i’ve spent this year documenting every attempt I’ve made to lose weight. I can finally see clearly how they all come with their own set of benefits and disadvantages despite the outcome being the same: weight loss.
the goal? yes, weight loss. but also longevity. and health. and clarity. But most importantly: balance.
when I first started tracking this year it sent me spiraling into the worse episode of binging that i’ve had since I was in high school. i’m unfortunately still suffering from the financial strain this put on me along with the extra 10-15lbs that I gained while compulsively eating.
I wouldn’t say that the tracking was the only thing that sent me spiraling. it was honestly more of what came when I decided to “eat intuitively.” I like the structure of tracking, I like the money I save tracking, I like knowing that when I step on that scale it’ll be the same or a little less. But when I stopped at the beginning of the year I used it as an excuse to have a free for all. I wish I journaled during this time because reading it over would’ve help me better understand what it was that I was feeling and how I could spend so long doing it.
Thankfully, I’m no longer binging. I did realize how much tracking helps to keep my entire life in order. meal prepping frames my entire week. logging everything, hitting my numbers, having everything packed and ready for the week has become like a checklist in my brain — I can’t think about anything else until this is first completed. and I mean that literally. i’m juggling so many things at once it’s the only way I can compartmentalize without drowning and it keeps my adhd at bay. I love actionable steps, which is likely why intuitively eating sent me into a spiral.
But I wasn’t always like this… before I moved to the city, and actually when I first moved to the city, I didn’t think about this in the same way. it almost felt like this entire chapter of “trying to lose weight” had ended. the problem came when I first stepped on the scale in my first sublet and realized that I weighed 195lbs — less than I could actually remember. I dropped 10lbs within a month by abandoning all of my social plans and tracking everything I ate. I remember this vividly because I realized I had no plans with Vic and I cancelled any other events around eating or drinking. Here lies the issue with tracking: it works swimmingly if it aligns with your lifestyle. And unfortunately, it doesn’t align with mine.
After losing those 10lbs and looking the best i’ve felt in years, I quickly gained another 15lbs just by getting back to my life. I’m blessed with a very social life: I go out to eat often, I drink often, catered lunches and happy hours are a big part of my social life and my professional life. Out of all of the ways i’ve tried to lose weight, i’d choose just to track and move on. I’ve learned that this is also part of the issue — I track for four days, and then I go on a bender for 3 days traveling or seeing my friends/family, then I feel like shit and stress myself to track for another 4/5 days until my next social or professional event.
All in all, it’s just not working. Not because I can’t, but because I shouldn’t. I have to admit that i’ll never reach my goal weight this way not because i’ve given up or because i’m not trying hard enough, but because it doesn’t fit my lifestyle. And I don’t want less life — god willing i’ll be blessed to have more. And I have to admit to myself. I can’t get out of doing the hard work of eating healthy every day, by default, choosing the healthiest option 90% of the time, and incorporating this into who I am for the rest of my life. I can’t cheat my way out of this because it is the only option left. With tracking, it could take me 4-5months. But i’ve finally realized that I don’t have 4-5months of doing nothing. I tried that in the winter and I would literally order takeout just to feel something. Doing it this way? Will take closer to a year. But that’s a year of social events, dates, birthdays, professional drinks, family lunches, prefix menus, monthly dinners with friends, and happy hours. Which, to me, sounds like a year well spent.
