Elizabeth Plaid

I woke from a nap to a call from my dad. He confirmed some of the dentists' plans, which was more cautious than I expected. Not sure of the exact details, but the important part is that I'm not in pain.

Bonus is that dad is taking over the appointments I no longer need. And we're ahead of things, because we pre-paid for the crown. I guess the universe thinks 3 crowns is enough for me. 😅

==== I haven't entirely processed what all this means, but I cried in relief. Knowing I won't have to skip friend-aversary plans with Jay felt unreal. I've been mourning canceled plans for the past week, just really defeated.

Jay and I have been supporting each other with counseling etc, so this get-together is meaningful. It's also to celebrate her finishing her first year of grad school, along with my dental triumphs. (She goes back to grad school sometime in/after August.)

We're definitely painting our nails together. I don't have everything from the big box on swatch sticks yet. So I hope we can pick a color scheme ahead of time. That way I don't have to haul both that box and the rest of my polish collection to our hotel room.

I don't think I've had a girly slumber party since high school, honestly. Really looking forward to playing with tarot cards together, too. ====

I've had such a heavy feeling in my chest this past week, as I've mentioned before. I'm still cautious about getting too excited, since I don't know the exact dental plans. I just really want to be happy with simple accomplishments. It's still tough to let myself feel like I've achieved goals. Especially when there is a perpetual list of other tasks lurking around.

(Today's tiny accomplishment was bringing down 8 empty soda bottles from my room.)

Even though it's been a few months now, I'm still listening to tarot reading videos. I'm shifting my attention to imagined futures, rather than current situations. More often, the impact feels softer, even if it does resonate. I kept watching to remind myself that my choices and actions are for my own well-being. And they currently remind me that my inaction now (toward my ex) is what keeps me in peace.

If you know your empathy can be exploited, sometimes without you realizing, then you learn to not put yourself at risk. I'm not steady enough yet to talk again. We couldn't talk through conflicts in a productive way. I don't think we could say anything without tension between us.

But I still wish him well. I hope he finds peace with himself, maybe going to counseling. I walked away with hope for my future and the affirmation that I deserve someone more compatible. If he gravitates away from me, then it also means that I'm not the best match for him either.

I no longer wonder "what if?", because I know I did what I could. He's no longer "the one that got away". And I understand that closure is a vague concept for me. There isn't anything that could be said to fix or explain things. Nothing that would convince me to willingly fall back into my mom's patterns.

Time and distance -especially the space to get back to myself- are what I need to move forward with my life. Maybe also the reminder to not settle, too. I had a side quest in life that taught me important things. Now it's back to the main quest.

We as people may not always understand what's "best" for us, or who is more compatible. But we do understand what attracts us and what drives us apart. And, as I've said, I have to keep an eye out for how people/socializing affect my health. Including how much of myself I can share/give.