#Helios was declawed by his former owners so he doesn't just slap things he dislikes like most cats#he really only feels confident in hissing at them#Especially because a lot of the thing he doesn't like are bugs and those are sharp sometimes :(#Selene has figured this out and now when she hears him hiss she sprints over the kill the fuck out of the bug#Helios has learned she will do this so he'll hiss at stuff louder and louder until she hears him#A nervous old man and his emotional support homicidal maniac
tags by @gallusrostromegalus
I couldn't reblog without the tags because the context is hilarious
A Nervous Old Man (right) and his Emotional Support Violence Machine (Left)
Yes, he is more than twice her size.
Yes, he is five times her age.
Yes, he cries like a big baby until she kills Unacceptable Scary Things (earwigs) for him.
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It probably is kind of fun to be a parent bird and find big fat bugs to put in your child’s goalpost mouth. And the more you do it the larger your baby gets, which shows your progress. Mine is reaally big, think I’m going to get a high score this time. It has a unique skin too, I’ve never even seen this one before. Has anyone gotten that one, dark brown and white belly with stripes? It’s not even in my Wrenpedia, it has to be a really special unlock
"The foxes playing a game of trying to leave stuff out for Neil to steal for his nest and it spiraling a bit. Bonus points if Neil doesn't notice it happening."
(sorry if you're new here but you'll have to read 200,000 words for context)
Nicky starts the game, because of course he does. Last years late discovery of Neil's unscrupulous habit of nicking the Foxes' things was just the beginning of Nicky's obsession with the idea.
"It's sweet," Nicky said one afternoon on the way to Betsy's, Kevin and Neil safely tucked away in the court with the rest of the Foxes. "I can't get over it. He, like... took our stuff. Because he loves us."
Andrew hadn't dignified that with an answer, but the idea struck a cord with Nicky and soon, Andrew watches as his cousin starts trying to strategically goad Neil into more thievery. He leaves innocuous things laying about the common area of the dorm: a hoodie. The tee-shirt he was wearing the day before. A slightly damp towel. None of it works until, one day, Andrew watches in increasing horror as Neil rubs his thumb and fore-finger along the sweaty, unwashed fabric of a bandana that Nicky had worn that night at practice and left strewn over the back of the couch. And with a practiced slight of hand, it disappears, and Neil with it, into the bedroom for only the amount of time it takes to deposit it in the bottom drawer— that pathetic excuse for a nest that Neil pretends everyone has forgotten about.
Perhaps he think he's being sneaky. Perhaps it is something deeply hardwired in his body that he's still figuring out how to understand. It's hard for Andrew to tell. But there's no end to it once that stupid bandana goes missing.
Nicky gets Matt involved. Were Matt's own inclinations not so deeply focused on Dan, Andrew might put up minor protest. As it is, Matt seems deeply uninterested in omegas. Which is why Andrew says nothing when he leaves his expensive jacket hanging by the door. On purpose.
And within the hour it's gone.
The game spreads like an unpleasant weed. The Foxes find increasingly absurd reasons to foist themselves upon Andrew's dorm room, leaving behind little bits and bobs of their person— a hair wrap, a scrunchie, jewelry, a book, sweaters, a pencil case, wired headphones, chapstick, a stuffed keychain. The only one who doesn't participate in Andrew's new undoing is Aaron, thank god, thank everything.
And Neil—stupid as ever, he doesn't even notice. If there's something that appeals to his base omega nature, he slips it away and says nothing of it having no reason to be in their dorm to begin with. Andrew watches from the corner of his eye, not caring enough to put an end to it. The things Neil prefers have narrowed into a niche, though perhaps he doesn't know it. Soft things, small things, things he can hurriedly spirit away, that make no noise when he tucks them into his drawer.
One evening, Neil is in the shower, Andrew rips the drawer open and stares down at its overflowing context. He ought to be furious. Something in his instincts tells him that Neil shouldn't be building a nest with someone else's things.
But Neil has always smelled like a smearing mix of the Foxes. His scent has always been faint and even now, presentation and all, his burned glands make it difficult to pick him out of a particularly smelly crowd. But this, this is familiar. This is something that has always been so Neil, so much of who he is that Andrew struggles to come up with anything other than mild annoyance.
While the shower runs, Andrew takes the initiative to dress up Neil's bunk a little. He picks the softest items from Neil's bottom drawer and tosses them into the sheets. He adds his own top sheet to the mix. When Neil returns, already dressed for bed and stuck into his clothes from his still-wet skin, he pauses in the doorway, frowning at the suspiciously nest-shaped lumps on his bed.
"What?" he asks. Andrew shrugs, perched on the dresser, smoking out of the window.
"What?" he volleys back. He left the bottom drawer cracked open. An admission of his meddling. Neil takes a few steps toward him. He keeps his face blank but those blue eyes have gotten so expressive. Neil might want to punch him. How fun. Andrew ashes his cigarette on the top of the desk and waits.
Finally, Neil steps closer into to hook his foot along the bottom of the drawer and pull it out. Andrew watches his eyes flicker and his brain whirr as he mentally calculates what's missing. He kicks the drawer shut and Andrew catches him at the back of the neck.
"It was already pathetic," Andrew says mildly. "But now it's just sad."
"Shut up," Neil says, shrugging one shoulder roughly to dislodge Andrew's hand. He doesn't release him, though. Andrew's thumb finds the ever-delicate knot of scar tissue over Neil's scent gland. Before, he might have pressed it hard. Now, he thumbs it gently, until Neil's nerves settle and he sways into Andrew's space.
The effect is intoxicating. Andrew swallows down a satisfied noise.
"It's fine," Neil finally says, his words a murmur. He knocks his forehead against Andrew's shoulder, wedging his body between Andrew's knees. "I can give it back."
Andrew snorts. He finally flicks the butt of his cigarette out the window. "Don't bother. They've been leaving those things around for you to take on purpose."
"What." Neil's head shoots up, his face stony in that humiliated way he gets. Andrew shrugs, gripping his chin with thumb and forefinger.
"You think that's a Title IX complaint?"
"Shut up," Neil huffs. He pushes himself away and this time Andrew lets him.
Though, Andrew notes with some satisfaction, that when Neil climbs huffily into his bed, he does so without first returning the soft items Andrew had chosen back to the drawer.
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I like to think Neil is a terrible kleptomaniac. not in the sense that he needs to steal because it’s exciting, or because he can’t settle down without doing it. It’s something much quieter than that, something buried so deeply in his instincts that he doesn’t even notice he’s doing it anymore. It’s the subconscious need to bring anything remotely useful back to what his mind now recognizes as home. a handful of paper clips? they might come in handy someday. a bouncy ball? maybe he’ll get bored. or maybe it’ll be useful as a distraction if he ever needs to throw something and draw people’s attention elsewhere. It doesn’t really matter what it is. anything could become useful eventually. better to take it first and figure out why later. now that Neil finally lives somewhere safe, somewhere he no longer has to abandon overnight, the habit hasn’t disappeared. It simply lingers on autopilot. more than once, while emptying Neil’s pockets before throwing his jeans into the wash, Andrew finds a collection of completely random things that are very obviously not his. worn pens, someone else’s keychain, a roll of tape from the locker room. half the items look as though they’ve already lived full lives in someone else’s hands before mysteriously ending up in Neil’s pockets. Andrew quietly lines them all up on the table and waits. Neil stares at the pile for a long moment before looking back at him. “I… don’t remember taking those.” and he means it. the act has become so instinctive that his hands simply pocket things without consulting the rest of him. somewhere along the way, his brain already filed them away as his possessions the moment he picked them up, so by the time Andrew asks about them, Neil can’t even remember where they came from, only that, at the time, taking them had felt as natural as breathing.
New local scandal is an old woman who will walk down to her mailbox in her robe, then, when no cars are driving by, lay down next to her mailbox as if she’s fallen or been hit by a car. Tourists will stop, help her up, and walk her to her house. Then, after they leave, she’ll repeat this until she’s bored with it.
Her neighbors have called the cops a bunch but have been told that it’s not illegal to fake being an old lady in peril so soft-hearted tourists or newcomers are nice to you. One of the neighbors sometimes yells “oh, get up, Lois!” at her. But overall local sentiment is that this is at least somewhat enviable levels of not giving a fuck.
fem spirk inspired by some awesome cosplayers i saw online, original under the cut :-) i think their users are @tiirabird-cosplay and @gridcosplay , plz let me know if there are other ways of crediting them
A sick wizard castle with a nondescript van painted on the side. A gothy pin-up girl with the portrait of a random trucker tattooed on her thigh. A bathroom-themed beach vacation. A beautiful brightly coloured cupcake that tastes like soap.
Jesus with a portrait of my grandma on his wall. A scimitar-wielding fantasy protagonist reading about the adventures of sixth-grader Kelsey. A National Park with a framed print of somebody’s living room.
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This is a reminder for those who handmake Christmas presents that now is not too early to start. It may in fact be a good time to start if you have a lot to make/your craft takes a long time. You should maybe start it now, whether that's brainstorming or actually doing the crafts!
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I read your fic of Tuna Meltdown being averted because Shane didn't want to tell his mom he broke things off with his "partner" and. That is the FUNNIEST possible opening for the most chaotic Fake Dating AU of all time. Please please PLEASE be my fake boyfriend so I don't have to tell my parents their son is having meaningless sex. Nothing has to change, I swear, we'll just pretend to be chaste and polite and affectionate when my parents are around and have debauched and meaningless sex when they aren't. This will be so fine and normal and is totally a thing we can do.
GOD
yuna and david were supposed to go to this game but thought they would have to cancel because they'd already agreed to going out to dinner with some friends who canceled last minute and then david had to work late, so yuna decided to drive up to montreal after all, and SHANE! WHO THOUGHT THIS PLAN WAS ALREADY CANCELED! THUS DIDN'T CHECK HIS PHONE WHEN HE AGREED TO LET ROZANOV COME OVER THE DAY BEFORE THE GAME, WHICH THEY DON'T ALWAYS DO.
which means yuna lets herself into shane's apartment (because why wouldn't she? shane's not texting back, which is strange, but maybe he's sick? it is flu season. and she has his key anyway.) ONLY TO FIND! SHANE AND ILYA ROZANOV SHIRTLESS ON SHANE'S COUCH AND ALMOST GIVING EACH OTHER BLACK EYES WITH THE SPEED WITH WHICH THEY SCRAMBLE OFF OF EACH OTHER.
and like??? really only ONE FUCKING THING they could have been doing!! very obvious what she just interrupted!!!
and oh...OH. all of this talk about how it's complicated and how shane can't openly be with his partner and yeah. yeah she gets it now. (yuna, oh my god). it ALL makes sense now. (yuna, please.) and yeah, kind of a mindfuck that her son's partner is the man?? who is supposed to be his greatest rival?? but she's already had a year of knowing shane was seeing SOMEONE. sooooo uh. hello, i'm yuna, we've met before but not under these circumstances, it's so nice to meet you finally for real, and-
and meanwhile ilya?? no fucking idea what's going on. kind of having a heart attack because jesus FUCK does he have a lot to lose if this gets out, but also?? she's shane's mom?? so she can't out him without outing shane and he's pretty sure she's not going to do that-
and then he registers that shane is Fully Freaking The Fuck Out. like straight up looks like he's about to pass out. and he doesn't know what's going on, but he knows shane looks like there is nothing happening in his head but aol dial-up noises and car wreck noises. and like. listen. ilya is also thrown for a loop, but he's not actually an asshole. he can tell shane is fucking TERRIFIED, so he's going to try and do what he can.
and what's the easiest answer to give when he doesn't know what's happening? agreeing with everything yuna is telling him.
yep. he is indeed shane's partner. he doesn't FULLY know that he understands exactly what that is, but he can figure that out when hollander doesn't actively look like he's going to pass tf out on him.
it's also at this point that yuna clocks back in enough (listen, sue her, okay, she has been DYING to know for a year now, so yeah she got excited and single mind tracked for a bit) to realize that her son and her son's partner are both still shirtless and she CLEARLY just interrupted Adult Alone Time, so she 180s and is like, "i'm going to go get some coffee, honey, you two can...*vague handwave* and oh! actually! your dad might miss the game, but he can still drive up tonight and we can have dinner here and-" and she is full Yuna Hollander Full Steam Ahead.
and then yuna is gone and it's shane and ilya.
and shane just. slooooowly curls up on his knees on the floor because What The Fucking Fuck Just Fucking Happened.
and ilya is also still a little ???? but puts a pin in that to talk hollander down from the ledge because man looks Bad.
and now they've got like. MAYBE 30 minutes to try and come up with a fake ass story for this dinner they're apparently going to have.
AND THEY STILL HAVE TO PLAY A FUCKING GAME BEFORE THEN.
and shane is just, "i know this is so weird. i am so sorry. trust me, i would willingly walk into traffic if i thought that would fix this. please just go along with it and i will explain whatever i can explain later-"
so they end up having dinner and managing to pull this act out of their ASSES. and they nearly fumble when shane starts to call him rozanov, but he can't do that with his partner, can he? that feels weird. so he calls him ilya, and ilya feels a little !!! zip inside him because oh!! that's!! new!! and oddly nice!! so calls him shane back.
so now they've broken the seal on first names. apparently. some fucking how.
and because yuna is yuna and DID HER FUCKING WAITING, she is inviting ilya to come to ottawa for the easter long weekend since they'll have time and it's not a couple's holiday anyway and he won't be going back to russia with such a short turnaround time-
and. listen. does shane feel great about this? no.
but it still feels better than having to look his mother in the face and say his partner is actually just a guy he fucks sometimes with no strings attached (jesus christ, shane.)
and ilya...is kind of just. going along. this is weird and also potentially complicated, but now gets to put his arm around shane? and call him shane? and he gets to pretend to play boyfriends because they have the understanding that This Is Fake? tbh? kind of ideal. the fun of playing boyfriend without having to admit ANYTHING to himself.
and the easter weekend ends up being the first time they share a bed because!! they get to ottawa!! and of course yuna assumes they'd be sharing!!! oh my god!! there was only one bed because his mom just assumed they wouldn't need another!!!!
laughing about them both simultaneously thinking they're running a con and getting away with something because they're both SO dedicated to playing boyfriends (for SURE not real boyfriends!! just pretend!!! ilya is doing shane a favor and shane just REALLY wants his parents to buy it!! it's ALL fake, though, guys, don't even WORRY ABOUT IT).
like shane isn't actually bold enough to really initiate anything, but ilya (at least from what he would say) has no horse in this race and tbh? kind of fun to play boyfriend. it's SO OBVIOUSLY FAKE OF COURSE, but like. sitting next to shane. and holding his hand. and kissing his cheek. and even putting his arm around him. and doing things like grabbing him a ginger ale if he's already up. it's all of the stupid daydream things he's *thought* about. and now. he gets to do them.
BUT IT'S ALL FAKE. IT'S JUST FOR THE SAKE OF LYING TO YUNA AND DAVID. THAT'S ALL.
and meanwhile shane?? is getting cuddles?? and gets to offer affection in return?? and ilya is attentive and responsive and even texts him often now?? because they need to have their story straight with each other and what's going on?? so they talk pretty often now?? and they've even cooked together a few times because shane panicked a little when trying to come up with Shit Couples Do when talking to his parents about what he and ilya do and just threw out "COOKING" because his parents cook together (meaning yuna gets to watch like it's her personal food network show and play taste tester), and then yuna and david who both know that shane has allergies and is a little particular about things with texture, etc. are just ?? ilya knows how to cook in a way you like??? and shane is just. Yes That Is Absolutely A True Fact About My Relationship With My Very Real Partner Ilya Rozanov.
and i'm laughing about these two IDIOTS both feeling like they're getting away with something and both enjoying it and feeling guilty about it AT THE EXACT SAME FUCKING TIME.
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