ravenandrose13

Over 500 years spent trying to cut down a whole trunk of human culture.

thanksgiving

christmas

not pictured: when I came back from the holidays and there’d been a huge storm while I was gone, so all that was left was a pelvis

but we persist. valentines

st patricks day

Janeway: Captains log, still looking for gas and shit.

Torres: Well, it took some time, but we have gas! Janeway: Excellent. Wake Harry up and make him shove his face in it. Torres: I think he’s sleeping Janeway: I don’t care. Janeway to Kim - rise and sniff. Computer: Ensign who?

Tuvok: Sensor logs says Mr Kim simply vanished Chakotay: He went to the holodeck. Maybe he’s pretending to be a ninja again. Janeway: No one is that good at ninja. Not on my ship. Go find out what weird crap he loaded this time.

Chakotay: Computer, this doesn't look like Naruto. What is it? Computer: Beowulf. Tuvok: Beowulf? Chakotay: Denmark, but with monsters and really bad lighting.

Freya: Tell me who you are or I’ll cut your head off! Tuvok: Computer, delete this woman Freya: I am Freya, shield maiden, daughter of King Hrothgar, potential love interest of Beowulf. Tuvok: Could you just… move? Freya: YOU SHALL NOT PASS Chakotay: We know Beowulf Freya: Yes. He was as brave as he was sexy, a true feast for the eyes! Tuvok: Commander, are you sure we know Beowulf? Chakotay: Well he’s hardly going to cast himself as the monster now is he? Tuvok: A reasonable assumption. Freya: He died horribly. Come with me!

Freya: Hail, Lord Hrothgar! I bring Beowulf’s besties: Chakotay: Claus. Tuvok: …Thor. Hrothgar: Welcome to my miserable kingdom. Chakotay: How did Beowulf die? Tuvok: Please include gore. Hrothgar: Grendel got him. Chakotay: Did anyone actually see him die? Freya: No. Beowulf chose to face Grendel alone. Chakotay: Classic Harry Kim behaviour. Tuvok: Clearly, he was trying to impress Freya. Freya: He was so noble…

Unferth: Here, have some swords Hrothgar: You can guard us tonight. And die. Chakotay: Sure, why not.

Chakotay: Captain, I think Harry got himself killed trying to get laid. Janeway: He can’t do anything normally. Tuvok: He attempted to woo a tall blonde Danish woman by fighting a monster. Janeway: Scan the holodeck. Find his dumb ass. Paris, crying: If only Jenny Delaney hadn’t made him jump out of that Gondola

Tuvok: Why do humans love monsters? They’re stupid Chakotay: Every culture has demons. Tuvok: Vulcan doesn’t Chakotay: Because Vulcan is boring as hell.

Janeway: Chakotay, some of that funky gas is in the holodeck. Torres: That might be my fault Janeway: There’s also some in the replicators. We’re eating Neelix’s cooking for a week. Tuvok: I hate to say this, but there’s a possibility Mr Kim may have become a ball of gas Janeway: Just another day in the Delta Quadrant Chakotay: A monster is approaching us Tuvok: It looks glowy and gassy. Permission to sniff it Janeway: Granted Torres: I can’t read them anymore. They might have turned into gas? Janeway: …Oops? Paris: I always said Chakotay was just a bag of hot air, but I didn’t expect him to prove. How are we rescuing them?

EMH: Me? Paris: Now, you really are a bag of gas. You can go there Janeway: Congrats on your first away mission doctor EMH: I don’t like this Kes: You're nervous about this mission, aren't you? EMH: Nervous? Do I look nervous? Whatever gave you that impression?!?!

Freya: Tell me who you are or I’ll cut your head off! EMH: Ah, Freya, the kingdom’s nepo baby. Freya: Sorcery! EMH: No, I’m just a fanboy Freya: Flatter me. EMH: Gladly Freya: Thank you… Mr? EMH: The name’s… Schweitzer. Doctor Schweitzer. Freya: Schweitzer. A hero's name.

Freya: Look! I found mushrooms EMH: That might entice our missing mushroom addict. What will you do with them? Freya: Boil them, drink them, get high, fight stuff. EMH: That’ll probably kill you Freya: You are very smart!

Hrothgar: Eat.. EMH: What is it? Hrothgar: Elk. We’ve nearly eaten them all! Unferth: Tell us how amazing you are EMH: Finally, an appreciative audience EMH: I once saved my ship from measles.

Freya, dropping her armour: The nights here are cold. EMH: Same, but emotionally Freya: Sometimes I see my own death. EMH: Sometimes I see my battery percentage drop and feel the same thing. Freya: *kisses the doctor* Freya: You know where my room is, make sure you have enough battery left.

EMH: Holodeck to Bridge. Janeway: How are you doing? EMH: I may have just been sexually harassed but enjoyed it. Janeway: Fucking hell Doctor, focus! EMH: Captain, something wibbly-wobbly is coming right for me!

Janeway: Sickbay, did you get him? Paris: Well, it turns out our knight in shining armour is mostly ‘armless EMH: I’ll remember this next time I do your physical…

Torres: I think the gas is sentient Janeway: Of course it is. I fucking hate this quadrant

Paris: Okay, I’ve initiated a polarisation field. Torres: Translation: you pressed a button and prayed. Paris: We’re getting a reaction. Torres: Great. Your science experiment is trying to escape. Paris: Those synaptic patterns could be a neural net. Torres: Fantastic. We kidnapped a brain.

Torres: We’ve sprung a gas leak! Torres: It’s trying to escape Janeway: Let it go

Janeway: We’ve found a glowing Airbnb in space, with three bio-electrical patterns inside it. EMH: Bio-electrical? Janeway: Yes, Doctor. After all Harry, Tuvok and Chakotay did turn into glowsticks. Torres: How did they get there? Janeway: Because we kidnapped their hosts. We’re the bad guys. Again. EMH: So they retaliated? Janeway: Yes. Turns out kidnapping is frowned upon universally.

Freya: Lord Schweitzer! We thought Grendel took you. EMH: He took my arm. Minor inconvenience. EMH: This is a talisman to destroy Grendel. Unferth: Prepare to die, demon! EMH: Please stop trying to kill me. I’m expensive. Unferth: *tries to stab the Doctor* Freya: *tries to stab Unferth* Unferth: *stabs Freya* Freya: My time has come. EMH: Can't relate - turning me off and back on again usually does the trick. Freya: Take my sword. EMH: Ooh...office décor!

Unferth: He killed Freya! EMH: Oh, please, I can barely harm myself! EMH: Grendel, Come out and say hi.

Doors explode open

EMH: Okay, big guy, watch this. Here’s your glowing cousin or whatever. Please don’t eat anyone.

Little light zooms to big light

EMH: Please return our crew. Grendel:Okay

Harry, Tuvok and Chakotay appear

EMH: We have them back, Captain. All three. Kim: What happened? Can I go back to my holoprogram? EMH: No. Your girlfriend is dead.

Janeway: it’s not crunch time yet. I’ll let you know when.

Torres, eyeing Murphy like he’s a snack: Damn Seska: Murphy better run. Torres: He’s dating a Delaney sister. Seska: Not anymore. Dumb and Dumber called dibs. Torres: Harry, is it true you about you two and the Delaney sisters- Kim: Tom, what the fuck did you tell people? Paris: You and Jenny disappeared on a gondola in Venice. Kim: And nothing happened! Torres: Spill Kim: …I fell out of the gondola. Kim: I was betrayed by gravity. Paris: Dude was worried Jenny was gonna eat him alive.

Janeway: Aw, look, Tuvok, the kids are bonding. Tuvok: Statistically, gossip increases efficiency. Janeway: I love science.

Chakotay: Captain, distress call incoming. Janeway: Great. Who’s dying now?

Gath: Hello, strangers. You are in distress. Janeway: …We’re not. Gath: But we sent a distress call. Janeway: Why? Gath: Because you are distressed. Janeway: I mean, emotionally, very, yes, but— Gath: Let me aboard. I have gifts! Janeway: …Tell me more?

Janeway: You didn’t need to cook for us. Gath: I insist. I love feeding strangers. Neelix: But Captain, I’m serving lunch soon. Janeway: Neelix, hush. Let the man cook.

Gath: We heard stories about you. Lost, lonely, traumatised. Janeway: Accurate. Janeway: Tuvok, shore leave improves efficiency, right? Tuvok: Indeed. Janeway: We’re going.

Gath: Pick anything you like. Janeway: This fabric is delicate. Gath: It’s made from moonlight flowers. Want a dress? Janeway: No. Gath: A negligee? Janeway: A scarf. Gath: You are astonishingly difficult to seduce.

Kim: That’s beautiful. Eudana: It’s a weather sensor. Kim: Non-linear resonance? Eudana: Are you a scientist? Kim: Worse - I’m a nerd. Eudana: Show me your stories. Kim: … My what? Eudana: Come with me. To a private place. Kim: Did I just get lucky?

Kim: Where are we? Eudana: Alastria. Kim: Where is that? Eudana: Half a galaxy, far, far away... Eudana: Feel the breeze. Kim: I’m calling my boss.

Janeway: I lost track of time. Gath: Because you’re enjoying yourself. Janeway: I am. Gath: *leans in for a kiss* Kim: CAPTAIN. Janeway: I WASN'T CHEATING ON MARK! Kim: …What? Janeway: What?

Kim: They have a space-folding platform. Janeway: What? Kim: It does the wibbly wobbly, without the timey wimey. Gath: We just call it a spatial trajector. Janeway: Can we use it? Gath: No. Kim: But— Gath: Still No. Janeway: Why? Gath: Laws. Kim: Your laws suck. Gath: Our laws don't care.

Janeway: This is what aliens feel like when we say no. Paris: Even we think the Prime Directive is dumb sometimes. Tuvok: Maybe “no” means “negotiate.” Torres: Maybe they want something. Kim: They consume stories like they're crack. Janeway: Perfect. We’ll offer then our fanfiction archive.

Gath: This pie is exquisite. Janeway: Pecan. Gath: I want the recipe. Janeway: If you want my pie, you'll have to give me the trajector. Gath: No. Janeway: What if you send us? Gath: Maybe. I’ll ask the Magistrates. Janeway: Good. Eat your pie.

Torres: Carey. Carey: Yeah? Torres: Want to illegally reverse-engineer alien technology? Carey: I’m thought you'd never ask. Seska: Count me in. Let’s do crime.

Jaret: I’ll give you the trajector matrix. Kim: Let me talk to my boss. Jaret: Please just take the damn thing. Stories are narcotics to us. Kim: … Jaret: I want to be a drug dealer.

Kim: I don’t know what to do. Seska: Take it. Torres: Without permission? Seska: Permission is for losers.

Janeway: Tuvok, what do I do? Tuvok: Two choices: shady man or other shady man. Janeway: I hate this fucking quadrant. Tuvok: Determine if Gath will help. Janeway: He won’t. Tuvok: Then you know your answer. Janeway: I hate logic.

Janeway: Did you ask the Magistrates? Gath: No. Janeway: Gath: I was distracted. Janeway: By? Gath: You. Janeway: That's not flattering. Gath: Stay forever. Janeway: You'll get bored of me in a week. Gath: But I intend to seduce you. Janeway: Congratulations. Janeway: You've achieved the opposite.

Seska: We downloaded the fanfic. Ayala's written some spicy stuff. Torres: We’re under orders. Seska: Orders are optional. Torres: Fine. Let’s do it. Tuvok: Halt. I shall commit the crime personally. Torres: You were going to download the fanfic? Tuvok: Yes. Torres: Hypocrite. Tuvok: Correct.

Tuvok: Don’t activate it until I speak to the captain. Seska: Eat shit and die, Tuvok. I know what I'm doing. Seska: Actually… I may not know what I'm doing. Janeway: B'Elanna, what the fuck are you doing down there in Engineering? B'Elanna: Panicking… why? Seska: I can fix it

BOOM!

Seska: Actually, no I can't Seska: Where's the recycle bin on this computer? B'Elanna: Seska, bestie… B'Elanna: I'm replacing you with Carey. Seska: I have never been so insulted.

Torres: This one's on me, Captain. Tuvok: Incorrect. It is on me. Janeway: YOU? Tuvok: I conducted the illegal exchange. They are most intrigued by the Omegaverse Janeway: …I'll get back to you in a minute, Tuvok. Janeway: B'Elanna. Torres: Yes, Captain? Janeway: You're on spectacularly thin ice.