#difk

Weight: 142,4 kg (- 1,3 kg)

Waistline: 143 cm (-1 cm)

Chest: 125 cm (- 4 cm)

Biceps: 40 cm (0)

Dex. Thigh: 73 cm (0)

Sin. Thigh: 68 cm (- 2 cm)

(7 months in, post 2-month quarantine and 4-week vacation)

Weight: 145,4 kg (+ 5,6 kg)

Waistline: 145 cm (+ 3 cm)

Chest: 132 cm (+ 1 cm)

Biceps: 40 cm (+ 1 cm)

Dex. Thigh: 74 cm (+ 3 cm)

Sin. Thigh: 71 cm (+ 2 cm)

I’ve struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. Looking at pictures of myself as a kid I don’t see an overweight child but I distinctly remember being larger than everyone else my age. Even when I’d lost a lot of weight I never felt or saw myself as anything other than fat (and all negative connotations that means), but I’m getting ahead of myself. Over the holidays I re-watched the ‘Lord of the Rings’-trilogy, as is tradition in Sweden, and the sight of the uruk-hai did something to me. I’m hesitant to call it motivation, even though that’s the most apt description, because it was different than what motivation usually feels like to me. More seething rather than energizing. As soon as I got home I went to the gym for the first time in a long time, without thought and without a real plan, which felt somewhat awkward when I got there. That was almost a month ago and now I’m closing in on “weighing day”, meaning I’m anxious. Going through this journey, again, and doing it publicly initially feels stupid because I’m setting myself up to feel even worse about it, but at the same time I feel like I might be able to find some motivation in the exposure.

I started this blogs a few years back when I began one of my many failed attempts at weight loss, establishing healthier habits and learning to love my body but never got around to actually publishing anything. Another year or so later I posted some food pics and descriptions to share with some intern(et)ational friends.

I cannot fully recall how I came across Li Ziqi’s YouTube channel other than that it wasn’t at all what I was looking for. She (alongside her partner, I believe) make videos that center around cooking and sometimes handicraft with traditional ingredients and techniques to the Sichuan province of China. Their home, kitchen area, tools and container are in majority traditional stuff and non-plastic which really plays into the *LARP:er side of me. Quality and editing is top notch and the music most of the time really adds to the ambiance. It gives me the feeling of majestic or tranquil nature movies, so even worth a watch if you’re not gonna try a recipe or technique out.

*I’d totally pay money to go to a LARP set in such a kitchen/house with similar stock and just cook for a weekend. One-and-a-half or so years ago when I first watched her content none of the videos had subtitles and the Chinese characters were most often so complex I had no chance to try and find a translation. Sometimes some kind people in the comments would clarify things, like what some ingredient was. Today, however, over half of Li Ziqi’s videos have been subtitled (with varying accuracy I suspect) that actually makes it possible to at least mimic her cooking.

So far I’ve only ever tried 3-4 dishes based on her videos, but cooked some of them several times in attempts to make them more genuine to the source material (with some hard-to-get ingredients) or just because I really like food. The list of things I want to try my hands on is long and grows longer with almost every video she releases, so expect to see her mentioned more in the future.

Weight: 139,8 kg (-6,5 kg)

Waistline: 142 cm (-7 cm)

Chest: 131 cm (- 5 cm)

Biceps: 39 cm (+ 2 cm)

Dex. Thigh: 71 cm (+ 2 cm)

Sin. Thigh: 69 cm (+ 2 cm)

I can’t deny that things are happening based on the numbers after 2 months. It took a moment to digest but I’m happy with it and I was genuinely surprised that I had gain some decent muscle-mass too. Friends and colleagues, who met me face-to-face or seen some photos, have pointed out that they can tell a difference from some times back or earlier pics. And not all of them have felt like supporting comments fueled by pity!

I however, hadn’t noticed any changes. Despite spending more hours in front of mirrors than I want to admit, searching for something that shows I’m actually loosing weight, or even having pictures to compare side-by-side or even overlapped, I saw nothing. Nor do I feel lighter or smaller. None of my everyday activities feel easier to accomplish (apart from being able to lift heavier, but not my own body weight) nor do any of my clothes feel bigger in any way.

CW: fat anxiety, fat angst, body hatred, body talk

Today is the tenth day of my exile for the better of the realm*. I’ve been writing about my eating habits and general relation to food, but the current climate has kinda sidetracked me.

I’m currently dealing with some elevated levels of fat-angst, compared to every other day, and the cause is two-fold. Due to the pandemic, the chain of gyms I work out at closed down in the 12th of March, they opened up again today but I still can’t go because I caught cold with a throat-itch that just won’t pass. This leaves me with a series of worries with varying levels of being realistic ones.

Despite all that stops me from working out, I still feel guilty for not doing it. I don’t owe it to anyone to do it, barely even myself.

I’m anxious about what this period of lax activity is gonna cost me in terms of progress, both my strength when it comes to lifting and my stamina overall, but probably most impact, decreased muscle mass. Even though I’m aware the a few weeks pause from the gym doesn’t in itself have to mean a massive drop in either of these.

I’m afraid that I’m just packing on the weight that I’ve worked so hard to shed. I catch myself imagining feeling as if my body is actively bloating and expanding when the anxiety hits me the hardest. Even if I’m not working out I am still trying to count calories. Admittedly I am struggling with controlling/subduing my appetite these last few days, so it’s not too unrealistic if this month’s weighing will become a disappointment.

What’s most worrisome and most realistic is the fear that this will cause me to loose steam. Not losing progress or gaining some weight back, but loosing whatever has kept me going so hard since December, because it’s something I can’t fully grasp or control. People have mentioned that they are impressed by my motivation, but I don’t feel motivated, more bull-headed than anything. And this might just be what breaks the bulls back...

All these things along with the social isolation and lack of physical interaction has left me spiraling a few moments and struggling with old mind-ghosts, like the state of my body repelling everyone around me and so on. Despite the cold I’ve been talking slow walks everyday, to handle the angst. I got the internet too, I’m trying to distract myself and focus on other stuff that I enjoy and poke and annoy people that I enjoy chatting with. I have made it a temporary routine to try and be clothed, at least on the upper body, as much as possible and not allow myself to spend time in front of the mirrors at home.