It’s a real nice night for an evening

must feel good as fuck to curse a prince for being rude to you while you were larping as an old woman for no reason

jacob is sitting in front of a huge canvas right now with a charcoal pencil in his fist trying to figure out how to make the ottawa centaurs logo look like it's performing autofellatio

a customer returned a drink because a fly flew into it and said: “one of your flies flew into my drink” and my coworker was so confused that they just said: “…my fly?”

#MyFly

I’m soooooo embarrassed. My lord told me “good night,” but I thought he was calling me a good knight, and, well, you could hear it clink against my codpiece.

the miserable bitch industry would crumble without me

it’s so hard for me to listen to heartbroken/angry breakup songs by straight men bc no matter how good the song is i’ll be like i’m not sure if i fully believe you. let’s hear her side of the story.

Moose at the next table: No they don't. I've been waiting here for an hour.

Hello bisexual community

Begin killing

last night i dreamed acclaimed actor and director kenneth branagh died in a recreation of the battle of agincourt and i happened to be there at the time, so afterwards the investigator for the death (who was an off brand hercule poirot situation) asked me about it and i said “ken was always drawn to spectacle. he loved that feeling of awe” and i remember thinking, in the dream, what the hell am i doing? since when am i on ken terms with real life oscar winner sir kenneth branagh?? being a heartrendingly present bystander at the moment of his bizarre death doesn’t give me the right to ken him