The gynandromorphic northern cardinal never tried to sing

sid designed the most horrible MS paint monstrosity of a shirt ever to commemorate his Very Special Weekend with the boys 🤍

sid spent months personally planning a cole harbor scavenger hunt with the help of his childhood coach, who reported that sid has been vibrating with anticipation for ages about having The Guys in his hometown

sid took the boys to the most challenging golf course he could find so he could defeat them. his love languages are scrapbooking and winning at all costs 🤍

geno wore his sid hat and posed with a dented dryer, which he called the most famous washing machine in canada. that’s right G keep him humble

sid and his parents coordinated to make goodie bags for all the players which included a fresh baked loaf of banana bread

we also learned that sid regularly makes mini loafs for the guys during the season (I can only assume to boost morale) and leaves them in their lockers. I can’t. what. who is he

bryan rust described his captain as “little suzy homemaker”

geno coached a kids’ skate clinic with sid and the coaching staff during which he made the children laugh and then terrorized them by chasing them down the ice and pelting them with his gloves as hard as he could. that’s the kasterova-malkin philosophy of childrearing ok you can’t let a little pipsqueak win

a small child asked sid how he felt when he got drafted by the pens and sid said :))) I was pretty excited about playing with this guy :)))) and grinned at geno like a dope. get married about it you disgust me

another small child asked sid who his best friend on the team was and sid grinned and pointed wordlessly at geno, who fist pumped the air and hollered in smug triumph

kris chirped sid soooooo good about acting like he had to “grind hard” or whatever to make it to the big leagues from his gritty working-class small town when in fact there are squash courts outside of sid’s very nice childhood rink

also kris wore sid’s horrible MS paint creation to a hospital. he inflicted sid’s graphic design upon sick children. for shame

the children kept up a steady chant of CROSBY, CROSBY, CROSBY during sid’s media and geno in the locker room said NOT CROSBY TELL THEM MALKIN IS HERE TOO and then when the pens posted this video on insta he commented “crosby crosby crosby”

our little suzy homemaker included very special tartan ties in the very special goodie bags he left in everyone’s hotels. I assume he personally tied these ties for every member of the organization before giving them all a very special kiss on the mouth and sending them off to work. also according to @doc-pickles the ties have special historical Nova Scotian significance because of course. fuckin nerd

we got Day in the Life of a Two-Decade Marriage footage of sid and geno discussing the most mundane shit in the locker room, something I personally could listen to for hours. sid signed sticks for kids. geno told him fuck them kids! kids are bloodthirsty little monsters who’d tear each other limb from limb to get a signed crosby stick (this earned him a breathy distracted little laugh from sid which is still haunting my dreams). geno also regaled us with a story about this one time a pro hockey player gave him a stick as a kid, at which point sid’s attention snapped into hyperfocus mode (“what kind of stick? what did it look like? what color was it? mario had that stick. this is the length of that stick. this is the approximate weight. this is the exact curvature of the blade. these are the games in which mario used that brand of stick. this is a list of the goals he scored using that stick, along with the date, time stamp of the goal, career save percentage of the opposing goalie, and what the weather was like outside”) because he’s just Like That

when the cameras came looking for geno he irritably shooed them off. sidney is outside go bother him he’s too polite to tell you to fuck off, as I am doing

the team lost in the funniest and most pens way imaginable ahahaha. cut to troy cracking up in the box as taylor and kathy gaze blankly into space and trina clears her inbox

the refs gave the pens like literally fifteen power plays in an increasingly desperate attempt to help them score even one goal but lolololol our boys were NOT interested