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Heatwave broke. Yesterday was still in the 80s-F, and we're in the 70s-F today. The temperature is pleasant again, so the windows are open. Moscow is enjoying her front-window perch.
Dad's home from visiting relatives in NH. We're gonna make our kielbasa dish in another half-hour. Brief chat when he got home; nothing really exciting.
My brain wants to repaint my nails, just to occupy my hands. I don't know what I want to do next. I've been thinking of flamingos, to paint Jerry the black flamingo from "Even in Arcadia". I realize I'd need to buy some tools to do it easily, particularly tiny brushes.
Guess I'll keep working on swatches tonight, to get an idea of colors. I seem to only keep the colors for about a week, if I get antsy. Trying really hard to be chill, because I know this impulse is just anxiety.
These starlit nails are still so gorgeous. I'll have to keep wiggling them in the sunlight - distract myself with the sparkles and colors.
The sound at 5pm was just a single test. Fireworks started sometime around 9pm and ended before 9:25. I was just waking up, and the AC muffled a lot of sound.
I will say that even as I got closer to the sound, as I walked around the house, I was just fine. In contrast, I was a horrible wreck during last year's fireworks. Generally, I've been fine over the years. It's just that I was having such a hard time last year.
That weekend, I saw the beginning of the end of my relationship, with deflection and omissions. I finally understood the signals I had been ignoring. I was heartbroken.
Tried to make it work, tried to renew dedication, but it wasn't meant to be. By the time grief season came around, it got even harder to take care of myself.
By mid January, I knew that the frequent rescheduling was on purpose, not just being absent minded. I told myself to wait longer, until after grief season ended. I'd decide by June. When I couldn't cry one morning, I had to end it that night.
Now it's July and 5 months of getting back to taking care of myself again. The contrast is so bittersweet. Even at the start of May and June, I was already so much better.
I've sorted through the important stuff with my counselor. I've already said all I need to say, to the people I needed conversations with. Again, I know we weren't right for each other, especially with all the triggers with my mom and with me being a hermit. I can't date someone that reminds me of my mom. I already tore apart myself for her.
But I still wish him well. I hope he is happier without me. I hope he makes peace with his choices and mine. I hope he learns what it means to be a friend to other people, that he can gain the courage to ask questions instead of sitting on his hands in silence.
Just because there's a light on the shore, that doesn't mean anyone is actually manning the lighthouse. To finally emerge from the waves and find the light was just empty hope? To understand I am just as alone as I was before, and that I truly didn't understand how alone I really was? Why bother sending the first flare if there's no follow through?
I'm rethinking the meaning of a lighthouse, and I realized I had misunderstood. He was my lighthouse, but it wasn't a lighthouse that I needed. They warn of rocky shores, to help navigate around the edges of land. They're not the signal point that you navigate towards, like I assumed. But how ironic that my misunderstanding had an appropriate meaning, after all.
I may lack the words I need, but I'm still doing better than I was 2 years ago, 1 year ago, and 5 months ago. I found hope again, within the love for myself.
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"This bough has broken through, I must be someone new"
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
My entry for c.rogers_art’s DTIYS! Finally decided to bite (haha) the bullet and try my hand at drawing teeth, they ended up being so much better than I ever could have anticipated!
Drawing baby Vessel’s mask was also lots of fun, especially figuring out the cracks between that and the Eden mask. Hope you guys like this one, congrats on 400 followers Caitlyn!
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It's 11:50 am with a heatwave outside, but it's quite cool in the house. Wampus joined me for lunch, which earned her an unflattering pic from the paw-parazzi. I love the face in the last image.
Pic of our digital thermometer below the cut, so you can see the temp difference.
92F and 72F, or 33C and 23C, respectively.
I had just turned on the AC (a window unit in the other room) and a fan, but they weren't on long enough to affect the numbers. Even without either of those on, it was notably cool in the kitchen.
The cats also have access to our basement, so there are cooler places that they can retreat to.
While hearing someone mention another song, they said something about music being important lately and to "pay attention to the lyrics". And while I don't relate to most of the lyrics, the chorus resonated. How I sometimes give too much of myself, at my own expense.
There's a lot of other fiddly details that are interesting in the music. Really struck by the rhythm of syllables and the rapid back-and-forth of notes.
I played it a few times in a row and was able to cry more easily with each loop. I can't brain and word further than that today, but I take it as a sign to keep listening.
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