“and the most valuable player is… scott hunter” NOT TO ME. NOT. TO. ME.

he still talks like a goddamn linkedin profile

i’m not saying i wish that the characters were MORE homophobic, or even outwardly homophobic to begin with, but i do think it’s a little weird that we have seen virtually no locker room/rink homophobia as referenced by my lifelong enemy scott hunter (who did end homophobia through the power of PDA, but that is not enough to spare him from me)

[JULY, OTTAWA, IN THE NOT-A-JEEP]

i have to google when labor day is brb

ok it’s in september. i thought they might have stolen a rose sighting from me but they didn’t :)

shane is so me. i too wish i could relax and never leave my cottage #mycottage unfortunately i have 2 jobs and 0 cottages

i frequently go on silent retreats. in fact i went on a silent retreat this morning (forgot how to talk for 8 hours and hid in my room)

[THE COTTAGE]

this cottage does not look like a cottage. i hate rich people.

looked up the definition of cottage. this place is neither a small house, nor is it a public toilet in britain, therefore it is not a cottage. tomato tomato.

so not to reference wtfock again but basically in wtfock s3 there’s this constant sense that the mics are literally In The Actors’ Mouths bc u r constantly getting smoochin smackin noises at Maximum Gain. for some reason.

anyway im reminded of that in this moment.

on a related note i lichrally can’t hear any sounds quieter than 30dB. (for low pitch sounds it’s a lot worse lol, like 60dB for real low stuff, hence why i have an extremely hard time understanding ilya without captions, but i can only assume mouth sounds are high hz.) i just think that’s relevant.

monogamy…. slay…….? idk that feels weird to say

also shane and i r no longer mindlinked. where r ur socks king

“let’s just be honest with each other” fuckin earth shattering mind blowing ideas from this guy huh

what is it with rich people and havin walls made out of fuckin windows. do you not like being in a house. personally i like my houses 2 have walls. what am i talking about i dont even have a house

HE LITERALLY TRIED TO TURN THE WALLS INTO WALLS AND THAT EXHIBITIONIST BASTARD ILYA ROZANOV THWARTED IT

see this is the problem w fuckin GLASS WALLS !!!!!!!!!!!!! THE SMUDGES!!!! i am the person hired to clean “walls” like this. THE SMUDGES!!!!!

[EXT. WE’RE GRILLING NOW]

i find it really funny how shane’s allegedly been on a macrobiotic diet this entire time (maybe he stopped at some point idk) but then like literally nothing he’s eaten has adhered to that diet with 2 exceptions:

1) the brown rice his mother orders for him—tho notably the salmon does NOT adhere, and

2) ARGUABLY the tuna in the tuna melt. tho not the cheese or the bread or the tomatoes.

also, can’t have ginger ale!!!!!

i guess that one time we saw him eating straight up like leaves that was also fine.

[EXT. IT’S NIGHTTIME NOW]

i actually find bonfires very personally offensive in this period of my life. i will be taking no further questions at this time.

also now that i have a nearly-complete exterior view. “””””cottage””””” what if i killed you in hand to hand combat shane hollander.

ok i just had to do a bunch of googling bc i was like they have loons in alaska im Pretty Sure that means they probably also have loons in russia

and they do, but mostly in northeastern russia. which moscow decidedly is not. so i cant um actually the show today

almost made a self deprecating joke in relation to ilya’s mother but i am A) worried people will get mad at me and B) a little more aware than that about what people find deeply annoying and uncomfortable to hear. so.

[INT. WE’RE IN THE STUPID RICH PEOPLE SITTING ROOM]

i literally don’t trust ilya on a couch while a phone call is happening. i do not trust him. never trust a man.

NEVER TRUST A MAN !!!!!!!

dude i think that counts as touching. disqualified. disbarred. cancelled. banished from the village and reviled throughout the land

mention of thanksgiving had me shook i forgot canadians have that

THE FELLATIO MIMICRY WILL CONTINUE EVEN THO MORALE HAS ALREADY IMPROVED :/

i feel like they r always going Straight Into It. not 2 get overly personal on main (as opposed to such impersonal things as how my dad has dementia) but never in my life have i started a blowjob so aggressively.

adding onto that, things people don’t usually know about me now that i’m being open or whatever: i have given my fair share of blowjobs. obviously not any time recently. but i repeat: NONE OF THEM EVER STARTED SO AGGRESSIVELY!

i just can’t take it at all seriously. which i suppose is better than cringing into myself

did the exposure therapy work

am i cured

(no)

[INT. WE ARE INSIDE ON THE COUCH AND IT IS NIGHTTIME]

honestly i would like to see him and svetlana get married. i would like to see it!!!!

but monogamy slay :( i guess :(

i will say i’m not by any means having a Bad time in this episode but it very much does feel like… idk slice of life domestic fluff fic (i’m only halfway thru but) and i feel like that really only works if it’s about characters you like legitimately ship.

which i mean i haven’t really thought about it yet but i can’t say i do…? i don’t think?

tbf it is really rare for me to like. actually ship something. idk. i just tried to write out like 3 different sentences explaining what i mean and failed each time. so.

update i came back after making a few more notes: basically i think saying “this only works if you ship them” makes it sound like i dislike them as a pairing which i Don’t. but it’s like. it’s like fanservice for a very lowkey borderline fan. like…. an autographed setlist from a band where your only opinion of them is “plays on the speakers sometimes while in the grocery store and it makes for an ok shopping experience” anyway now that they’re talking logistics further on i’m finding it a bit more entertaining.

“we’re not fucking wrestlers” WRESTLING MENTIONNNNNNN

do they make heated rivalry but for wrestling. better yet. do they make heated rivalry but Specifically for lucha.

for someone whose stories that they write contain a whole lotta Nothing (read: characters just talking and thinking) i sure am being impatient in this instance i’m like goddamn can something Happen please as if this isn’t literally exactly what i do except it’s about romantic relationships instead of like suicidal ideation or whatever

[INT. WE’RE FUCKIN. TENDER STYLE.]

ok im back to not being cured bc ill admit i did close my eyes. it’s the same as pausing a bunch or muting or fast forwarding except this one is a response from Me and not something i do to my phone as i watch so it’s like very difficult to not do. sorry :(

[EXT. LAKE.]

glad 2 see we r wearing shoes in the water. always wear shoes in the water gang. preferably a hard soled water shoe. there r creatures down there and also sharp stuff. ask me how i know </3

“been ringing all morning” FUCK NOW SHANE’S DAD IS DEAD. kidding. assuming his parents found out he’s not on a silent retreat. who’d have thunk

“passta” no comment

i sense foreboding in the air. i sense it. why are we shooting from the dark interior of the house looking outward. hm.

WELL.

is it too much to hope that this is scott hunter. fuck it maybe it’s kip’s dad. he’s cool.

oh ok could b worse. could be better certainly. (for instance kip’s dad) but like. could also be worse

first thing that’s made me laugh out loud in the show thus far: shane’s dad up and fuckin driving away without saying a word. man was not equipped to have this conversation

“so much for easing them into it” he could’ve showed up mid plow session dude. there r worse timelines.

in a way i feel like ive brought this upon them. i was Just wishing for something to Happen. and something has indeed happened !

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

besties ur never gonna guess. peloton lied to me yet again.

[INT. THE NORMAL CAR]

i don’t think i’ve commented on very much visual stuff this ep but i do reallly love a warm color palette and also a rearview mirror shot so there have that

[INT. SHANE’S PARENTS’ HOUSE]

maybe it’s bc ive had an extremely terribly dissociated day and am now feeling ~kinda fuckin weird~ but this is the second time i’ve laughed out loud (tho admittedly not as big as the funniest thing to ever happen ever, which was shane’s dad high tailin it out of there) in this show.

nobody:

ilya: hi •_•

i know (at least i think) that people really don’t like shane’s mom but im sorry guys you (and by you i mean me) can’t help who you fall in love with

shane and my’s mindlink is back bc i too absolutely despise the word lover. up there in my top 10 least favorite words like actually

(u know what’s funny i used that word earlier in these very notes. it’s incredibly context dependent)

“we can’t just come out and like announce it” does my lifelong enemy scott hunter’s recent establishment of gay rights mean nothing to you

[EXT. SHANE’S PARENTS’ HOUSE]

so recently my lore drops were mutual approved

anyway when i came out to my parents as a lesbian i was 15 in johns hopkins inpatient eating disorders unit. and it was our first session of family therapy for this particular hospital stay (i had been in general psych inpatient before, but not ED inpatient, anyway) and my mom at one point asked me if i developed an eating disorder for A Boy.

and i laughed kind of hysterically and went “jesus CHRIST. no.” and then explained that im a lesbian (which is kinda funny bc i was hooking up with this particular guy at this very same time and would continue to do so for the next couple years)

and my parents initially did not believe me. probably due to them suspecting the existence of the aforementioned male fwb.

but then eventually they did believe me. and my dad goes. “ok so is it for a girl then”

ANYWAY back to the show

why do people dislike shane’s mom. did i make that up in my mind. did i invent this. am i the problem. am i the drama.

help i’m getting distracted by beautiful women again. hold on im trying 2 spell gorjus

[INT. SHANE’S PARENTS HOUSE. AND WE’RE ALL EATING PASSTA. WELL. MOST OF US ARE.]

“have you talked to scott hunter?” questions they ask me before they lead me into the torture chamber

[CREDITS TIME. WE R IN THE CAR]

every time he glances away from the road my old heart murmur acts up

“composer: peter peter” ….ok

[INT. SHANE’S ROOM. I THINK?]

sophie nélisse i love u u set my soul on fire

omg ok so there’s this scene in wtfock s3 (i have a complicated relationship w wtfock—who doesn’t—but this scene is very very beautifully shot)

ill just let it speak for itself: https://youtu.be/sTRz1U1ZrVA?si=6wWUsiXmZ1_YavvW

sorry i keep replaying every second of sophie screen time im never makin it out of this scene dawg

[INT. AIRPORT W ILYA, ALSO THE GYM WITH SHANE]

who the fuck is this new man in the airport

he’s literally terrifying what

TAMPA BAY????? WHERE WE WAIT FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP????? ON THE SIXTEENTH FLOOR????? (mountain goats reference)

“where does scott hunter fit into the mix?” i don’t care 👍🏼

[INT. RESTAURANT]

no thoughts only sophie nélisse………

“he’s lowkey in love with you” sophie im lowkey in love with YOU

sophie nélisse smartest person in the whole world

sorry i have a bad habit of referring to actors/actresses i like by their actual names (see: my road within notes) instead of the characters

i rephrase: rose landry smartest person in the whole world

“do you like kissing me” “sure” LMAO </3

sorry this is a nice scene but i’m really really gay and also i really really like sophie’s voice i’m sorryyyyyyyy

naked ilya jumpscare

ok rose landry and i are holding hands bc while i didn’t actually DATE many gay guys (i dated 1 and he was bisexual when we started dating and also bisexual when we broke up and is still bisexual to this day. he’s also a huge asshole. that’s irrelevant), i did have like 3 separate guys who were my friends, then professed to have a crush on me, and then later confided in me that they were gay. so. that’s wild!

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

every time i get that fuckass peloton ad they tell me im gonna have an Ad Free Experience. well riddle me this. why am i watching a T mobile ad rn.

[INT. ILYA’S ROOM. IN BOSTON. I THINK.]

idk hockey terms but i think asking someone to play wing is equivalent to calling them a slur

i love women i love women i love women i love women i love women i love women i love women i love women i love women i love women i love women i love women

are there people out there writing rose/svetlana fics. bc that little lip bite talking about rose’s style………. i am looking

brb

ok i’m back and yes there are technically people writing rose/svetlana but they’re doing it in that way where it’s actually a hollanov fic. tomato tomato tomato

[INT. BRIGHTLY LIT BAR IN TAMPA BAY]

vaughn sighting !!!!!! hi baby :)

apparently we have the same name so that’s cool

“you can never trust [ilya]” I KNOWWWW

jk i do trust him. more than SCOTT HUNTER, anyway.

i have to admit i Don’t think ilya is fashionable like idt shane’s joking. i think ilya’s style amounts to show arms. end of.

the captions said (water splashing) as soon as shane walked off screen so my immediate assumption was that he walked into a pool. that is not what happened.

[EXT. OUTDOOR POOL.]

sorry i live in a place where we don’t care about hockey like at all. like i didn’t know a single person growing up who played hockey. i dont even know if we have a team in the NHL.

one sec must goog

update no we dont. the closest would be philly.

all this to say the fact that these pool children know who hockey players are is so wild to me

yes yes montage that is endearing ilya to me yes yes (it is working btw) but also i wish sophie nélisse were here

[INT. ILYA’S HOTEL ROOM]

why do i feel like that call from alexei was about something very important. like their dad dying or something.

ilya yelling: “OK SO YOURE GAY SO WHAT”

scott hunter next door: :0

ok this time i do get why ilya’s yelling (big moment for me as a hater of almost all yelling) bc how at his big age does shane not know about institutional homophobia

my dad’s not homophobic or the police (he is in fact a retired teacher and tuba player) but he DOES have dementia. i already said this but dementia dad twins

ilya’s daily schedule:

yell

have a lil breakdown (real)

fuck

lay on the bed like he’s doing an oldspice commercial

also these notes are sillygoofy for the most part but trust and believe i did notice the first name drop last episode and i did notice it again ok im not dumb as rocks i swear

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

peloton this is not feeling very ad free to me :/

[INT. HOTEL ROOM IN BOSTON]

hayden is so real every day of his life “I DON’T CARE” (i do care but like also i get him)

[INT. ILYA’S ROOM]

hmmmmmm another ignored phone call. dude i think ur dad is dead.

[INT. LOCKER ROOM]

dude!!!!!! i know he sucks but you need to answer this call i think your dad’s fucking dead!!!!!!!!!

ok. post game. he answered. immediate cut to black. i love being right all the time

[INT. METROS LOCKER ROOM]

suspicious lack of ilya……. i love being right all the time!!!!

[FACETIME]

ok time to get real

with dementia specifically. my dad hasn’t died yet so idk how ill actually react when it happens

but there’s kind of a pre-mourning with dementia. i have had other relatives die of/with it before, and it’s generally been the same. by the time they’re dead, they’ve been dead for years. the grieving period is different. the grief is different, period.

i would say my dad’s already about 30% dead. maybe 40%.

anyway back to being silly

[INT. POST FUNERAL]

ok alexei whateverrrrrrr my family takes care of my dying father and nobody even pays us for it

the fine line of women characters who are truly just very nice and kind as a part of their character vs women characters who have no interiority at all and are just positioned as support pieces for the male protagonist(s)…..

[PHONE CALL]

connor storrie is kinda acting his ass off rn. sans ass his body weight will decrease by like 45% so that’s saying smth

the piano is kinda distracting me a little it always distracts me when shows use extremely well known piano pieces for background music bc my ass had to learn all of them when i was a child

[INT. HOCKEY]

the location is listed as “hockey” bc YAYYYYYY FINALLY MORE THAN 3 SECONDS OF HOCKEY

…….so nvm LMAO

fun fact i Literally knew an injury was coming from something my good friend han said like however many months ago but until this exact moment i completely forgor

ehh he looks fine he’ll live

can you imagine if he didn’t tho. crazy

[INT. HOSPITAL]

he lives ! alive and zooted to hell

side note one of my fears is fracturing my collarbone. it just seems like such a nasty bone to break.

[PHONE CALL: SHANE & ROSE]

i too wish rose was keeping a big lesbian secret

[INT. SHANE’S PARENTS’ HOUSE]

did the set designers do that thing where they put childhood photos of the actors on the wall. bc that rly does look like baby hudson williams

[TEXT THREAD]

shane hollander slowest typer to ever live

scott hunter isn’t 100,000 years old but he is my enemy so whatever we can say to make fun of him is fine

kip jumpscare

wolf parade detected

scott hunter do the right thing…….. do some gay shit on national tv and you will be reincarnated as a lotus flower……..

“previously on heated rivalry” and it’s just all 17 lines that scott hunter had

why do we automatically assume his buddy joe is gay. i mean he probably is this is heated rivalry. but like. can’t a quirked up straight boy just wanna figure skate. have we forgotten bobby nash so soon.

side note vaughn’s the cutest person here (except for svetlana and also the more that i think about it also shane’s mom)

[slow zoom on scott hunter in the sochi ice cream shop] yup. that’s me. i bet you’re wondering how i got into this situation.

[INT. THE SMOOTHIE BAR]

“what has happened to scott hunter?” i don’t care to know but im sure you’re about to tell me

oh also update from last episode i hate ilya a little less but also. i think maybe ive just been desensitized. like getting used to a fire alarm after a few minutes.

also another update there r bell peppers in my curry and those remind me of shane and his fuckass diet now :’)

scott hunter certified loser. scott hunter girlfailure.

oh boy. he ran right to smoothie boy’s ancestral home. wonder what he’s gonna find there.

scott hunter moistest man alive

i hate when somebody says a line in a show and i immediately feel like im sitting in a writers room and somebody’s like here’s my idea for a line

“the best ones the blueberry one” i find that hard to believe

[me trying to find out if a guy is gay] does he… yknow…. add a banana to his blue moon over brooklyn?

kip is a dog’s name.

what do u think this smoothie costs. $9?

OH I GET IT NOW. STRAW LIKE FOR A SMOOTHIE. AND THEN BERRY. LIKE IN A SMOOTHIE.

i need to stop taking a note every 2 seconds this is why episode 1 took me 3 hours to watch

there’s been a woman here the whole time?????? they were just acting like this???? right in front of her smoothie????

[INT. THE REGULAR BAR]

tell me why i spent the first 30 seconds of this scene thinking that this guy WAS scott hunter watching himself on tv à la early seasons buck buckley. but apparently it’s not. it’s “kip” (if that IS your real name)

ah. it’s not his real name.

“kip is short for christopher it’s not that weird” yes it is kip. yes it is.

“it’s shortbus for christopher” OK FUCK YOU LIKE ACTUALLY??????? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT????????????

[INT. THE SMOOTHIE BAR. AGAIN.]

why is the dialogue writing in this one like. bad. lmao I’LL GIVE IT TIME i’ll give it time

why is kip’s coworker fujoing out in the corner

scott hunter talks like a linkedin profile

[INT. THE REGULAR BAR. AGAIN.]

do these people only exist within various bars

oh shane cameo hiiiiiiii

how does anyone find people in hockey uniforms hot. you’re literally as obfuscated from perception as possible

[INT. THE SMOOTHIE BAR. FOR A THIRD TIME.]

do you think maybe they could also theoretically exist in a ballet studio (the barre) or an on a roller coaster (behind the bar) or maybe on the beach (sand bar)

i’m sorry i hope scott hunter isn’t a fave bc i really don’t trust him or like his vibe like he’s scary to me. and ive already unendeared myself to the masses with my ilya haterism

also they really don’t even look that similar but i DO keep getting them confused

game changer ass art in the background. THE DROPOUT SHOW. THE DROPOUT SHOW. THE DROPOUT SHOW.

“too lazy to be a serial killer” idk man you kinda got the vibe

[INT. THE RINK]

n e w l o c a t i o n u n l o c k e d

yknow. i think this episode is making me appreciate ilya more. at least he seems like a real human being.

speaking of! there he is. hi. I GUESS.

hockey fights look so dumb most of the time i’m sorry. i’m sorryyyyyyyyyyy. weeble wobble ass behavior. that being said my money’s on scott but i’m rooting for shane

[INT. KIP’S HOUSE]

spinoff about kip’s dad WHEN

[INT. FANCY HOCKEY FUNCTION/KITCHEN]

spinoff about shawn WHEN!!!!!!!!!

they look like the same man who has led two different lives

[INT. SCOTT’S APARTMENT]

do scott and shane have the same apartment. i’m sorry all white and greige rich people hard surface apartments look the exact same

now keep in mind i am poor ive always been poor and ill die poor. om nom nom i love SNAP. and etc. but being poor does not preclude me from being in one million billion rich people houses and apartments. and with the exception of antique places or like. massive log cabins. those modern rich people places are fucking UGLYYYYYYYYY

did they even eat. scott hunter why are you naked. did you even eat!!!!

“you are so beautiful” i hate to tell you this buddy yall look like cousins

you know what at least scott hunter’s polite.

[INT. SCOTT’S APARTMENT BUT IT’S MORNING NOW]

smoothie boy is smoothieing. a likely thing for him to be doing.

kip is disconcertingly ripped.

i don’t believe in body shaming and also im a lesbian so probably everyone expects this from me but there’s a certain level of high muscle low body fat that a man reaches where they become a sort of glistening, entirely sexless creature to me.

scott hunter puts out for a handful of blueberries and a goddamn banana

“what if you didn’t” (go)

yeah what if you just lived in his apartment as his smoothie making kept boy

“i know im too intense” yeah you’re like the guy from You actually. that’s who u remind me of scott hunter

am i crazy. what is so appealing about kip. have they even had a legit conversation. i THOUGHT they were gonna have a conversation but then all they did was dick suckin!!!!!!

“is that too much” you’re literally rich nothing you say means anything he’ll be your kept smoothie boy. why else has the narrative been emphasizing how broke he is.

them both being shirtless in this conversation is so funny and distressing for me bc i was relying on their outfits to tell them apart

[INT. SCOTT’S APARTMENT BUT IT’S AFTERNOON NOW]

omg he has glasses. they heard my prayers and gave me a new visual way to tell them apart.

[INT. MONTAGE TIME]

so he rly is just a kept smoothie boy. did he tell his dad or

oh so he didn’t tell his dad. BOOOOO. i mean whatever. sanctity of the closet

[INT. SCOTT’S APARTMENT. BECAUSE WE ALL LIVE HERE NOW.]

“but you’re a very pretty face” you have the same face!!!!!!!!

i suppose however that this is accurate gay representation. just 2 jacked identical dudes

[INT. ART SHOW]

forgive me please but why does scott in the baseball cap and sunglasses kinda look like jared padalecki

[INT. SCOTT’S APARTMENT. I WILL NEVER ESCAPE]

tell me why when kip came out w that lil box being like “now you’ll always have smoothies with you” i just assumed it was full of fruit

[INT. THE LOCKER ROOM]

[me trying to figure out if a guy is gay] does he, yknow…. wear blue banana socks?

[INT. THE REGULAR BAR]

i have no comments on this scene really except that i could stare into elena’s eyes forever

[INT. THE DOORWAY OF THE SMOOTHIE BAR AT DAWN OR DUSK IDK]

“there’s a little surprise for you in my closet” is it you scott

[INT. SCOTT’S APARTMENT BUT IT’S NIGHT NOW]

hiiii kip’s dad mwah mwah mwah

also wait ok he’s gonna check the closet

is it the art

WOMP WOMP. NO ART. JUST SOME FUCKASS SUIT.

am i stupid what is the significance of the suit.

[INT. FANCY HOCKEY FUNCTION 2]

i literally confused kip for scott again T-T

vaughn sighting hi baby

do we think scott knew kip was short for christopher

im sorry my brain just keeps going “problematic wealth gap”

oh my god elena butt out

sorry i have an issue w straight people (and honestly also gay people maybe elena’s gay idk) having opinions on who else is out or not out. youre annoyingggggggg shut upppppppp oh my godddddddddddd if kip has issues he can say them like an adult or suffer idk!!!!

this little speech is so corny and dumb. sorry. SORRY!!!!!

going back to my original comment about the dialogue writing in this one. i gave it time. it’s still kinda bad.

[INT. SCOTT’S APARTMENT]

see we literally could’ve just had this scene. what was the point of elena’s cringe shovel talk

[INT. KIP’S HOUSE]

hiiiii kip’s dad MWAH MWAH MWAH

[INT. THE LOCKER ROOM BUT THIS TIME IN SOCHI]

damn if i were him id be staring sadly and vacantly out into the distance too. shout out to your girlfailure loser sad gayboy socks :(