脑炸

Sometimes I get close to people purely because I want to see everything there is to see. Not even in some evil way, either. I just want access. To push someone to their limits, to see every single disgusting side of them, I want to know what someone looks like at their best, at their worst, angry, ashamed, obsessed, insecure, happy, pathetic, every opinion, worldviews, contradiction, and every strange habit. All of it. And the weird part is that I mean this in a genuinely affectionate way. I don't hate people for showing me ugly parts of themselves. Quite the opposite, actually. The more someone trusts me enough or gets dependent enough to show me something real, the more fascinated I become. People are just absurdly interesting to me, and I appreciate them for it. But yeah, once I've seen everything - or at least everything I'm capable of seeing - my interest starts wandering. I will just leave as there's nothing more for me to do. I've only viewed people almost like territories to be explored. There were people I could get close to and people I couldn't. People who opened and people who stayed shut. And naturally the ones I couldn't reach became the most interesting. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I've always been more interested in understanding people than actually keeping them. Just leaving after I've drained the light out of them. I don't know. That's a pretty depressing thought, actually.