Slowly ship of theseus'ing my identity

I'm an agoraphobic Kanienʼkehá:ka (Mohawk) mixed lesbian who has fought for several years a worsening health condition that is currently killing me. I've spent years exhausting any means to get help, enduring extreme pain. I share as much as I can without undermining my privacy and safety (due to stalking by my abusive family.) More in the link below ❤

If you have been following me for a while, you are familiar with my struggle and saw me talking about it throughout the years. A warm thank you to @transmechanicus & @mightyjoke , the kind souls who made this possible. I would be lost without you.

(Updated fundraiser for currency and geographical reasons as of April 2025. Original was paused at 20.8k & kept up for transparency. New goal takes it into account.)

Whether you donate or not, know that you are loved.

There has been 4 donation this month so far.

hey y'all, going in today to address some chronic dental pain. if there is anyway for assistance to help ease the cost of this please consider spreading this post or donating. i have been in chronic pain with issues for little over a month and i can no longer manage the amount of pain I'm in.

if you would like to put some money towards it for me, i would greatly appreciate any help!

venmo - @love_and_death

cashapp - $yevaeleanor

(please note ko-fi takes a cut, venmo or cashapp is more direct)

I felt awful, but I thought the problem must be with me, that I didn't pass well enough, that my voice was too masculine, that my makeup was bad, etc etc. Then, at the end of the event, the sapphic group organiser made an announcement, saying, "there's a whole group of women out there who I know are nervous about coming to our group, who are afraid we won't accept them, who are worried we'll exclude them, who have had bad experiences with sapphic groups in the past," I felt my spirits lift, I guessed the whole thing had been a mistake, I had misjudged her.

As a white person raised in a white supremacist society, you’re gonna fuck up sometimes. That’s just a fact. But racialized people often aren’t able/comfortable speaking up when y’all do some shit because of the power imbalance/not feeling up to educating when you may be resistant/don’t think the “fight” will be Worth It.

Show initiative without making it A Struggle or playing the white guilt card. Show you actually care about them, their struggles, and the way you interact with them BEFORE they have to have a bigger Conversation with you, beyond when they need to yell about someone else being racist.

Even close friends or partners are not necessarily safe. I have had partners dismiss accusations of racism just off hand, I have had partners treat me like a repository for knowledge on Muslim cultural practices despite the fact that *my family has been Christian since Jesus,* hell I have had a partner say I was overplaying my pain at the genocide to get sympathy.

IF YOU ARE WHITE YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE FIRST STEP OR YOU ARE JUST PUTTING MORE LABOR AND DANGER ON YOUR RACIALIZED FRIENDS FOR YOUR FUCKING COMFORT

Some things I wanna make clear because I’m seeing some said repeatedly in the reblogs:

- I’m no longer friends with Friend 2 and I haven’t been for a while, at least couple months. Most of my friend group cut off contact with him too (including Friend 1) after many situations that just made him look creepy, including not being able to set any boundaries (most tries ended up with him throwing a tantrum)

- a big chunk of people is suggesting polyamory in the reblogs, but I wouldn’t expect him to get even one gf, let alone two, given how he finds scared women hot and his favorite trope is “reversed mommy” situation (punishing the woman for dominating you)

- lots of people are also suggesting it’s an egg kinda situation, and I obviously can’t say yes or no to that, but I wanna mention how he once said he wouldn’t mind bottoming for a trans girl and how it’s one of the reasons he considers himself bi. Do with that info what you want

- Friend 1 is trans. Also we’re friends to this day and I love hanging out with her, she’s a diva

It's a lot, for books aimed at eleven year olds who want to read about kids turning into fun animals.

On the podcast, the two (American) hosts happened to get onto the topic of the post-9/11 Iraq War and their reactions to it. They were both children at the time and as such could not be expected to have particularly nuanced views of US military policy. The person who hadn't read Animorphs was unsurprised by the declaration of war; that's what you did. Someone attacks America, America goes to war. That's how a country protects itself, through military revenge. The Animorphs fan, about the same age, had been devastated and against the war from the start. War was a Big Deal and, while sometimes unavoidable, should be a last resort; a lot of people were going to die, and a lot more were going to get hurt, and no matter how the war shook out it was still going to be horrible. They attributed this perspective, of course, to the series that had taught them about the horrors endemic to war in an engaging way at such a young age -- to Animorphs.

there was no "in a shitty basement chained to a radiator". instead, you woke up in a really soft bed groggy as hell, with a stuffed shark in your arms. your kidnapper is standing over you, watching you anxiously as you realize you don't know where you are but you aren't really lucid enough to actually panic over it. she asks what you like on your pizza

while the pizza's being made and delivered, she helps you get up and leads you to the bathroom. you try to fight back when she takes your clothes off, but you're still barely awake and she reassures you she won't do anything, you just need a shower. she sits you in the shower chair and lovingly washes off your body and shampoos and conditions your hair with something scented in a way you like, then helps you dry off and gets you in a soft t-shirt and a pair of lounge pants

while you eat the pizza, she makes her pitch. she likes you a lot, but is super anxious and didn't know how to approach you, and it feels kind of insane that she's doing this but she hopes you aren't mad about it. all the doors in the house are on NFC locks, and the chip she put in your hand while you were asleep (there's a sparkly pink bandage on your hand between your thumb and index finger) can open everything but the exterior doors. you can't go outside, obviously, but she has a very nice sunroom and indoor pool, and you also can't use the internet. basically anything else is totally fair game, though

she doesn't really have a way to control you. she could have put a shock collar on you or something but she figured that if she had to hurt you to control you then she wasn't very good at making you like her anyway. she has a lot of comfy clothes, she's pretty good at cooking, and she has a fair amount of money saved up so she can get you mostly anything you want

don't worry about your job. you don't even like your job. she's seen your social media. besides, she's already called them pretending to be your partner and told them she's surprising you with a cruise for the next couple weeks

just stay with her for a month. in 31 days, if you're not happy, she'll be happy to knock you out again, pop the chip out of your hand, and take you to a hotel for you to wake up at. she doesn't want to be controlling. your happiness matters most, and she would certainly like you to be happiest with her but if you aren't that's okay too!