bless your heart

i cant leave america because what if i get a beverage and it’s not huge

When men say "ummm actually the age of consent is 16 in some places" they should get shot immediately

CHRIST

No, Christ was yesterday.

This is why I always recommend having an emergency cheese. Mine is parmesan.

wonder woman out here still saving lives

OOHHHHH sopranos like the singers

this website is a goddamn national treasure

hey um i’ve got some bad news. we mulled your boyfriend. he fell in the wine and we mulled him. yeah with the cinnamon sticks.

one time I was lucid dreaming and I asked the Jennifer Coolidge figure in my dream how do i tell if something in a dream is real or not and she said. It’s only real if they charge your card. best answer ever

I went to see my doctor today and the first thing she said to me was “you know you have a mullet, right?”... I do but thank you for the swift diagnosis