sad & lonely

referring to this crazy ass straight out of ao3 response ostark gave to a question asked in the panel yesterday:

i hope you enjoy :)

~

it was raining outside. theo and chris were at a sleepover with all the 118 kids at the wilson's house. buck decided to go to eddie's because things had been weird between them. sure, eddie was helping out a lot with theo and was always there for them, always had his back. but once it was just the two of them and they were alone, eddie would start acting weird and more closed off than usual.

naturally, buck worried and decided to check up on him.

"buck" eddie said, a little surprised when he opened the door. usually buck would just use his key to eddie’s house, but today he decided to knock. "what are you doing here?"

"can i come in?"

"sure" eddie said almost automatically, but with some hesitation behind his eyes. "is everything ok?"

"that's uhm... that's actually why i'm here. i wanted to ask you, if- if things are ok between us" buck said, walking towards the kitchen, where most of their important conversations happened.

eddie's face was... confusing. he crossed his arms, body suddenly stiffened.

"buck, of course things are ok between us, why do you ask?" he was such a terrible liar.

"that's exactly what i'm talking about. you're acting all weird with me, and i don't know when it started but i just need to know why, man. i- i need to know if it was something that i did so i can apologize and we can go back to normal, ok? so can you tell me, please?"

"i'm being normal." eddie said, looking at the floor, in a very NOT normal way.

"eddie, c'mon. you can't even look at me?" he took a step closer to eddie. they were just a few feet apart now. "please tell me what i did. i just need my best friend back.”

"but that's the thing, buck. i don't know if we can go back to just being best friends" still not looking into buck's eyes.

"why not??" buck asked in an elevated tone now. "what happened?? what did i do and say that made you so upset?? i- i know things are a little crazy and if- if me and theo are a lot for you right now i get, okay?? i'll back off, i promise, i won't call as much and i won't ask you to come over all the time, and-and maddie can help me with theo!! she helps me out so much already and i just didn’t wanna bother her and chim too much because they already have jee and nash but i- i'm sure that if i ask she'll help me out more so i can lay off of you and we can go back to how things were before ok?? i just- i can't lose you, eddie. i… i need y-"

eddie closed the distance between them, grabbing buck's face with his hands and kissing him, interrupting his rant. he couldn't hear buck saying those awful things anymore because he couldn't be more wrong. buck could never and would never be too much for eddie.

their lips were pressed together for a few seconds. none of them doing anything, until buck separated them, looking surprised, startled and confused, brows raised high in his forehead. eddie was just staring at him, face blank. he didn't plan this. he just... kissed him.

eddie kissed buck. on impulse. he didn't even think about it before he did. felt almost... natural. like he’s wanted to do that for a very long time.

"eddie."

“...buck.”

"you... kissed me."

"i uhm...i guess i did."

buck was still processing. his frown went from surprised to sad, and then to angry.

"eddie. you kissed me." he said firmly. "why? you can't... you can't just do that."

“i…”

"no, you can't do that to me. you can't just kiss me and not think about how that would affect me. if you just wanted me to shut up you could've just said so. you can't play with my feelings like that. and you can't possibly NOT know how i really feel about you, deep down. but YOU'RE STRAIGHT, so you can't do this to me, i can't. i uhm... i have to go."

buck grabbed his keys from the counter and exited eddie's kitchen walking angrily through the back door.

he's walking fast, eddie's calling his name, and he accidentally drops his keys on the wet asphalt on the way to his car, giving time for eddie to catch up with him and grab his keys from the ground before he does.

"eddie, give me my keys."

"can you just listen to me for a sec?"

"no. give me my keys."

"not until you listen to what i've got to say."

"eddie, c'mon. it's raining, we're all wet already, if you want to apologize, please don't. we can just pretend it never happened, okay? and i won't be mad, i promise. i just… i need to leave. now.”

"no, you're not leaving, it's my time to speak now, and you just listen, okay? i'm not gonna apologize for kissing you, because i've wanted to do that for so long, i just hadn't realized that till now. and you wanna know why i'm acting weird around you, buck? it's because it's YOU! it was always you, i don't know how or why i couldn't have known or seen it until now, but it has always been you for me, buck. and now with theo and chris, we're like this perfect little made up family and that's all i've ever wanted in life. you and theo could never be 'too much' for me, or for chris. you guys are exactly all i need, actually, so that's why i couldn't continue listening to you talk about it like you're not everything i've ever wanted. and all of this just hit me a few weeks ago and i've been trying to live with this and make sense of all these feelings ever since, and honestly i’ve been trying to deny it too because i have all this catholic guilt inside me and i just never thought this was an option for me, you know? and i’m not playing with your feelings because this is real, i’m pouring my entire heart out for you right now and i guess this means that i’m not straight but i can't deny it anymore because it's YOU, i want you, buck. more than anything i’ve ever wanted in life."

as buck took it all in, standing still in the rain just listening to eddie talk, he was suddenly being kissed again. but not just pressing lips anymore, this time with strength and passion. so he grabbed eddie's waist with one hand, pulling them closer together, and the back of his head with his other hand, entangling his fingers in eddie's wet hair. and buck was realizing how much he's also wanted this for so so long, but never allowed himself to even acknowledge it, thinking it would never be possible for him. that eddie would never want him the same way he wanted him.

but now, after having carefully listened to everything eddie just said, buck finally allowed himself to want him. and oh my god he wanted him so badly. he wanted to devour eddie. he wanted this kiss to never end. oh my god, he was kissing eddie diaz, his best friend, in the middle of the street in the freaking RAIN, very disney movie romcom style. and he loved every second of it. they both did.

eventually, they had to break the kiss apart to, you know, breathe, but they were both smiling like idiots. idiots in love, who couldn't believe this was actually happening.

eddie suddenly felt like he was actually breathing for the first time in his life, like buck was fresh new air and he had been living in a short breath for all his life.

buck was all the air he needed, and he could breathe freely now.

eddie’s shocked, they both just stare at each other, then buck starts to mumble “i uhm… i re- i read somewhere that holding a breath could make a panic attack go away… and kissing you would make you hold your breath, that’s why hum…” (yes, exactly like stydia’s first kiss 🙂‍↕️)

then they hear someone approaching and just get up, and for the rest of the call they pretend nothing happened for obvious reasons, their kid was trapped in an emergency (hopefully NOT injured) and they needed to FOCUS, buck was just trying to help out his friend and he’s glad it helped (yup, still in denial of his feelings but GOD he wanted to kiss eddie for so long, and he finally did!! not under great circumstances tho but still)

“buck wouldn’t mind being in love with a man if it didn’t mean being in love with his best friend, and eddie wouldn’t mind being in love with his best friend if it didn’t mean being in love with a man”

that makes it SO REAL for me. like, could they have handled buck’s coming out a lot differently? yes, sure, but i’m kinda glad it didn’t necessarily involve eddie right at first (not explicitly or said out loud, at least) because it’s what makes more sense for buck’s story. now that he has it figured out, he has no problem with kissing and falling in love with guys, but with his straight best friend, as he said it himself??? that’s still in denial.

but EDDIE??? my good friend eddie diaz is still very repressed and deep in the closet. i fear he has literally NO CLUE he likes men, and it doesn’t even cross his mind that he’s gay because that’s what he’s been taught his entire life. so that is why i NEED him to realize he’s in love with buck before he realizes he’s gay. like, he needs to figure out that what they have and what they share is anything BUT casual. that there is literally nothing platonic between them. and i guess that’s why an eddie coming out scene feels so distant right now, but buddie is so very close to going canon. i feel like a scene after their first kiss where eddie says something like “shit. i guess this means i’m gay?” is way more likely and suitable for his character.

chris has grown so much and eddie feels like he lost so much of him. he moved back to his parents town to be close to his son and he’s trying so hard to be there for him, but it seems like nothing he does is ever going to feel good enough for chris again.

everything between them feels… disconnected.

“you should just try to have fun with him, you know? he has to feel like he can trust you again” helena says.

“yeah… i guess buck used to have all the fun with him, and i always had to do all the parenting”, eddie replied.

helena pauses. “so you and this buck are really close then, huh? chris mentioned him quite a few times. he said once that buck was his cool dad.”

eddie hesitates. dad? chris sees buck as a parent figure?

as he starts to process that information, eddie realizes that buck has actually been the second most consistent person in his son’s life. ana, marisol, even shannon… his own mother had her time with him cut short, and buck has been there for chris for seven years now. for both of them, really.

at some point, did they start raising him… together? eddie never looked at it that way. but buck was always there. he was both chris’s and eddie’s first emergency contact when things went wrong. not 9-1-1. not eddie’s parents. buck.

“hum… yeah, i guess we are. and also, he’s not wrong. buck is definitely cooler than me.”

…

later that night, on the phone:

“so my mom says chris mentioned you a few times. he really misses you, buck.”

“he did?? god i miss that kid so much. i bet he’s so tall now!”

“he is! he has grown so much man, i can’t believe it. and i’m sorry he hasn’t called you, you know it has nothing to do with you, right? he was just so mad at me and i think that you just kinda reminded him of me, if that makes any sense.”

“i know, i know. and i’m not even mad, i know how hard this has been on you. so yeah, we may be miles away from each other but i want you to know i’m still here. anything you guys need, just name it.”

“you always are, huh? thank you, buck. like i said, i don’t know what i would do without you.”

eddie could hear buck’s smile over the phone.

“you know… chris isn’t the only one who misses you.”