Endangered Integrity

Northern Cardinal, 4/10

I'm sometimes worried the male is sexually harassing the female but I'm pretty sure they're just doing some elaborate public pickup roleplay. The rest of us didn't agree to participate in your kink, guys.

American Robin, 1/10

Literally just some dude hanging out. Never bothered anyone but worms. Big fan of the way you just stand there in the middle of the grass like you forgot what you were supposed to be doing.

House Sparrow, 10/10

You're a gang. You're participating in gang violence. There's ten billion of you living in a single wood pile and it's been civil war for three years now. When will the bloodshed end?

Tufted Titmouse, 1/10

A shy baby. A pretty little guy. I saw you on the neighbor's garage roof and time stopped. There were anime sparkles around you. Come back.

European Starling, 9/10

Why is it always you? Listen, I know, I KNOW the sparrows are the problem, and YET. When the fighting starts, it's always you in the middle of it, provoking them and then screaming like you're an innocent bystander defending yourself. I'm onto you.

Carolina Wren, 3/10

This rating is not for physical violence, which you don't engage in, but for your role as an incurable narc. A tattle tale. I know they're fighting again, okay? I see it. Our yard has been a warzone for years, you don't have to make a big announcement every time someone misbehaves.

Eastern Wood-Peewee, 0/10

If this were "birds who think they're better than everyone else," you'd get 10/10.

Red-bellied Woodpecker, 6/10

It's a utility pole. It's not a tree. You're surrounded by trees that are full of bugs. But there you are, on the utility pole. Committing vandalism.

American Crow, unrated

For who am I to cast judgment on the actions of La Famiglia? I assume you are doing what is best for the neighborhood. If I could, though, without criticism, make a single observation. That when large numbers of you gather in the ominous dead cottonwood - no? No, you're right. None of my business.

Great Crested Flycatcher, 5/10

Frankly, I think you could be doing more. I think your name implies a great potential. I think you should massacre the insects. I think your beak should drip with viscera.

Common Grackle, 7/10

La Famiglia does not suffer you to stop in our neighborhood long, and I trust their judgement in this manner. You have the look of a guilty bird.

Tennessee Warbler, 2/10

You keep to yourselves, and I respect that. I get the sense that you could defend yourselves if it came to it, though.

Brown-Headed Cowbird, 3/10

You're not a crow, and eventually they ARE going to figure it out, kiddo.

Gray Catbird, 5/10

Would you. Respectfully. Would you shut the FUCK UP.

Eurasian Collared-Dove, 0/10

You're doing great, sweetie, everyone loves you.

Red-Breasted Nuthatch, 4/10

A comedian. A little jester of a bird. You're so silly. Sure sometimes you incite violence in others but, really, is that your fault? If it is, we forgive you.

Blue Jay, 12/10

If you could learn any human behavior you wanted, it would be how to build a bomb.

Honorable mention:

Turkey Vulture, 5/10

today's gregor samsa is: at the baltimore state hospital for the criminally insane

Settle in, this one has a long explanation.

Peggy was a chimp actor who starred in the 1953 film Bedtime for Bonzo. I happened upon it by chance on Turner Classic Movies one night a few years ago and was shocked to discover that Bedtime for Bonzo was not just a weird thing my dad said when I was a kid and starred none other than not-yet-president Ronald Reagan.

The movie is just as ridiculous and unethical as you are probably imagining. Something that I didn’t learn until much later, though, is that Peggy tried to kill Ronald Reagan by strangling him with his own tie. No one could get her to let go, so they were forced to cut the tie. Now, of course, it is pretty well known that chimps can be very dangerous, but I have never found reports of Peggy attacking anyone else on the set of the film, and I like to think that she recognized that Reagan was a Bad Man and that she did not like him. She could not foresee the horrors of his presidency, but I appreciate her attempt to save us all from his future political career.

Peggy now lives in my office to remind me to trust my gut and possibly strangle Bad Men with their ties if I get the chance. (I realize In Bonzo We Trust is objectively funnier, but I feel that Peggy should be honoured for her efforts.)

For the record, I am Canadian and too young to remember Reagan being president, but the more I learn about the guy, the more I hate him. Letting AIDS run rampant is definitely the worst thing he did, but there are a lot of other terrible decisions that I keep learning about.