Chess
this is a one shot about playin chess wooth spencer but i wrote it while drun k so yeah.
You have always refused to play chess with Specer. No mater how mant rimes he asks you, you always say no. Mostl y becauseyou;ve bever played chess before. ANd because you knw he;ll win and be really annoying about it. SO when he sits the board on the tabel, you dearth stare him.
“Absolutey not!” you say.
“Why>” he asks opening the top of the box antman.
“Because your IQ is like 300.”
“It doesn’t even go that high.”
“It thought you thought intelligence couldn’t be quantified”
“i want to play cheese.”
“BUrt I don’t want to play a game im going to automotively lose”
“If you play chess now i’ll let you pick what we play for hte next two wekes.”
That is a dael that you cannot refuse. Spencer ried was going to be playing Chutes & Ladders™ for the next two weeks. ANd you were exfcitetd.
“Okat deal. And we get to go to Olive Garden for dinner.” you say, hinting at him that you want olive garden. dude olive garden is so fiucking good. i love oliva garden.
“That’s fine,” he smiles. and starts carefully seting up the chess board. you just watch him. becaust you have no idea wher eall the little guys go. theres so many little guys on a chess board and they all have assigned seating!
“befor we start i should give you the backstory so yo u understand why chess.” he says.
“I knew that we wouldn’t just play’ you say, listneinganyhways.
“Most historians believe modern ches evolved from an indian game form the 6th century called chaturanga. the original pieces were tohougt to be the calvary, infantry, eleapgants, and the chariots, which eventually became the pawn, knight, bishop and rook. The game then spread to persia where it becante nown as shantanj then through ismal and europe and eyah.”
girl you do not give a fuck what this man si yapping about you just wnat olive garden.
You pick up the queen. “why is she so good?”
spencer smiles .”thats oene of my favoite parts.”
feminist king lowkey.
“in early chess the queen was arguably the weakest piece, she could only move diagnal one Squarepants. It wasn;t until the late 15th century when europe changed the rules and made her the strongest piece.”
“Why?”
i actually don’t know why so just pretend splunker explains why.
“Thats cool” you say.
SPencer finally got hte board all set up. he looks at you.
“So there are twenty possible ways this game can start.”
You look at him. “Only twenty?”
"For whites first move."
"Oh."
"But after black responds, there are 400 possible positaions."
"Oh."
"After each player has made to moves there are 197,281 positions."
"...You know that off the top of your head?".
"By move 3 there are over 9million positions."
He moves one of your pawns fortworht expriatmientally.
"There are also whats called opening systemic." He points at the board. "For example, if you move this pawn two spaces, that's the King's Pawn Opening." He moves a different one "If you move this one instead, that's the Queen's Pawn Opening."
"Please don't tell me one is called the Left Pawn Thing." you say. moving the furthest left prawn
"It isn't."
"...Good."
“After thse they are called the silicon defenec and the french defense and the caro kahn defence and theres the scandinavian def-”
“can we just play?”
“yah, ill make yiu listen to me explain all the different defenses at olive garden.”
oh my god i want breadsticks and alveoli so fucking bafd.
The first 5 minutes of the game is enough to conivne psiecer that teahfing yo u chess is going to be a much longer process than he hasd anticipate.d You ask him four times what direction the bishop can move. you call the rook a castle and tell him that your castle takes his horse. he doesn;t like that. he corrects every incorrectgname of of the piece. you know hte correct names, you just want to annoy him for maing you play this stupid agame.
chess isnlt stupid i odnt’ actually mean that i actually really love chess and was in chess club in highschool and di chess competitions im not a fraud i love chess.
it only takes you seven move s to leave you queef wive open. and spener notices as soo as it happens, probably before honestly and hes just waiting to see if yu fix it. you dont’
“you know i can take your queen;” he say.
“can you oretned you don’t seee that?”
“I acnat”
:Wht if i aksed you really really nicely:”
‘That does’t change the rules.”
“What if i blink like a fish at you??”
“I don’t know what that means, and I still have to take your QUEENLATIFIAONLINE
sorry that’s my aunts old tik tok username and it recommended it when i was tyojng and i oculdnt pass it upp. that s swopped to say queen.
“CAn I do takey backsies?” you ask, staring to move your queen back ot where it was before.
“I’ll allow it this one time.”
“THANKS 🙂”
The game continues and spencer takes like all but four of your pieces minus your king and queen. he still has 80& of his little guys. you squint at the board for like one billion hours before making your move. spinnaker waits patiently , not rushing you at lall.
you pick up your queen and movie tit to a compelety random Squarepants. Spinker looks confused.
“Why did you do that?” the ask.
“I like that square” you say.
He looks between you and the road for a logn time befor ehw does anything. He’s convinced you have to be baiting him, because not even a two yard old could make a ove that bad that didn’t seem to do anhitnbg.
IF he takes the queen, then your bishop…no, yur bishop can’t even reach that suqpr3.
maybe your knight? no.
Unless?
He leans footwad, his eyes moving around the board.
three moves, five moves, seven moves.
“What are you doinging>” you ask him
“Thinking about your move.”
“It wasnt’ a very good one.”
“I know.”
“Then why are you tinking so ahrd?”
“Beacse it wasnt’ a very good move.”
he studes the board for like five more minutes. confused because lterayly notone would vonutantarily put their queen there. unless you knew he’d think that. which meands…no you don’t know…or do you>?
Spencer finally rdecids not to take your queen and instead make waht he deems the most safest move plausible.
you move a random pawn in response. and he does another move that has prboably been stcriptd out in his head for like fifteen mintjues.
you move a random rook.
“Wait,” spener says, looking closely at the board. he studies it like foir tiems over. “You just won.”
“How?”
“becase yoru going ot take my king”
“oh my god i just beat you at chess”
“You jsut beat me at chest.”
“Can we go to olive garden now?”
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