Be Kind!

If I were a tea cup I'd surely be empty

If I were a window I'd certainly be stained If I were a prayer I 'd definitely be unheard

If I were a promise I'd be a broken promise

If I were a dream I'd be a dream unfulfilled

If I were an opportunity I'd be an opportunity untaken

If you think you know me, you are mistaken

Its heavy and I carry it with me all the time

You don't think your sorrow even effects me

But it absolutely wrecks me.

I don't know where you end

And I begin.

I wear your pain

Like its my own skin.

I lie awake at night,

Trying to catch my breath

Scared to death

I can't protect you

Protect you from this cruel and ugly world Or the monsters that dwell in it

Protect you from self inflicted heartaches, nonsense mistakes and lessons learned the hard way.

I lie awake at night

Trying to catch my breath

Scared to death

I'm going to lose you

Lose you to your anger that you've misguidedly pointed at me.

Lose you to the lies and manipulations told by the fairytale of a man who you desperately wished was, but never really was there in the first place

I lie awake at night

Trying to catch my breath

Scared to death

I am not, and have never been,

Grateful to be alive,

I should really make something of myself.

It easily could've been me.

It really should have been me!

I owe it to her,

I owe it to them

But life really isn't fucking fair.

And does anybody really care?

On the inside I'm rotting, full of decay.

Part of me died along side her that night.

I've always felt broken, maybe beyond repair,

but you've seen my damage

and yet you still handle me with care.

Just because I have been stamped fragile doesn't mean I am not exquisite.

you see me as a work of art.

Like an original Goya or Dali'

dark and haunted, but affectionate and enchanting.

A masterpiece to be cherished.

I want my family all in one place.

I want this world not to see race.

I want religion to not cause chafe.

I want the lines between right and wrong

To stop from dissipating,

And morals from evaporating!

I want the bible to be taught in schools

And God no longer blamed for ignorant fools!

I want people to understand that the world is not currently under Gods command.

I want the Devil held responsible for his crimes,

Tossed into the fiery pit and chastised!

I want Gods Kingdom to come and

Satan's reign to be done!

I cut myself twice hoping to escape the blame

The third time I meant to erase my existence

As an adult the urge still haunts me

Nauseates me

Because the pain is real and the blame is mine to bear, but my existence isn't mine to take. I wouldn't dare!

But the thoughts, the cripplingly self doubt, the questions of what the fuck is life really about....

I heard this line on the show Maids the other day and it just keeps echoing in my head. The warning signs were flashing long before he left the first physical bruise. To every woman or man who has ever asked themself the question, could he/she? Is this a red flag? If you have to ask... get out now. It only gets harder as he or she will find new ways to tear you down, make you believe you are less than or unworthy. I remember reading an article 10 signs your partner will likely be abusive, he struck 7 of the 10 boxes, but still I thought he would never hit me. He loves me. He's not that kind of person. Its really sort of disturbing how more than a decade later I am still dealing with the PTSD of domestic abuse. At the age of 23 I sat down to write my autobiography or biography, honestly it could have gone either way. I wanted to call it " If I Go Missing or turn up Dead " the title was very close to a title of Author Janine Latus , DV survivor, and sister of Amy Latus who was gruesomely murdered by her abusive boyfriend.

I never finished writing the book, it was too painful living through it, trying to rewrite the trauma made healing impossible, but I think most DV survivors can relate to the feeling and fear of any moment being their last.

As a teenager I used to watch Montell Williams or Maury Pauvich or some equally cheesy talkshow with attempted interventions to women in abusive relationships and I judged... I'd yell at the TV "are you stupid, how can you think he loves you?" "If that's what you think love looks like, no thank you!"

But it is sooooo not that simple, it doesn't start out with degrading abuse. You are their world, move heaven and hell for you. Make you feel like you are the only person who has ever been enough, the only person who really understands and knows them, tell you everything, want you to be their everything and slowly a degrading comment here, a rough day there, and boom a light switch one too many drinks it will NEVER happen again you are their everything.... blah blah blah repeat until you finally see the pattern. By that point you have a mortgage and kids and a dog and you are deeply invested and leaving is messy and difficult and they are not going to make it easy.

If you really knew what depression was

You wouldn't toy with my emotions just because,

You could.

And when I told you I was insecure, & didn't really think you wanted me for, the reasons I wanted to be wanted for

You wouldn't laugh, while razor blade visions from my past flashed of a life before

when You would

Go out of your way to make me know that I was loved, deserving, desired and all of of the above.

Only the dead,

Only the dying,

Or the chronically ill

Could possibly understand.

But, still life has it's demands.

      My spirit reeks of defeat and decay

             As those around me merrily go about their day.

I smile through the tears, grit my teeth and I push through,      

       all while they haven't got a clue,

              But  truly would I really want them to?

Pity me and treat me differently?

       Look at me as less than or incapable

              Unfortunate or unable....

                     I'm certainly not the same,  but fuck if I'll be treated as the lazy or the lame.

It's my burden to bear. From those I don't know, the grief I can spare.

It makes getting close to anyone a risk that I just wouldn't dare.

And those who knew me before,  well they don't know me anymore.

When you're in a constant state of ache, there isn't any room left on your plate for other people's mundanes.

Naked and vulnerable

Feeling unworthy and unlovable

My emotions raw and exposed.

To you I bear my soul.

Won't you kiss my scars

Healing me inside and out

Taking away all self doubt