It’s futile. 

YOU, however, are lucky enough to be, right now, in the process of deep change, real, lasting change. You have 2020 to thank. 2020 has forced us all into some deep dark reflection.

Please. Don’t. Stop. 

Don’t stop now if things are ‘going back to normal’. Instead of going backwards, go deeper.

Before we get to my theory of how change starts in the mind but is set to fruition deeper within the body, and my tips on how to support yourself in this process, let’s first get real about what you’re signing up for.

The process looks like this:

In the process of change, the process of making something new that didn’t exist before, also known as the creative process - things get worse before they get better. 

It seems cruel but it’s actually genius. 

The high emotions we experience at the start of the process suck us in, but as we get into it, they quickly fade.

Hiding in your rock-bottom-despair at the center of the process triggers the exact emotional wound or ‘subconscious-shadow-demon’ that would continue to trip you up if you didn’t deal with it. It’s exactly what you need to deal with to change the programming that’s stopping the change from sticking. 

These deep wounds or misconceptions were ingrained before you had rational thoughts, so no amount of thinking can transcend them. Only when we feel the pain can we heal the pain. Corny but true.

After the low point in the middle where we are forced to deal with our baggage, is when things start to get better. We still make mistakes and missteps that teach us more valuable lessons that are needed in order to achieve what we set out to do. The closer we get to achievement, the higher our spirits soar.  

Many people, I’m raising my hand, hit this point of discomfort in the middle of the process and see it as an inconvenient obstacle rather than the gift it is. Opening ourselves up to feel is the invitation into the backend of our autopilot programming, where we can make edits and change our programming, swapping unhealthy patterns for empowering ones. 

Instead of leaning into this awesome opportunity, many of us get frustrated with the perceived obstacle and give up on the process and ourselves, ultimately, allowing our minds to rationalise and justify our exit plan. Letting our unhealthy patterns live to ruin another day.   

Not today, today we’re going deeper into the fire of transformation. 

I’m nearly up to the 5 sassy tips because everyone loves a listicle, but first I want to quickly back up my claim that the true processing power lies in le body. 

You’ve heard about the benefits of gratitude, right? How it’s proven to boost mental health and resilience? I’ve found that listing our blessings is just the vehicle that gets us out of our minds, into our bodies, where we physically feel gratitude. Thinking about things we’re grateful for, can alter our mindset to be more positive ONLY when we allow ourselves to FEEL it. You can fake a gratitude practice the same way you can fake an orgasm. Hopefully your grateful façade will trick yourself into feeling it below the surface, but if you’re as stubborn and headstrong as me, you’ll walk away with the disappointment you brought with you plus some more.

I suggest that it’s not the thinking, it’s the oozey warm feeling you get in your chest, the moment of being in your body and leaning into the joy, that is where the real benefits of gratitude come from. Brene Brown discovered that even though it might seem responsible to prepare for life’s potential hardships, in reality, the people who MENTALLY rehearse disaster, are statistically less resilient. She found that the people with the greatest resilience were the ones that leaned deeply into their FEELINGS of joy. 

Are you sold yet, the body trumps the mind? Feelings over thoughts? I know it’s hard to swallow when we’ve been taught to believe emotions are less reliable than logic. Try to stay open to it if you’re not there yet. 

Here it is, what you’ve been scrolling for, 5 Failure Friendly tips for transformation that sticks:

1. No blame games

When self reflecting there will come a moment when we become aware of an aspect of ourselves, that until now has gone unnoticed, this is when we experience mindfulness. Mindfulness is the opposite of mindlessness. Meaning the behavior we uncover was participated in it mindlessly, it was subconscious behaviour. 

We have no control over subconscious behaviour until the ‘aha moment’ when we wake up to ourselves and become conscious to it. Whatever you’ve done or not done, it really wasn’t up to you, so it’s a waste of time to punish yourself with thoughts like ‘I should have known better!’ There is no shoulda, coulda or woulda  when it comes to subconscious thoughts and behaviours. So don’t waste energy judging yourself for your mindless choices. 

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take responsibility for your actions. The moment we become conscious is simultaneously the moment we become response-able. Finally seeing the full picture gives us the ability to discern and respond. Before I unpack how to respond consciously, you need to understand that mindfulness is a thought or knowing that happens in the mind. The next step is to move this insight away from the mind and into the body where the transformation begins.

2. Out of our minds and into our bodies

One of the hurdles of transformation is processing this new information. Instead of getting stuck in our head by falling into vicious cycles of over-thinking, we can take the idea from the mind and transform it into a feeling, for our bodies to process. As I said earlier, the power of gratitude practices are well documented, but it’s not the gratitude lists that boosts our mental health. Counting our blessings is just the vehicle that brings us into our bodies where we physically feel gratitude. You know that oozey warm heart-full feeling? That’s where, I argue, the real restorative benefits come from.

Gratitude is to joy what forgiveness is to pain, both are experiences that happen in the body, not the mind. If 2020 forced you to reflect and uncover some painful truths, this is a call for forgiveness. Again, emotions need to be felt and transformed in the body. Joy needs to be felt and transformed into an experience of physical gratitude, while pain needs to be felt and transformed into an experience of physical forgiveness. The cool side-effect is that both of these transformative experiences boost our resilience and make us stronger (which we will need as we step further into the process of change). As compared to dwelling and obsessing about pain or joy in the mind, that will only shrink or swell our egos. Having an inferior or superior ego makes us more fragile to life’s bumps in the road. 

Start by thinking about the pain that’s attached to your mindless behaviour, how it’s negatively affected you and those around you. Now consciously invite that discomfort into your body to feel the sensation of that pain. Scan your body, where do you feel it and what does it feel like? Lean into the discomfort, you were designed for this. Name it, aloud if you can, even better face yourself in the mirror as you do it. Feeling leads to healing, another corny truth, healing is when we can forgive or release the pain so that it stops interfering in our autopilot program. 

The only person you have to forgive in this moment is yourself. If someone else wounded you, don’t feel pressured to forgive them. You can forgive them if it feels good, when and if you’re ready. Or you can visualise handing them back the baggage along with the responsibility for them to forgive themselves. If self-forgiveness doesn’t feel attainable right now, just being willing to forgive is enough.  

Rather than telling your hurt self to cheer up, instead give yourself space to feel all of your feelings without judgement. If you notice yourself holding a grudge on your past self, or panicking about falling apart, breathe into that feeling and invite forgiveness to soften its edges. You can journal or affirm something loving like ‘it’s okay, let it out, I am willing to witness this.’

3. Understand what you’re up against

Imagine a path in the Aussie bush. Surrounded by trees and thick shrubs, the narrow clearing has been worn away by constant foot traffic. Your mindless thoughts and behaviour have a neural pathway just like this well-worn path. You’ve unknowingly practiced the response so many times that it has become a habit, requiring zero effort for your brain to perform. Changing your thoughts and behaviours is like walking off the well-worn path and bush bashing your way to a new reality. Urgh. As I looked down the barrel of change recently, it was not the uncertainty that scared me most, but the high likelihood of failure. The mindfulness I had mustered felt like a drop of water, while the ingrained pattern of unhealthy behaviour was the ocean. It feels impossible not to slip right back into the old comfy pattern. What was the point, right?

Wrong. If you have the same fear of failure, acknowledge how difficult this feels, then listen up. Even a monk cannot maintain mindfulness 24/7 so we are going to find ourselves back in the mindless pattern sooner or later. Slipping back into subconscious programming is subconscious a.k.a. no self judgement or blame games allowed (refer back to point 1). Instead of giving up before you begin, prepare for the inevitable relapse and visualise now, what will you do to course-correct when you slip back into mindlessness?

4. Breaking the habit, one relapse at a time

Welcome the relapses, they are an important part of the process and yes, there will be many. Relapsing into old patterns is not failure, it’s not even a setback. Embrace each slip with open arms because relapsing is our opportunity to bounce back, and bouncing back is how we break down old patterns. It’s in the bouncing back that we work our resilience muscles and cement the desired transformation. 

‘Bouncing back’ sounds fun and easy. It's not. As you test out your new mindful behaviour, you’re going to feel the pull of the old habit. It will to try and lure you back to the well worn path with it’s comfy promise. You’ve practice the mindless behaviour so many times it’s become comfortable, in comparison this new behaviour feels very uncomfortable. Resisting this pull feels wrong. Even though it feels wrong, this discomfort is a sign that you’re on the right path and in the process of change. So remember, if it feels wrong - you’re doing it right!

Soon you will have broken away from this mindless habit so many times that when you do relapse, your mind will be flooded with memories of how you’ve bounced back. Knowing you’ve bounced back before makes it easier for you to slide into those conscious choices. This not only strengthens the new habit and your transformation, but it weakens the old patterns. Remember this as you’re choosing to act differently and wading through the discomfort after those early relapses. Every time it will get a little easier. 

Establishing a habit isn’t immediate, the fastest proven way to forge a new habit is to add the desired behaviour to an existing habit. For example, we habitually brush our teeth at the same time every day, so our existing morning or nighttime routine is the perfect time to practice the new thought or behaviour. (This is why I write affirmations in lipstick on my bathroom mirror).

5. Celebrate your relapse with a shot of dopamine 

There is a secret weapon you can use to supercharge your transformation: dopamine. Dopamine is the feel good hormone that is released whenever we tick something off our to-do list or achieve a goal. Our brains are addicted to dopamine. It’s been proven that when you give yourself a dopamine hit after completing a task you are more likely to succeed at the next task. So count your effort - don’t discount it! 

Every time you relapse and then bounce back, really acknowledge yourself and celebrate your effort. You can keep a tally, give yourself a gold star or a physical pat on the back, whatever you need to mark the occasion and cue the dopamine. Your brain will crave the reward and subconsciously begin to look for more opportunities to bounce back. Suddenly the subconscious mind that was working against you, is on team transformation. 

Just like eating well or staying fit, it’s a practice not a quick fix or one size fits all approach. With no end in sight, we practice change and mindfulness daily. Your practice will evolve and it will see seasons of strong dedication and low motivation. Along the way, remember to think back to your early ‘aha’ moments and celebrate how far you’ve come, which will provide an encouraging hit of dopamine to accelerate your momentum. 

Set regular reminders for reflection, like a ‘Mindset Monday’. Checking in on your thoughts allows you to catch mindless patterns early. Finish sentences like ‘I feel’ to uncover things you’re avoiding. Remember to ask yourself why, why and why again to get the root of your mindless chatter. And don’t forget to schedule regular ‘Progress Parties’ to take stock of your achievements, no matter how big or small. 

The fear of failure is the number one thing that stops us from engaging in the process of change. When we understand that failure isn’t fatal, just an important part of the process, theoretically we are free to pursue our dreams. But in a culture that idolises effortless perfection, becoming a friend to failure is easier said than done. 

This’s why ‘Failure Friendly’ exists. My obsession with finding creative freedom and confidence has led me to create free evidence based Toolkit and Action Cards that guide you with practical actions through the process of changing your mindset. The toolkit is full of rules and guidelines for establishing a safe space for change and creativity, while the Action Cards give you opportunities to practice the skills of self-awareness, self-belief and self-compassion for a balanced and sustainable approach to change and creativity. 

They’ve changed my life and I can’t wait to share them with you!

- Buzzy

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Listen to this article via the NEW Failure Friendly Podcast on Apple Podcast or Soundcloud. 

1. The Difference Between Innovation and Creativity 

Before I tell you my secret to innovation, I need you to understand the difference between creativity and innovation. Creativity is coming up with brand new original ideas. Creativity is looking at problems in brand new original ways. Creativity is taking existing ideas that don’t normally belong together and pairing them in brand new original ways.

Innovation on the other hand uses creativity, but the thing that takes it from being creative to be innovative, is that it has to meet this one extra criteria. And that is, it needs to create VALUE. Real, big, impactful value to the end user. So if you're a business, to your customer. It has to be a solution that they value, that they want to pay money for, that they want to invest their time and energy into, that they want to use. If it’s not used, it doesn’t innovate. 

People have been really creative, they’ve seen the problem of wearing glasses in the rain, not being able to see because of the fog and droplets of water on the glass. So they’ve come up with this creative solution where they’ve taken the existing idea of windscreen wipers and paired it with reading glasses. But you don’t see people walking around with this creative solution because people don’t value that solution. People don’t want windscreen wipers going off in their eyes, making their glasses heavy, noisy and weird looking.

People have been really creative and they’ve put little umbrellas on expensive designer shoes to protect them from the rain. But you don’t see people walking around with little umbrellas on their shoes because the end user, the person who buys expensive designer shoes, buys them because they want to show them off and appreciate the design, they don’t want to cover them or interfere with the design by adding ugly little umbrellas. And really, the bigger problem when walking in the rain is the puddles, not the actual raindrops that fall from the sky.

So here are two really fun creative solutions that completely lost sight of the end user and what the end user values - so they didn’t innovate.

2. The Greatest Stumbling Block to Innovation

One of the traps or stumbling blocks to innovation is that we can get obsessed with and fall in love with the first idea, or the solution we personally want. Our idea baby. Because we’re focused on making OUR idea, we lose sight of the problem we’re trying to solve and the person we’re trying to solve the problem for. We miss the better solution because we’re stuck on our solution. We can get caught up in the excitement of using a brand new technology like augmented reality because it’s new and fun. Just because it’s new and fun doesn’t mean it’s going to be an innovative solution, it doesn’t mean the end user is going to want to use it, it doesn't mean they are going to pay for it, or that it will be successful.

3. How ‘User Centred Design’ Methodology Works and Why it’s Important

In innovation theory there’s a system called ‘User Centred Design’ that keeps us on track so we don’t get too taken by our first shiny idea and forget about why we’re really doing it. Here’s a quick overview of User Centred Design:

Before we get stuck on our favourite solution or even the problem we’re trying to solve, the first step is Empathy. Gaining empathy with the end user, learning everything we can about them. Not just the problem we think they have but the core root of the problem, their lifestyle, the things they love and hate, the things they already have at their disposal. This helps us move into the second step to Define the problem. We can think we know the problem and have the solution figured out but without doing that deep empathy work we can’t be sure.

Once we have defined the problem using that empathy data, the next step is Ideate, by coming up with as many ideas as possible. Some great solutions are just stepping stones to better ideas. The more ideas and bits of information we have, the more possibility we have to let ideas come together and create super ideas. Ideate is about not judging your ideas too early because even though something doesn’t seem possible it can be the seed that makes us think of a new way of doing things.

The next two steps are the most important, Prototyping and Testing. Once we find a strong solution we quickly and rapidly come up with cheap prototypes that we can test. In the prototyping step we create a minimum viable product, that’s not supposed to be perfect, it’s purely used to Test the idea. Testing is not about checking it looks nice, or even testing the functionality, testing is done by putting the prototype in the hands of the end user and seeing what happens when they use it. It’s about getting their feedback early on!

We preface the test by explaining it is not the finished product, it’s just a prototype for them to trial and let us know if we’re on the right track. From there we may need to go back to define the problem because we realise we had it wrong, we may need to go back to some of our other ideas or come up with new ideas based on their feedback. Then again, Prototype and Test over and over until we get the feedback from the consumer ‘I need this in my life, when and where can I get this!’ Only then do we start investing heavily and perfecting the solution. One of the rules for innovation is to always ‘test before you invest’.

4. How Short Term Memory Affects Your Ability to Innovate

I’m not telling you about the rules of User Centred Design to freak you out or let you think there is a right way and a wrong way to do innovation. I don’t want you to put it in the too hard basket and leave it up to the experts. I’m telling you this because I need you to understand how to use your brain most efficiently.

Our brains are great places to have ideas but they are not great places to keep ideas.

The magic of our our brains is that they can zoom out and see multiple ideas and insights, they can make connections between ideas and do that creative work. The brain can take a memory and a new piece of information that has just been learnt and join them together to create a new idea.

That’s what we need our brains to do when we are innovating, when we’re Ideating and coming up with as many ideas as possible. But our brains can’t do that if they’re trying to sit still and remember all the ideas we’ve just come up with.

The first idea is always the worst, it’s always the most obvious and the least creative. It takes at least 10 bad ideas to come up with one good idea, this is called the ‘ideas funnel’. But the short term memory of our brains can only remember around 3-5 things at any one time. After that our brains struggle and strain to hold on to more ideas, we begin to feel foggy, overwhelmed and we begin to forget things.

If all your brain muscles are used to juggle and hold ideas together at once it’s unable to do its zooming out, connective and creative work. It’s unable to keep focus on the end user, providing value for them, and the problem you’re trying to solve - because once it’s got your top 3 solutions in focus, there is no more space or brain power to focus on anything else.

5. The Secret Weapon to Free Up your Brain Muscles and be More Innovative

Allow me to introduce you to my secret weapon, the Failure Friendly Innovation Starter Kit. I’ve made a few kits that you can buy, but I encourage you to use this idea and create your own. Every kit is full of colourful playful tools to use your brain the way it was intended. Tools that will free up your brain so it doesn’t have to remember every idea, tools that will give it room to move and zoom out to see creative connections. Every starter kit will be different, but every kit will have these three things:

Post-it-notes

White board markers

Crayons

There will be heaps of other fun stuff in there as well but these three things are the most powerful for freeing your mind. At every step, whether you're coming up with everything you know about the end user, everything you know about the potential problem, or every potential solution - use a post-it-note to title every idea individually. 

Once you’ve done your brain dump onto individual post-it-notes, place them out on a table or ideally on a blank wall. The starter kits will include multiple coloured post-its so you can colour code your ideas, which will help your brain see categories. 

Now that you can see all of those thoughts that your poor brain would have tried to hold space for, you can zoom out and start organising your ideas. You will start to see idea gaps, ideas that are similar, that go together, ideas that could become super ideas.

The process of creating themes and categories is intuitive, follow your gut. The great thing about post-it-notes is that you can move them around as many times as you want until you’re happy.

The next valuable tool in the innovation starter kit is a whiteboard maker. I don’t expect everyone to have a whiteboard, but everyone has a window or a mirror. (I love to use red lipstick on a mirror). Creative and innovative work needs space, more space then you’re going to get on a word document or blank page. You can take your post-it-notes to the mirror or window or take the themes that have emerged from your post-it-notes to the new space of your makeshift white board. Here using the maker, you can create flow charts of how the ideas fit together, user journey maps, diagrams or drawings. Just give your ideas room to play and see what happens. There is no right or wrong way to do this.

The last tool is a crayon or kids pencil or marker. This is because perfectionism is the enemy of creativity. Crayons force us to be messy and make mistakes, and mistakes (or ‘discoveries’ as we call them at Failure Friendly) are a crucial part of creativity.

I could talk about the science of innovation and creativity and why anxiety is an important part of the process but all I want you to understand is that:

For our brain to do it’s most creative work we need to free it up. We need to get ideas out of our heads in a visual and messy way, that can be moved around, so we don’t have to hold onto those ideas and how they fit together. By having it in front of us visually, gives us the freedom to see new connections. It’s the freedom to move, to play, to be colourful and childlike - that is the secret key to innovation.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Buzzy x

To order your own Failure Friendly Innovation Starter Kit email [email protected]

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You see I’ve been burnt, in business and life. I went into it knowing it could go pear shaped, I vowed that it was better to try and fail then it was to never try and never know. #noregrets. 

And I find myself now in a better place for taking those risks and hard knocks. I’m wiser, stronger, smarter. 

So in theory I am pro-risk and pro-mistakes. Pro-learning. And I am oh so pro-backing-yourself-by-rising-to-impossible-challenges. That’s living. 

In reality however, I’m dangerously safe. 

The gap between my lottery dream life and reality reveals that my wiser, stronger, smarter self has minimised risk down to zero. 

This is what happens. When we’re busy being busy our subconscious autopilot calls the shots, opting for safety over adventure, everytime. 

If I won the $3mil, the autopilot wouldn’t suddenly relax. More money in the bank is more money to fiercely protect. I can hear it now begging my rich arse to put it away for a rainy day, not to risk it for the biscuit! 

To minimise risk completely is to feed steroids to your self doubt. It’s betraying yourself by volunteering to do fear’s dirty work for it, for free. 

Refusing risk is refusing to believe in your potential, your resilience, your right to an exciting existence. It’s rude. 

I’m not telling you to invest your life savings, I’m not telling you to jump out of a plane. I’m telling you to identify the risk that feels too risky, and edge towards it. 

Take a baby step in the direction of your dangerous dreams and see what happens. 

The risk IS the reward. 

Buzzy

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Ps. I didn’t win the $$$ but I did awaken my inner risk taker which was a win.

I’ll leave you with some lines form the Colin Hay song Waiting for My Real Life to Begin:

For some of us it has been ingrained racism, for others it’s the desperate need to control. Whatever is coming up for you, let it. Let it kick and scream. Let it be ugly. Sit back and observe.

Don’t panic. Don’t make meaning. Don’t be conditional with yourself. Don’t be transactional with your pain. Don’t come to your defense or force the silver lining. All will be revealed and all will be healed. 

I used to think there were only two ways to face the roller coaster of life. The strong way or the weak way. The strong way meant charging towards discomfort, full steam ahead, positivity all the way, in control and unemotional. The weak way was to fall in a depressed anxious heap and admit defeat. 

Now I know there is a middle ground option and it’s called self compassion. Self compassion is admitting it hurts while still moving forward, gently, and resting when you need to. 

With self compassion there’s no forced positivity. There’s no self pity either. It’s an honest place where pain isn’t weakness and aggression isn’t strength. No matter how low you feel or how slow you move, that’s okay, that’s not defeat.

You can crawl, you can saunter, you can fumble or you can flow your way towards the discomfort. You don’t have to fight it. It’s as simple as standing still in the uncomfortable truth when you’d rather retreat. 

It’s saying to yourself “I will never leave you. I will stay in this dark place and do the hard work because I believe I can. Because this crap that’s coming up, it’s become a part of me that’s not the real me”.

The first time I felt really seen by my boyfriend was ironically the moment I felt him see through me, through my bullshit. He saw the games my fear was playing and rolled his eyes. He didn’t engage, he let it dissipate. 

I felt naked in the moment because underneath the ego BS, was the real me. Underneath the stories I’d spun about wrong doings, about my deficiencies and the need to overcompensate, underneath those illusions, everything was surprisingly perfect. 

Peak behind the veil. 

- Buzzy 

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Thank goodness the idea nagged at me and I had to ask myself “Why do I need a guide? Why is the thought of trial and error so exhausting?”

My inner critic promptly replied, “Well, being a clumsy student isn’t a cute look on a thirty year old. You should have taken an interest in gardening as a child. It’s too late for you now. Move on.”

“Hang on a second” I thought, “You’re telling me I can self-help my way to overcoming creative anxiety but I can’t DIY learning to garden? Have you forgotten how fun learning a new skill is? You know what a hobby is yes?”

In that moment of self awareness I caught fear behind the wheel. And just like that I had a choice. I decided to take back the driver’s seat and write myself a mental permission slip. 

With the freedom of self permission I left perfectionism at the door and followed fun instead. If the gardening tools looked fun I bought them, if the gardening podcast sounded fun I listened, if the book jumped out I read it. In the garden with zero expectation I grabbed the shears and started chopping. “I’ll probably go too far” I said without consequence or worry. I didn’t care if I pruned too much or too little. It was just fun and behind the scenes I was learning.

There’s a place for discipline and stretching towards excellence - but that place is not at the beginning. My favourite things to say in my creative work are “This may be a silly question but..” or “I’ll lean on your expertise on this, would you suggest...?” or the ultimate invitation “let’s have a crack!” Owning your clumsiness gives you the freedom to play. And play unlocks the door confidence and creativity.

To read more about the power of play check out previous posts ‘you gotta play your way’ and ‘why so serious?”

Print your own damn permission slip here. 

During disasters 1 to 10 I was ‘in control’. Doing the mindfulness practices, the positive affirmations, intention setting and holding space for the ickiness. Smiling through clenched teeth. 

From disaster 11 to 179 however, there was no pretending. I was so obviously not in control, nor was I ever. The Failure Friendly practices seemed to be doing jack. 

But even in this disbelief and loss of faith I kept at it. 

I continued to invite my anxieties and rage to speak up in the pages of my journal. I punched a pillow. I plastered lipstick intentions on my bathroom mirror and held my heart in the shower as I coaxed the discomfort into compassion and forgiveness. 

I celebrated my humanness with colourful food, lemon water and a sweaty spin class. I borrowed the energy of podcasters whose voices felt more empowered than my own. And I literally found a shoulder to cry on. 

Despite my efforts I continued making expensive mistakes. I kept falling on my face and being a Karen to the people around me.

I didn’t feel like playing anymore. But even in the disbelief that it would make a difference, I kept showing up to the Failure Friendly practice. Every day Waking up, Shaking up, Making up. 

I wasn’t doing it to control the discomfort anymore, I was just doing it. When everything was spinning out of control it’s what I held onto. 

No matter how many times my car broke down or the COVID restrictions changed, I kept coming back to this line of lipstick letters on my bathroom mirror:

 ‘It’s a blip baby girl, failure isn’t fatal’. 

On a long walk (thanks to my car failing, again) questions started popping into my head. They came from a quiet voice that I hadn’t heard from in a while. 

Questions like:

‘What if instead of seeing it as being knocked down, you see it as proof that you rose up, spoke up, questioned the status quo? What if you're the one breaking the system, one head butt at a time, rather than the system breaking you? What if this isn’t another thing gone wrong, but another opportunity to exercise the mindset you want to strengthen? Practice makes perfect eh?

There it was. A mindset shift that gave me freedom from fear. The payoff for consistently showing up for myself in the face of uncertainty. Yay! 

The true gift though was the showing up, again and again. Refusing to give up on myself no matter how hopeless it seemed. That’s self love resistance training. 

The word resilience comes from the latin 'resilire’ meaning to spring back. The point of this practice is not to be a perfect friend to failure. Losing faith along the way is part of the process, it’s the springing back that matters most. 

It’s the springing back that strengthens your resilience muscles, and builds your creative confidence. The more you do it, the easier it will become and the gaps between falling and springing will become shorter too. To the point were it may almost looks graceful!  

But you can’t practice springing back if you don’t fall down. Falling down is normal, inevitable and crucial. We will always fall from grace, the aim is to know you can show up for yourself even when you’re down. 

If you’re feeling down and out, let it be temporary.

Springtime is coming. .

Buzzy.

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Two memoirs made their way into my life recently to stir up this old wound. The first was ‘Untamed’ by Glennon Doyle, and the second ‘More Myself’ by Alicia Keys. Two phenomenal women spreading the same message in their unique voices. Their poetry slices through the noise to reveal the truth medicine. Here’s a passage from Key’s book, a conversation she had with Oprah when Alicia was unsure who to hire as her manager:

“With all the transition you’ve had,” I said to Oprah, “how have you found people who truly represent you and understand your vision?” Oprah sat there quietly for a moment before answering. “For many years,” she said, “I looked to someone outside of myself to dream up and create what only I could. I eventually realized that no one else can see your big picture. Only you know the journey you're on… But the truth is even with wise counsel, only you know what your next step should be. All my best decisions in life have come when I’ve tuned into what felt like the best move for me.”  Oprah refers to this knowing as the ‘resounding yes’ feeling. 

I can understand a concept like ‘follow your bliss’ or ‘trust your gut’ on a theoretical level, but it’s not until I can see tangible examples of what the opposite looks like, that it usually clicks. As soon as I read this passage I realised that when I scroll  Pintrest looking to see what other people are doing or thinking, the way I gather opinions, survey the crowd, research, research, research, and interrogate the options from every angle before I make a move - that is me looking outside myself for something that only I can know. That’s me being in my head instead of my heart. That’s me turning my back on the ‘resounding yes’ sensation that’s felt in my body. That’s me dulling my instincts. Trusting everyone else but me. 

What if the universe (or whatever you call it) is twiddling it’s thumbs right now?

What if the universe holds its breath every time it hears you mutter ‘I wish…’?

Hoping to itself ‘This is my chance, I’m going big!’ 

Only to sigh ‘False alarm. It’s the dream car again’. 

What if going big isn’t greedy?

What if the universe wants to show off what if can do because anything less is a waste of its existence?

I’m pretty sure the universe doesn’t live within our human constraints and conditioning, why should it follow our rules instead of its own?

Maybe the universe or your muse or angels, your higher self, infinite potential, the Divine or whatever you call it, is feeling cramped there in the back seat? 

Maybe it’s time to give it some leg room?

Why not rest while it takes the wheel?

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The only thing I was helping was my own discomfort. It's not easy to witness someone close to you in the thick of their own struggle. Rather than trusting that the struggle was normal or that they had what it took to fall down and get back up, instead I panicked. I wanted to end the discomfort for them and therefore me. On both occasions, in lieu of the feel good act-of-kindness sensation, I realised I had done the wrong thing. I immediately vowed not to interfere again and let them be big boys. Not only did I dislike myself for being such a meddler, I respected them less for stepping backwards in their maturity. It was an all-round yucky experience, that I only did once, on two occasions.

We all know that you have to crawl before you can walk. It's in the crawling that we strengthen our muscles, by making mistakes we learn about movement and gravity, testing the ideas needed in order to walk. Discomfort is not something that happens to the unlucky few, it's an essential part of everyone's life. It's part of our personal evolution. But we don't recongise the struggle for what it is. It's like we're looking for the path thinking 'this isn't right look at all the discomfort blocking the way'. But the discomfort is the way, the blessing not the curse. The problem is that our lives are so easy they've it made us fucking fragile. We have no tolerance for discomfort because we've never tasted it.

In our face-tuned, temperature controlled lives, with everything is just a click away - discomfort feels wrong. It's the blemish we want to smooth out, the channel we want to change, the person we want to un-follow. But the more we avoid and the longer we procrastinate the struggle, the more fragile we become. The more fragile we become the more horrific the struggle feels. This is why the most gnarly productive people in the world walk on coals, plunge in freezing water, get up 5am, workout like lunatics, force gratitude practices when they feel like shit and other self-imposed discomfort practices. They get it. If you want to be strong, you have to invite struggle into your life. Invite struggle into your life in small ways to desensatise yourself and grow your tolerance, and in big ways to become your most bad-ass self.

Trust the struggle, trust yourself.

- Buzzzzy x 

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Then there's the human you, on the ground, weighed down by your flesh suit and material things. She lives in a tornado of your worries, finances and ego. She's tangled in the network of your relationships. Even though she has to deal with the negative trappings of being human, she also gets to run and jump and sing. She gets hug people, have orgasms, taste delicious food, say the words 'I love you' and 'nice to meet you' or 'I forgive you'. She can swim in the oceans and drink the beauty of nature with her human eyeballs. She get's to create, actually make the ideas in her head and bring them to life.

When faced with a problem, human-you cannot see the whole picture through her limitation coloured glasses. Luckily, she can tap into the wisdom of higher-you and enjoy an expansive a-ha moment, when worries release and solutions appear. You see human-you and higher-you are connected by a series of pathways, a metro-overground if you will, made up of tubes that reach up into the heavens of the higher plains.  

Riding the tube to higher consciousness if just as confusing as riding the London Tube for the first time. Imagine a sea of tubes, not unlike the one that Augustas Gloop get's stuck inside at Charlie's Chocolate Factory. There are some that go straight to the heavens and others that twist and bend and loop around like a vomit machine roller coaster.

Not all tubes in the metro-overground are created equal. The ones on the gentle side of town labeled 'self awareness', 'self compassion', and 'self belief' are a little harder to find but offer a much safer and direct journey to the fluffy white clouds. While the easy to find, well worn tubes labeled 'self doubt' and 'self loathing' actually detour the higher plains, leading to another hidden loop. The name of this loop have been scratched out on the map, but if you look closely you will find the remains of two words: 'self pity'.  

The Pity Line doesn't have any stops, or go anywhere, it is what you call a vicious cycle. A never ending loop of grey clouds and ‘why me’ thoughts. Even if you're seeking wisdom, right action or peace of mind - the Pity Line won't take you there. It's a trap we fall into, hoping that if we focus on what we don't want we'll somehow find what we do. But the mind doesn’t work like that. What we focus on our mind will find more of, so self pity is really just another word for self sabotage. 

The Higher Self wants to help us out of the muck, but it can't reach us on the Pity Line. Higher-you will wait patiently until you realise that your journey to nowhere is taking an awfully long time. It will wait as you start to decipher your location, waiting still as you realise you are in the self pity loop. In that moment of realisation you have broken the loop, finding yourself now on a new platform. In front of you the Self Awareness Express is about to board, behind you the Pity Line is still taking passengers. 

The next move is yours. 

- Buzzy x 

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When you're on the verge of an anxiety attack thinking about an important project with a looming deadline, advice like 'just relax into it' is pretty futile. Not very practical. How does one relax as if everything is sweet when it ain't? When you're triggered and heightened? Don't say 'focus on breathing'. Conscious breath is a great start but it's not a reality altering cure.

If you're trying to tackle too many things at once and getting overwhelmed in the process, it's been said to do one thing at a time, small steps, laser focus. Monotasking sounds very logical but I find that when I'm truly off balance I need to do two things at a time. I need to work and listen to music. I need to work and dance.  I need to work and eat. I need to work and talk on the phone. I need to work with Married at First Sight on in the background. 

I need a distraction, something that feels low presh, to trick me into approaching the work with the same relaxed energy. Then the thing happens that always happens, I'll accidentally get immersed in the work and without thinking I'll turn down the music, I'll put down the snacks, so I can give the work my full attention. Flow state baby.

Even while I'm writing this I'm doing something else, I'm flicking through some film photos I've recently had developed. At first I was disappointed by how blurry they seemed. Then I realised I was expecting the same crisp focus of the HD camera phone. The grainy 'film look' is the whole reason I used film in the first place - duh! I'm quickly falling in love with the nostalgic look of the photos, and wondered why on earth we need such perfection  in our digital photos anyway? 

Soft focus is magical, whimsical, it lets our brain imagine the details which is fun. It's the same with getting stuff done. Laser focus on one task sounds great but it uses more energy and creates more pressure than a soft focus approach. With soft focus we don't ignore the task at hand, and we don't obsess about it either, we just start from a safe distance, easing in slowly.

It's flirting with the work if you will. Rather than making a b-line for the project, coming immediately into it's personal space with intense unblinking eye contact - be coi, be playful, give it some attention and make it want more. This sounds ridiculous but our brains are weird dopamine craving, challenge loving machines. Play it's game and it will play back. It's a fun one.

Hang loose.

Buzzy 

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Above is an old sticky-note-to-self I just found which I thought was worth sharing. How sweet I was to write this to myself. This kind of self kindness and support is what I owe all of my success to. 

Every perfectionism relapse, every dance with anxiety, every ride on the downward spiral has brought me closer to me. Who knew that what I needed to become stronger, was to soften. 

I’m in awe of how the Failure Friendly practice keeps evolving. It began as a way of turning self doubt into self belief and then self sabotage into self compassion but now I’m experiencing something deeper. I'm learning the art of self honouring. 

Self honouring is the practice of offering the same openness and space to the alarm bell worry thoughts, the ‘crazy thoughts’ as I used to think of them, and treating them the way we treat the quiet voice of wisdom that points us in the right direction. 

I used to think that one was good and one bad, one should be amplified and the other silenced but now I know they are the same thing. One is more urgent and in need of immediate attention, the other can wait. (Polarity is our nature, it’s what makes us whole).

In the same way we sometimes need a friend to just listen without offering advice, we also need to give ourselves the same kindness. To listen. To witness. Without judgement. Without agenda. 

When the fear appears, don’t react. Just listen, smile and nod. It will show you something or it will transform itself into something lighter and float away. The stumbling block is when we fear the fear, we panic and try so suppress or ignore it.

Unacknowledged fear will not be quiet, it will scream louder and louder until it’s heard. It will hit the red button in our brain to flood our veins with cortisol. That’s its job. When the tension still doesn’t make us listen, it will knock violently, causing headaches, stress rashes or panic attacks. 

What was once a passing thought takes on a life of it’s own. You’ve created a monster. What could have been transformed with a smile and nod now needs a stage and hours of comforting, maybe a panadol. 

Honour yourself, all of you.

Buzzy :)

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Ready to break the cycle of crazy thoughts I dared myself to run into the freezing ocean, as a gesture to the universe that I was ready for whatever it had in store. The moment I thought it I regretted it, we’re in the depths of winter - the ocean is the last place I wanted to be. It was too late, what would the universe think If I backed out now. 

‘I’m strong and brave’ I screamed as I ran into the surf. Immediately I was filled with a childlike joy as I shrieked in the freezing water. I didn’t expect it to be fun but it was. It was a refreshing and quick swim. And as I stepped out of the ocean I grasped the lesson I had been searching for on the sand. 

The irony is that the next chapter of my story, the more mature, the wiser, higher version of myself was not calling for seriousness and maturity - it called for play and joy. It wasn’t what I had to do, but how, that was important. 

Playfulness gives us the freedom to make mistakes, learn and stay resilient as we move though the messy process of change. It keeps us agile, curious and awake.  Seriousness on the other hand keeps us rigid and the stakes so high that any misstep can feel fatal. 

Trying to figure out exactly where you’re going and every measured step to take along the way may seem like a grown up thing to do. But it’s a recipe for disaster. Play is the stuff of romance, of creativity, of learning. Don’t take life so seriously, don’t take yourself so seriously - that was the lesson, the gift from the sea. 

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Everything in nature, including us, is a paradox. Where there is light there is also darkness. Where we have divine strengths, we also have deep shadow sides. Have you ever been spooked by a moving shadow only to realise it was your own? Your metaphysical shadow is much like your physical one - scary until you realise what it is.

So what is it?

While the bright or divine side of masculinity is unshakable self belief, a knowing that you are worthy of success, and a clear vision of that future success. The shadow side of masculinity is spending too much time visualising the future in an attempt to predict and control all aspects of the uncertainty. This looks like worrying or even anxiety. 

The bright and divine side of femininity is the safe spaciousness that allows for healing, with a knowing that emotions will not break you forever but foster growth instead. The shadow side of femininity is becoming overprotective, retreating or putting your walls up like a true ice queen. By eliminating all risk, you also eliminate the possibility for growth. This looks like hiding or possibly depression. 

Can you pick what these shadow sides have in common? What drives this shadow behaviour? Underneath these controlling behaviours is a belief that we are inherently unsafe and under threat. When we are living under this presumption we are always armoured up and fighting our way through life. A draining game to play, but we do play because it feels good to be prepared for the worst case scenario. 

I've realised lately that while it’s great to feel prepared for potential threats, when we are fighting against a future that hasn’t happened or locking ourselves away in bunkers that don't exist, we are missing out on the moment. Robbing ourselves of the joy that is all around us right now. And that brings me back to ‘Wake Up’.

Present moment awareness is not only the reason to step out of your shadow side but the path itself. It’s the aha moment that might come from a partners comment, the look on a friend's face, a question or a deep breath. Practicing the Failure Friendly Mindset strengthens this consciousness muscle that transports us from dark to light. 

So let’s dance in our divinity.

Your Friend,

Buzzy

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