executively dysfunctional demisexual

Too much wine has been consumed between the four of them. An unknown amount.

“Y’know…” Svetlana starts

“Oh here we go.” Ilya cuts in.

“Shut up, Ilyushka”

“No, you shut up.”

“No you.”

“No yo—”

“Okay children, enough.” Rose giggles, wiggling her toes up at Sveta who swats at them.

“What I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted, is, I think it is funny, everyone in this room has kissed each other.”

Shane frowns “We’ve never kissed. And Rose and Ilya haven’t kissed”

Suddenly, a pillow comes flying through the air directly at Svetlana’s head—“Stop trying to kiss my husband!”

Sveta shrieks and manages to dodge it. She looks at him like an angry sister “Why do you get Shane Hollander all to yourself huh? Is not fair Ilyushka is like when you stole Greta from me in fifth grade.”

“I did not steal! Is not my fault everyone wants me.”

Shane looks between them “Whose Greta?”

“Nobody” Ilya says.

“My first crush! Ilya knew I liked her and kissed her on the swings at recess anyway.”

Shane’s mouth drops open in feign shock “Ilya, you did not!”

“He did! And now, now, Shane, now he steals you from me.”

Shane is smiling so big his face hurts. Rose looks as amused at the weird best friend antics.

“What are you talking about crazy lady!” Ilya is yelling.

“I said Shane was hot! When you got drafted! I said I was going to be with him!”

Ilya rolls his eyes and drops his head back against the couch groaning, “Ughhh how can I keep up with everyone you have crush on, Sveta, is everyday with you, our whole lives.”

Sveta gasps.

“Is true.” Ilya says.

“Is true.” Sveta mimics.

“Shane is gay.” Ilya says.

“Yes but Rose got to fuck him! Why not me!”

“Trust me, baby, you don’t want that heat.” Rose says over the rim of her glass.

“Hey!” Shane exclaims this time, “I said I was sorry!”

“Yeah yeah” Rose is waving him off. “I’ll make you feel better than Shane Hollander ever could.” She winks at Sveta.

genuinely feels like this sums up so many online interactions

Shane is like no! It’s embarrassing! And this is public! And you wouldn’t make me actually do that to Rose would you? You know the answer, I’m gay!

Only Rose thinks the whole thing is hilarious and gives Shane the go ahead so there’s no real reason to resist Ilya’s begging anymore, still he holds out to the day before the interview.

“Fine! Fine! You can ask about Rose, but I get to ask about anything I want too!” And Ilya’s like yes yes of course my love. His boring Shane would hardly ask anything damning.

Fast forward to the day of the interview Shane is fondly exasperated with Ilya’s Rose questions, and Ilya is being a cocky bastard so happy with how it played out.

Until they switch sides and Shane breaks out his first question:

“Is it or is it not true that despite famously calling Scott Hunter ‘a nearly extinct fossil’ you think he’s hot?” The blood drains from Ilya’s face pretty quickly after that.

“Do you think Hayden Pike is a good hockey player?”

“Do you consider Hayden Pike a close friend?”

“Who do you love more: me or Anya?”

“Besides me who is your favorite teammate?”

jackie: yeah separate bedrooms can be a blessing! i love hayden but sometimes i need my own space

shane: ????

hayden: it’s healthy for couples to get a breather! and it makes it more romantic when we share our bed again <3 even tho you kick in your sleep babe ahah

ilya: okei….

(later, at home)

ilya: don’t you ever dare sleep in a separate bed from me i will hunt you down

shane: fuck no never — also when you kick me in your sleep i just kick you right thefuck?? like grow a pair hayd, jeez

ilya: ok i see your point but maybe hayden shouldn’t kick his wife

shane: you’re right jackie should just kick him harder

Ilya left with Harris and Troy to get fitted for his best man suit for the upcoming Drover-Barrett wedding hours ago. He'd sent a very sexy selfie from the changing room, linen suit pants hanging loose on his waist, white dress shirt draped over his shoulders and unbuttoned down the chest, stupid lopsided grin with laugh lines and crinkles around his eyes (fuuuuuck, why are Ilya's crows feet doing it for him lately? Definitely not going to unpack that one).

Shane: Fuck. Come home.

Ilya: See something you like? I think it comes in your size

Shane: As long as it comes in me

Ilya: 👀

Shane: Come. Home. Now.

Ilya: Fuck. I promised Troy and Harris I would grab a beer when we're done. I'll let you know when I'm on my way home.

But hours later and still no text from Ilya. Shane doesn't want to be clingy. He knows the Centaurs see him and Ilya as a two-headed, codependent entity (which, honestly, fits in with the whole Centaur thing, wait no, Shane, don't lose the plot here). But he's starting to worry. Every now and then, Ilya will enjoy a beer since starting his SSRI, but never more than one, and he's always been completely fine. But still, Shane's brain is picturing awful scenarios, and he's practically thrumming with anxiety.

So Shane's anxiety wins and he dials Ilya. It rings a few times, and his heart fills with relief at the static crackle and rush of air filling the speaker. "Hello, Lyubimyy," Ilya purrs.

"Fuck, Roz, where the hell are you?"

"In the car, driving home from the bar. I'll be home in about 20 minutes. Just have to make a quick stop on the way."

Shane lets go of a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. "Okay. But if you're not home by 8, I'll suck my own dick."

There's a muffled gasp, but it doesn't sound like Ilya. He hears a tinny voice in the background. "Can he really do that?" it asks incredulously. Troy. Motherfucker.

He hears Ilya scoffs. "No. Wait. Can you really do that?'

"I bet its the yoga," another voice says. Harris. Fuck.

Shane blinks. His voice goes dangerously quiet. "Ilya," he starts. "Am I on speakerphone?"

"What?" Ilya squawks indignantly. "You are always so worried about me driving and talking, so I use the bluetooth."

"Ohhhhh well in that case," Shane says in a fake cheerful voice. "But you might have mentioned it before I STARTED DESCRIBING SEX ACTS IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS!" Shane yells.

"Shane," Ilya whines.

"Don't you 'Shane' me."

Ilya sputters. "I like to be hands free!"

Harris snickers in the background. "Apparently Shane likes to be hands free, too."

"Dude," Troy says. "You think he, like, can bend in half?"

Ilya growls. "Stop picturing it, Barrett!" he yells, presumably into the backseat. "Your fiance is literally next to you."

"Oh it's cool, Harris says Shane is my hallpass. Or, you know, Hollpass."

Ilya sighs. "Shane, we will fight about this later. I need to go kill Troy." And the call disconnects.

spreading the good word of @ilyapasta

first half of a self-indulgent grace & rocky comic thing, after reading too many fics

You can't clearly define who's LGBT. Even someone who could pass as 100% cishet in their everyday life could be LGBT. Someone in an opposite gender relationship could be bisexual. Someone could be questioning their sexuality, even slightly, or maybe they did in the past or will in the future. It also isn't just people who identify as a non-assigned gender or have romantic or sexual attraction to the same gender that are oppressed. Even those who simply deviate from gender roles while still technically being cishet can be oppressed for it.

Requiring LGBT status as a condition for entry to LGBT events requires LGBT people to be out. And being out can be dangerous, so it should never be required.