Dear Inner Fat Kid,

Weight: 142,4 kg (- 1,3 kg)

Waistline: 143 cm (-1 cm)

Chest: 125 cm (- 4 cm)

Biceps: 40 cm (0)

Dex. Thigh: 73 cm (0)

Sin. Thigh: 68 cm (- 2 cm)

Weight: 143,7 kg (- 0,1 kg)

Waistline: 144 cm (-1 cm)

Chest: 129 cm (0)

Biceps: 40 cm (0)

Dex. Thigh: 73 cm (+ 5 cm)

Sin. Thigh: 70 cm (+ 2 cm)

I have touched on it a lot but one of my long-term goals with this journey is to fit into my fetish gear, more on that later at some point. However, because of this, I found that this image really struck a chord and reverberated with me.

I’m not really a fan of banana and when I do eat one I want it almost fully green and properly starchy. So many times that birthday cakes in Sweden have been ruined for me by a layer of mushed brown banana... Thankfully these yellow bends have other uses, like banana pancakes! These are very simple and low on carbs and can even be re-heated from frozen without any greater loss of quality. Although not the kind of pancake that Jack Johnson sings about.

Banana Pancakes (2 ingredients)

1 banana (yellow to brown)

1 egg

(optional: 1 tablespoon of cornflour)

Heat a flat skillet or a frying pan, medium heat. (Use cooking fat if your pan isn’t non-stick.)

Crack an egg into a bowl and whisk it frothy.

Peel a banana and fork it into a mush, in the bowl with the egg.

(Optional: Add some cornflower before whisking to add structure to the pancake.) Whisk the mixture for a few seconds before pouring into the hot pan.

Cook on the first side for 60-90 seconds or until the top stops being wobbly. Flip and then cook on the other side for another 60-90 seconds.

(1 month coming back from COVID-19.)

Weight: 143,8 kg (- 1,6 kg)

Waistline: 145 cm (0)

Chest: 129 cm (- 3 cm)

Biceps: 40 cm (0)

Dex. Thigh: 69 cm (- 5 cm)

Sin. Thigh: 68 cm (- 3 cm)

TW: body image issues, self-hatred, weight & weight loss

My life and the world around is quite a bit different since last time I poured my thoughts and feelings onto here. In late April I got sick with flu-like symptoms and quickly got tested to confirm I had caught COVID-19. I continued to suffer a plethora of symptoms over the course of 2 months and spent a vast majority of that time quarantined in my flat.

A month ago or so I got got back into daily physical activities, counting calories and maintaining a level of caloric deficit after a 3 month hiatus. And let me tell you, it’s a struggle! First off, having break my 120-day-streak of exercise was really crushing and the first few days after I got sick I still tried to be physical despite the virus but had to give it up when I couldn’t even be outdoors. I kept up tracking my food for another week before I just gave up out of frustration and boredom. Weighing and measuring myself after these 3 months was though too, I knew that I’d gained weight and was happy it wasn’t everything I had lost up until that point yet I just felt like a disgusting failure.

I’m once again 1 month in doing these lifestyle “changes” and it’s different this time, especially when it comes to working out. When I usually didn’t mind or maybe even enjoyed the chosen physical activity once I got started I now struggle to push myself to do it and can’t help to feel like just giving up for 15 min if not throughout. I generally don’t describe myself in this journey as motivated or inspired, but rather sticking to it through stubbornness but nowadays I feel like I’m lacking that as well.

It has been 4 months since I got sick and 2 months since I was declared healthy or at least allowed to not quarantine myself from the outside world. My fitness following the virus is still poor, worse even than when I started this journey at the end of 2019. The 3-4 flights of stairs at my work and up to one of the gym-locations I visit is more than enough to leave me breathless and my clothes visibly wet with sweat. A 5 minute moderate cardio warm up (stationary bike or elliptical) is harder and more taxing than the hour or so of lifting weights that follows. I also get sudden waves of nausea and dizziness, often tied to heavy lifting or moving my whole body relatively suddenly (leaning over to empty the dishwasher). My doctor have prescribed me with some antiemetics that I just in conjunction with gum for seasickness and fresh ginger that only really works if I take it before I feel ill, which is hard to predict (and I can’t all the meds daily). I’m far from alone in still suffering from issues related to COVID-19 after it’s considered healed and gone which people seem unable to understand. Be considerate of those in your lives (or yourself) that have contracted the virus and seemingly weathered it. Listen to and respect that experiences of COVID-19 vary widely and without and current obvious logic.

I was however surprised that after my hiatus I hadn’t lost much strength, if any, when going back to weightlifting. I started out pseudo-careful, going back 1-2 units of weight with each exercise but quickly realized I didn’t have to. And at this point I’ve increased the weights of all exercises once if not three units! It should have been a relief but doesn’t have the same gravity as the weight gain, yet I try my best to desperately cling to it as a positive aspect in all this.

(7 months in, post 2-month quarantine and 4-week vacation)

Weight: 145,4 kg (+ 5,6 kg)

Waistline: 145 cm (+ 3 cm)

Chest: 132 cm (+ 1 cm)

Biceps: 40 cm (+ 1 cm)

Dex. Thigh: 74 cm (+ 3 cm)

Sin. Thigh: 71 cm (+ 2 cm)

Growing up my mother used to cook pork chops in the oven with sambal oelek, crème fraîche and soy sauce, served with rice. Tender and salty meat with a slight kick and a water sauce perfect to get soaked up with the rice. I made it myself for the first time in half a decade with some leftover chops in the freezer and that inspired me to make a vegetarian variation.

I mixed fatty crème fraîche with Japanese soy sauce and sambal oelek that I then dolloped onto a pork chop and dressed with some thinly sliced champignons. You have to go with fatty crème fraîche because the low-fat alternatives won’t set when cooked. I prefer Japanese soy for this recipe since it’s watery and less concentrated, because it requires quite a lot. My mom wouldn’t have mushrooms on but I find it pairs well with the heavy soy flavour. (I’ve also made a vegetarian variant of the recipe where I filled portobello hats with some canned pineapple and the same mixture.)

Nostalgic joy! I’m from the northern part of Sweden and grew up on various products from Norrmejerier, which is the big local producer of dairy in the area. Since I moved to the West Coast I can’t get my hands on stuff from Norrmejerier anymore which hasn’t been hard to cope but I do miss drinking real milk and baking with proper butter every now and then. And then one day, suddenly... there it was! CHEESE!

I’ve mentioned before that I’m working on clearing out my freezer of stuff so what little space I got in there is mainly filled with prepped food. I had some pre-cooked and diced chicken that I fried up canned chanterelles, fresh champignons, white onion, garlic and fresh thyme. Two quickly whisked eggs became the wrapping for this mixture along with some nice northern cheese (not the mammoth kind).

Roughly a week ago was when I had planned to start attempting the Couch25K (couch-to-five-kilometers) challenge but had to postpone it due high levels of snot. Since the flows had subsided I decided to start the challenge Monday instead. Better later than never, right?

Note: Before undertaking this, I haven’t been able to properly exercise for 3 weeks other than talking walks. I had done some test-runs on a treadmill at the gym, but still, running outside is really rough. For the first attempt I had to stop after 7 out of 8 jogs because of the burn of lactic acid in my calves, and sadly I hadn’t even started panting at that point. I gave it another try today and managed to only pause 4 times! It feels like an uphill battle because on the treadmill I managed the entire first run without a single break, at three different times, which I guess made me think it wouldn’t be -THIS- hard.

During the last jog of today’s attempt I moved past a man that later caught up with me when I was resting my calves. I didn’t know what he was saying and would guess he was talking Italian, but I suspect he was trying to praise and motivate me, which was very pleasant. At least if I don’t think about it too much.

I found this when I was cleaning out and sorting some storage, a genuine internet classic! To me, this image features body goals, each and all of them fall under what I would like and aspire to gain.

Probably gonna fall somewhere between Big Boy and Bush Goliath (when I haven’t shaved my back). A Bush Boy?!

Today I should have started my Couch-to-5K journey but I have to admit defeat to something else that’s “running”...

I’ve been on a ginger-kick lately! And it kinda started before Corona broke out so can’t really blame the on-going pandemic. For one, it’s used in a lot of Chinese cooking so there’s been quite a few knobs of it my kitchen because of that. And second, it’s just a flavour and ingredient that works well during this time of year as part of various flu remedies or just imbuing a sense of warmth in winter. Not that we’ve actually had winter yet where I reside...

This recipe was heavily influenced by Maangchi’s recipe of saenggangcha, or Korean ginger tea. From what I’ve gathered I think the term tea is used solely in this case, merely denoting something steeped in water for taste and not including actual tea leaves. (Maangchi’s video)

Simple and quick. Some peeled fresh ginger, either grated or cut, with equal amount of honey. I added the zest of one lemon as well. Either pour on hot water or let steep in cold water, garnish with some pine nuts. Not sure what the nuts are meant to add, because I can’t really make a big difference with or without them and often opt for without because I’ve made some pulp-y tea. I had used a light and floral honey so not to be too sweet but it’s too light, next time I’ll go for a more sweet and flavourful honey, some molasses-y notes.

CW: fat anxiety, fat angst, body hatred, body talk

Today is the tenth day of my exile for the better of the realm*. I’ve been writing about my eating habits and general relation to food, but the current climate has kinda sidetracked me.

I’m currently dealing with some elevated levels of fat-angst, compared to every other day, and the cause is two-fold. Due to the pandemic, the chain of gyms I work out at closed down in the 12th of March, they opened up again today but I still can’t go because I caught cold with a throat-itch that just won’t pass. This leaves me with a series of worries with varying levels of being realistic ones.

Despite all that stops me from working out, I still feel guilty for not doing it. I don’t owe it to anyone to do it, barely even myself.

I’m anxious about what this period of lax activity is gonna cost me in terms of progress, both my strength when it comes to lifting and my stamina overall, but probably most impact, decreased muscle mass. Even though I’m aware the a few weeks pause from the gym doesn’t in itself have to mean a massive drop in either of these.

I’m afraid that I’m just packing on the weight that I’ve worked so hard to shed. I catch myself imagining feeling as if my body is actively bloating and expanding when the anxiety hits me the hardest. Even if I’m not working out I am still trying to count calories. Admittedly I am struggling with controlling/subduing my appetite these last few days, so it’s not too unrealistic if this month’s weighing will become a disappointment.

What’s most worrisome and most realistic is the fear that this will cause me to loose steam. Not losing progress or gaining some weight back, but loosing whatever has kept me going so hard since December, because it’s something I can’t fully grasp or control. People have mentioned that they are impressed by my motivation, but I don’t feel motivated, more bull-headed than anything. And this might just be what breaks the bulls back...

All these things along with the social isolation and lack of physical interaction has left me spiraling a few moments and struggling with old mind-ghosts, like the state of my body repelling everyone around me and so on. Despite the cold I’ve been talking slow walks everyday, to handle the angst. I got the internet too, I’m trying to distract myself and focus on other stuff that I enjoy and poke and annoy people that I enjoy chatting with. I have made it a temporary routine to try and be clothed, at least on the upper body, as much as possible and not allow myself to spend time in front of the mirrors at home.