Consumed By The Fog

notice how everyone is horny today

i think the internet should transition from being so usa-centric to being brazil-centric. not cos i have any personal connection or bias towards brazil, i just think if anyone could possibly usurp america’s cultural dominance online it’d be them

funniest thing to ever happen was when my boyfriend put on the first episode of columbo (which i'd never seen) but he wouldn't tell me what show it was he would only say "you'll get it when he shows up." but a fun fact about the first episode of columbo is that he doesn't show up for 32 minutes and when he does, he silently walks into the room with a cigar and does a little pose and goes "hi i'm columbo."

at least it didn't involve classified documents this time?

no but I think finding one in a war zone and measuring it out of spite is at least on the same level

this gag NEVER fails to make me laugh. watching them all file in one by one and collectively laugh harder every time the next guy walks in...i could watch videos of this practical joke all day

Their faces as they collectively realize they're married to the funniest women on the planet

adhd is like I think it’s gonna take me fifteen minutes to fill up my water bottle

i feel like we can’t really talk any shit about birds who get tagged by scientists becoming extra desirable to other birds bc like imagine if someone was abducted by aliens and given a mysterious unbreakable bracelet. and then when you ask them about it they get this complicated and distant look in their eyes and admit they don’t know what it is but the aliens put it on them and they can’t take it off no matter how hard they try. and you go oh that must have been terrifying and their expression softens a bit and they say it was, but it made them realize just how precious our brief time on earth really is, and they don’t know when they’ll be taken again but it’ll probably be for good this time so until that day they want to live every moment to the fullest, watch every sunrise, cherish every beautiful thing. then they reach over and gently pluck a fallen leaf out of your hair, and for a second you’re distracted by the dazzling shimmer of the cuff around their arm but then you realize they’ve been looking at you with this soft sort of smile on their face so you lean closer and idk the point is i think it would work on us too probably

im dodging tornado attacks like its nothing

Have you tried going to a tornado shelter?

the tornadoes should be taking shelter from me

Fuuuuck dude I got drunk last night and tried to take down the villain on my own and now he’s texting me some ‘I’m the only one allowed to defeat you’ shit bro what do I do

Man he just yelled ‘I want him alive’ to his goons, it’s so over.

Decided to finally visit my school's mental health clinic about my depression and they prescribed me a cathartic sword duel against this girl with pink hair. I asked if I'd need insurance to help pay for the sword and they said not to worry about it.

I'm in a little local cafe and the women behind the counter started griping to each other, "Oh Christ, Stephen's back again," "It's him, is it? I thought he'd stopped coming," "It's definitely him, look, it's bloody Stephen on a Thursday morning," "Do you want me to get rid of him or are you going to do it?" and so I was peering outside, trying to spot this nightmare customer, this pestilence of a person, this pox upon the cafe trade, and then one of the women from behind the counter ran outside, clapping two trays together loudly and yelling "GET OUT OF IT, STEPHEN!" and it turns out that Stephen is an absolutely gigantic fuck-off seagull who hangs around outside, menacing people for crumbs

the way this is like baaaaarely parody

bringing in a second actor towards the end of the video to deliver a single devastating punchline is brilliant writing