the real king of hell

Lotion bars!

Everyone’s hands have been super dry with all the handwashing lately.

So I started making lotion bars….. and kept making lotion bars…. and now have way more than the folks in my circle will ever use.  

Lotion bars are for sale! In the bee and honeycomb patterns pictured above. 

$3 for one, 

OR

$2.50 if purchased and shipped with something else from me.

I also have a bunch of soaps!

I have these D&D dice soaps.  These are glycerin soaps molded in fun shapes with a 7 dice set embedded in them.  No one said all the handwashing had to be boring or without a prize at the end of the bar!

$8 per soap

And since I’m clearing out my stash of items I’ve tried to sell.  These are also up for going to new homes.  These are also glycerin soaps with dice and toys embedded in them.  These ones though have had soap sweat and have small almost crystals form on the outside edges.  Still work great as soap! Just look a little silly.

Now $1.50 per selection of crystallized soap

OR 

Free if you let me pick one totally at random!

If you prefer a soap with some scent I have a few with basic scents to them.

I also have these woodland shapes soaps with a touch of rosemary essential oil in them.  One of my favorite scents! and each soap has a slice of loofah in them to help scrub your hands of dead skin and germs.

And if rosemary isn’t your thing I also have bugs (with a little of the crystalization I mentioned earlier) with rosewater scent to them! Still with that slice of loofah to help exfoliate.

$4 per loofah soap

$3.50 If the a soap with crystals on the outside

But I don’t only do soaps and lotions (even if those are important for us these days)

These are crocheted cotton spa/bath accessories.  There are:

 $0.75 per Round facial cloths 

$5 per soap pouch/washcloth pouch

$3 trans pride or spring (green/yellow/blue) washcloth

$6 Hat scarf set

$4 Hat each

$4 Scarf each

Pride beaded pouch (the three pictured are what’s available currently, first come, first serve)

$9 genderqueer, pansexual (with pale pink), transgender (with darker blue)

Aaaaand last but not least! I spin and make yarn!

Contact me for availability and details, price range from $8-$12 per skein

Sorry that was a lot…. but I want to get lotion bars and soap out there and being used! All prices do not include shipping costs.  Reach out to me and we can get you a great goody bag of wonderful to help you in this scary time!

everyone knows dragons aren’t real. any scientist will tell you that tales of giant flying beasts wreaking havoc from the sky is a total made up myth for little babies and also it’s not true.

but today, I’m going to let you in on a little secret:

scientists can be liars sometimes.

welcome to an all-new episode of Weird Biology and today, you are going to learn about a fucking dragon.

FIRE AND BLOOD! FIRE AND BLOOD! FIRE AND BLOOD!

even though it looks like a creature straight out of medieval myth, the Bearded Vulture is (allegedly) a bird! also called the Lämmergeier or Ossifrage (both metal as shit but difficult to pronounce), the Bearded Vulture can be found in mountain ranges across Europe and Asia.

but before we get much further, I need to give you a proper sense of scale. Bearded Vultures have wingspans of up to nine feet, weigh up to 17 pounds and can be almost four feet tall. 

this fucking thing is at eye-level to a third grader.

like 8-year-olds don’t have enough problems already. jesus.

and not only are they fucking huge, they’re they’re also smart. like, crows are smart, right? imagine a four foot tall crow with knives for feet, the face of a velociraptor and a sheer delight in anarchy. that’s the Bearded Vulture. 

Bearded Vultures have complex social structures and advanced personal relations, but their intelligence shines best in the way they hunt.

yes, hunt. most vultures on the planet will only deign to eat things that have already died on their own, but the Bearded Vulture will sometimes… cut out the middleman. so to speak.

and then they eat him.

unlike other birds of prey, Bearded Vultures don’t rely on their claws to get a meal. instead, they have adopted a much more efficient and game-breaking method.

imagine you’re hiking alone through the mountains when suddenly HOLY SHIT a feathery dragon swoops out of nowhere and knocks you right the fuck off a cliff to your tragic and untimely death. it sounds like something from a Game of Thrones episode, but this regularly happens to tortoises, goats, and and in one really strange instance a monitor lizard. 

nobody ever said nature was nice.

after the prey has met its doom via physics engine abuse, the Bearded Vulture swoops down for a meal and is promptly sued by George R. R. Martin for copyright violation.

(ha ha! this was a joke! a funny joke! PLEASE DO NOT SUE ME, MR. MARTIN!)

seriously though, one of the most interesting and alarming aspects of the Bearded Vulture (out of many, so many) is their diet. once they have either found or “helped make” a carcass, they get down to business: they eat the bones, and only the bones.

that’s probably the most metal fact I’ve ever listed about a bird and I have listed a LOT of bird facts.

it’s right there in the name, “Ossifrage”, which means “bone-breaker”. (and that’s the SECOND most metal fact I’ve ever listed about a bird, by the way.) 

Bearded Vultures are the only bird whose diet is almost exclusively bones. like, we’re talking 85%-90% here. it’s a very high number. 

they swallow smaller bones whole, and crack the larger ones open by abusing physics again and flinging them off cliffs. it’s worth all that effort for the sweet sweet bone marrow hidden inside.

probably means they never have to worry about calcium deficiencies, either.

but most importantly, it means that Bearded Vultures have little to no direct competition! this cool bone-eating trick means that they’re the only predators in the area even interested in the stupid things. every other scavenger only wants the soft parts, meager fools that they are.

the only thing that a Bearded Vulture really needs to worry about is other Bearded Vultures. (and humans, but more on that later.) to ward other vultures off, they rub red dirt into their feathers and perform elaborate threat displays. the deeper and more visceral the red, the higher-status the vulture.

you can experience this effect yourself! simply dunk yourself in stage blood and then board your nearest public transportation device. the best seat is instantly yours! provided that nobody else is bloodier than you.

but all of this ridiculous dragon bullshit comes with a price.

in the middle ages, humans in europe were convinced that Bearded Vultures would: a) eat their sheep, and b) carry off and eat small children. (they were right about the sheep thing, to be fair.)

but because of these beliefs, frightened parents hunted down and slaughtered Bearded Vultures wherever they found them. and it turns out even an avian dragon is no match for projectile weapons.

the Bearded Vulture population in the Alps was completely wiped out by the 18th century. 

nothing motivates multiple generations of a human population like “THIS THING WILL EAT MY CHILDREN”.

but there is good news! Bearded Vultures are much more appreciated these days, and they have been successfully reintroduced to the Alps. they’re still going strong in the Himalayas, and also Ethiopia.

let’s hope these real-world dragons stick around and terrorize future generations of humans with their blood red feathers and horrific table manners. 

FIRE AND BLOOD! FIRE AND BLOOD! FIRE AND BLOOD!

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thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.

if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee or check out my Patreon to see extra content and support Weird Biology.

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hey guess what everyone, it’s time for a new installment of Weird Biology! yaaay! (CLAP NOW.)

this week’s animal might look like a children’s edutainment mascot, but it’s an avian death machine with built-in machine-gun sound effects. really.

so hold onto your butts folks, because it’s time to meet-

gesundheit! haha! please do not bite me!

the Shoebill is a stupidly huge modern dinosaur with a ginormous beak, which kind of looks like… uh, a shoe. (BLESS YOU)

the Shoebill (BLESS… fine, fine I’ll stop) has several different names in other languages. the best one by far the Arabic Abu Markub, which can be translated as “Father of a Slipper”. 

obviously this name is way, way better than anything I could ever come up with in a million years, and I should just quit my job and stop the article right here.

I won’t, though. you still have to read like another six paragraphs of this. suffer.

the Shoebill is a gigantic bastard of a bird, reaching up to five feet tall and fifteen pounds heavy. they’re simply too much bird to handle, especially when you consider that enormous clog of a beak. that odd bill may look like a cute dutch shoe, but the edges are razor-sharp and built to decapitate prey with a single heavy blow.

the Shoebill is what you would get if you were to take a Velociraptor and tape a fucking axe to its face, which kind of ruins the friendly muppet look they’ve got going on.

(that and the death glare.)

HEY KIDS! let’s have a staring contest! Timmy why are you crying

the Shoebill is found in tropical East African swamps and wetlands. they stalk around in the reeds and generally skulk around like most cranes and herons do, but with a couple of important differences. (yes, those differences are all scary. hang on.)

first, Shoebills are hunting for larger prey than your typical heron or crane. and while they do usually go after fish and eels up to 3 feet long (!!!), the Shoebill is a criminal of opportunity. they will eat anything, from baby crocodiles to smaller waterfowl to baby antelopes. BABY. FUCKING. ANTELOPES.

so maybe don’t trust them around your children, is what I’m getting at here.

HEY KIDS! who wants to see if I can fit this ENTIRE DUCK in my mouth? TIMMY, YOU’RE NEXT.

second, Shoebills are very, very, veryveryvery patient. they stand next to the water and just. don’t. move. you’d think the Shoebill was trying to win a staring contest with the river, but I can assure you that it’s nothing that innocent. the Shoebill is waiting.

 once an edible-looking fish/eel/nile monitor/baby antelope swims by, the Shoebill strikes. five feet of hungry bird slams beak-first into its potential meal, swinging it around a few times like a Jurassic Park Velociraptor (to get the mud off. mud is gross even to Shoebills), and snipping the head clean off with that terrible beak. oh, and then the Shoebill swallows it whole. headfirst. (it would be if the prey still had a head attached, anyway.)

AAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAA!

awful table manners aside, Shoebills actually do manage to scrounge up some compassion in their black black hearts when it comes to their children. 

*paper rustles* wait. hang on, I read that wrong. ahaha, whoops! they don’t, actually.

at the end of the rainy season, two Shoebills will court by making machine-gun sound effects with their beaks at each other. (really) once they have decided they can stand each other long enough to make some beautiful babies together (Shoebills are notoriously antisocial), the pair wander off to a distant corner of the swamp, where they will build a fuckoff huge nest and lay up to three eggs. awww!

however, only one of those eggs is going to make it to adulthood.

take a quick break to stare at something adorable.

this is by design. the strongest chick will become a strong adult. “wait… how do they know who’s the strongest?” you ask tremulously, an unnamable fear in your eyes. you are correct to be wary! the answer is siblicide.

that’s right, the strongest chick will straight-up murder its weaker siblings by shoving them out of the nest to drown/be eaten by crocodiles. and the parents just kind of watch. jesus.

I mean, I GUESS that’s as good a way as any to make sure at least one chick is strong enough to make it, but man.

don’t trust these guys around your children, that’s all I’m saying.

HEY KIDS, it’s time for TODDLER DEATHMATCH! may the strongest offspring prevail!

despite their many nightmarish qualities, Shoebills remain an iconic bird and a valuable part of the ecosystem (why, without them we’d be knee deep in baby antelopes). they have appeared in human art and culture from the Ancient Egyptians to The Audobon Society. 

they’re pretty neat.

Shoebills are also currently considered Vulnerable, with their habitat under threat from human encroachment. we really, really, really hope that this giant murderbird continues to thrive in the future, mostly so that if the day ever comes when someone points up into the air and cries “Look! A Shoebill!” we can all turn around in unison and scream,

 “GESUNDHEIT!”

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thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.

if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee to support Weird Biology.

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Fun fact: Arizona is the only place in the country where the state mine inspector is an elected position

HIGGHwAAAAy

route 8