I'M COMING TO THE COTTAGE

Sometimes your bad coworker will be like "I can't do anything right & I ruin everything I touch :(" and you can't even comfort them because like damn. Yeah. You really can't do anything right and you do ruin everything you touch☝️

HE'S GETTING FIRED. NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS!!!!!!!!!!

on my supine, straight up jorkin it, and by it let's just say haha my pronis

Shane getting criticized for not using pride tape and he’s caught on a mic later that week saying I didn’t realize it wasn’t the sucking dick that made me gay but the rainbow . Which is how he comes out.

The woman being able to do all that in the heels feels more impressive, honestly.

I love that running up the stairs on all fours is a universal experience

attention acolytes! in order to maximize shareholder value, i will be turning all of you into gold statues, frozen in twisted spasms of pain for all eternity, in a great and lifeless mausoleum. we expect to eke out a marginal gain in Q3

And how does this increase shareholder value O Great and Powerful Dark One?

Obviously we can add the statues to our assets while also cutting down on employee expenses.

I see! This sounds like a sustainable business practice and I have no further questions.

yes! im so good at Company

These things happen in my dreams constantly

I wish people were as scared of getting into a car accident as they are of being true crime'd. Maybe then they wouldn't be on their phones while driving.

True crime girlies will be like "wtf I would never go for a walk at night, what if the hash slinging slasher gets me" and then use their knees to merge with no turn signal in front of a semi while applying makeup with both hands

the worst part of "you'll understand when you're older" is that you really do understand when you're older

The second worst part is, once you get older, you find yourself saying "you'll understand when you're older" with Full Comprehension of how fucking annoying you're being right now, but also knowing that it's all you can say.

“you haven’t gotten to this chapter of the book yet”

"we detected a mature post" yeah I'm in my 30s

If you don’t let go of your prejudices and past grudges, your heart won’t blossom. 2013 is coming, let’s make a change. We only have one planet so let’s show each other some kindness.

when i was a kid rummaging thru my mums cd collection to steal Good Stuff i accidentally stumbled across one called ‘songs for bonking’ which was coloured awful negative neon picture of ppls feet on top of each other in a bed and ALL the songs were like fucking ska punk 

Green heron (Butorides virescens)