Still tired. No nail stuff today. Lots of laying in bed. Can't open windows due to humidity at night. Was still clammy during the day, too. Was fine with a fan.
Texted with Jay about this fatigue and the emotional frustration with dental. Mixed feelings about thrifting, because I'm too fatigued to do hobby anything. Don't want to be a hoarder like mom.
I theorized last week (and heard someone else say the same) that feeling guilty might be a way to pretend like I had more control over a situation than I did or do. Logically, I know I've made great progress so far this year. But dental stuff is in limbo; I have surrender myself to my doctors' caution and insight.
I told my counselor, I did everything I needed to for me to be there. And I did it really well; I was eager to get it over with. But doing my part wasn't enough. My non-logical side is mad that the transaction wasn't complete.
In retrospect, it's also projected frustration from when I tried to make other situations work and also had the other party not cooperate. Sometimes they dropped the ball, other times feel like they played games with my time and attention.
Logically, I know the dental folks are being cautious for my benefit. It's actually a good thing. But because I haven't processed (or fully admitted) the other stuff, my frustration is amplified.
Honestly, I've suppressed my frustration and anguish for so long, from multiple situations. I'm afraid to face it, to do something with it.
Oof, big heavy feelings. It's good that I'm growing aware, but all this shit just wears on me. You can get out of a situation, to save yourself, but it still haunts for years to come.
How funny that my fear of being a ghost is about being ignored and not seen for who I am. Yet I am haunted by people and perils of my past, sometimes the very people that disregarded me. And ghost stories are usually about the ones that stay, that can't move on or be ignored.
There's some poetic insight there, I'm sure. But I'm tired and need to have a good cry. =====
PS- this dental uncertainty also affects planning for my slumber party with Jay. She gets busy again in August, and I don't know how much rest I will need before hanging out.
I told her we'd have a "party" over the phone if we have to. She wants me to look after myself first, that she's just here for support. As in, I should prioritize my own care before worrying about future plans to hang out.
Yeah, I put extra pressure on myself to make plans work, because I get so excited. That got me into some bad places in the past, oops. Very glad Jay is reminding me to go slow and be gentle with myself.
