The Writer

But I let my insecurities get the best of me

Good.

But I don’t deserve to be tortured by it anymore

That’s it.

My biggest challenge when it comes to you was understanding why. Why you were always gone Why you were in my life Why I ever tried to love a man who doesn't even exist a blip on a fake map a sudden flash on a cracked screen an occasional voice in a desperate ear The easiest part is pretending you never happened Pretending you were never mine because you never were my friends never saw you but...neither did I And I am not grateful for any lessons learned And I am not grateful for any compliments given I am simply sad Sad that the hope I trained myself to give to nothing was indeed nothing to hope for I have nothing to show for you just some smiles that still creep across my angry face and the the tearful reminders that wipe those smiles away My heart is not bigger My days not brighter and my nights no shorter All you've given me is a notebook full of questions and a pen with stolen ink You were perfect for me but you were not real How the hell is that supposed to make me feel If I could tell you how I feel I would tell you all I did was care about you about me about us I have no idea what you cared about the way I made you feel? Your pain... The war. But not the importance of a phone call or an "I am sorry" every once in a while an "I am sorry" it's this way I am sorry I am this way I am sorry you care Because then I would tell you I am sorry I'm so fucking sorry For the way I made you feel both good and bad And I'm sorry you would not hear me out And I'm sorry for anything I may not know about I'm sorry about your parents your bad luck your chosen career the contract you exchanged for the life you wanted for the girl before me... but most of all I am sorry that I am not who you thought I was You didn't notice that I am A fighter A woman Passionate I am sorry that a person like that will not be ignored. If I can give you anything it is the knowledge that you are my longest poem my highest hope my greatest fear. I know that I fell for the idea of you and I am afraid that it was the real you who let me down. After you I can give myself drunken nights an old screen flashing with new lights regrettable sex another memory in my box of rejects

She begins to count sheep After 500, she lets them loose Even though her arms And legs are heavy with use Questions swarm her brain About what parts of life Are stealing the wholeness of sleep Finally She realizes In the pitch darkness of her bedroom cell Her eyes were open She just couldn't tell.

Sitting on my patio Trying to enjoy the breeze And the cars passing by There is a man interrupting it all And isn't there always He sits on his patio daily Though I cannot see him And he spews on endlessly Into a phone, I guess For the man's conversation is always one sided And doesn't that make sense Each day I leave for work And I hear this man speaking louder Than can possibly Be needed to hear On the other side of a phone I do not know from which patio he reigns But it is far enough That I should not hear his complaints Go away invisible man There are people here Enjoying the two-way conversation Between life and enjoyment.

Loch Ness.