do yourself a favor and readĀ āOh God, Not Again!ā by Sarah1281
it is a harry potter fanfic from like 2009, 160k words, 50 chapters
basically, adult Harry accidentally goes back in time and wakes up on his 11th birthday again, but with all his memories of the future intact
(the way he travels back makes no sense whatsoever but it doesnāt really matter)
harry decides upon 3 goals:
fuck up as much shit as possible
save some lives or whatever
his go-to explanation for how he knows whatās going to happen?
(hermione is SO PISSED about this)
(nevilleās likeĀ āeither heās psychic, or heās the greatest conman aliveā)
everyone just sort of assumes harryās insane and he doesnāt do much to dispute this
harry also decides to make it his mission in life to LOSE the house cup every year
āsnape is my sole allyā
he also goes out of his way to befriend neville, ginny, and luna earlier this time, so theyāre part of the gang throughout and itās great
(when harryās not spreading a rumor that dracoās the lovechild of narcissa and snape, anyway)
harryās motivation for everything he does in this story is basically,Ā āoh, this will be hilariousā
either that or,Ā āitās probably a tax deductibleā
because the way lockhart is written in this story is also amazing and harry ends up teaming up with him to merchandise The Boy Who Lived so he can have cash to burn
(so he gets a LOT of shit done via bribes)
it gets to the point where harry is able to convince everyone that heās not the heir of slytherinā¦. because if he was, heād have found a way to make money off of it
and everyoneās likeĀ āyeah ok that checks outā
in this timeline, nevilleās boggart isnāt snapeā¦. itās harry as the minister of magic
harry also decides to make sure cedric lives by quizzing him constantly on what to do if he ends up in a graveyard
harry: by the way, that reminds me ā cedric. graveyard.
cedric, not even really listening: run like hell.
the sheer magnitude to which harry does not give a fuckĀ in this timeline is truly awe-inspiring
he mouths off to everyone, and i mean everyone. lockhart, snape, the dursleys, malfoy, frigginā voldemort
everyone is likeĀ āwhat⦠what the fuck, harryā
(though by the end of first year itās more likeĀ ā⦠*deep sigh* ⦠fine.
itās fucking hysterical and just about everyone ends up better off