Life of Da Muffin

I'm student teaching for elementary music right now. My first week I was anticipating the "are you a boy or a girl" question... and it came. But in the most hilarious way possible that's too good not to share.

*introduced to the classroom*

Student: I have a question.

Me: Yes.

Student: YOU LOOK LIKE BATMAN! (explains why my eyeliner makes me look like Batman.)

Me: ...thanks.

*few minutes later

Student 2: Why does it look like your wearing make-up?

Me: Because I am.

Student 2: Only girls wear make-up.

Me: No, you're wrong.

Student 2: Are you a girl?

Me: ...nooo, I'm not a...

Student 2: YOU'RE WONDER WOMAN!

Me: Oh gosh.

Student 2: I'm keeping my eyes on you!!!!

Yet it takes a lot to remain that way.

I don't know.

I keep thinking I'm strong, maybe I'm not...

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. With my life's progress and with my boyfriend. He's trying to find a job and move to be with me.

I feel lonely, though.

And my ex is getting married in four months. We never talk. I shouldn't be so upset. I have my boyfriend. I love him. But nostalgia hits...

I saw a throwback picture of us that first year and the only real smile I had in a picture pre 2011.

I see pictures of him and his fiance and the clothes he wears... I was there when he bought half of them. Most if not all are older than the relationship he's in now. I was there when he bought the shirt for his engagement photos.... Hell, I think I helped him pick it out.

I just can't help myself from looking at his Facebook.

He's not the person I loved but I didn't expect it to get to this point, where we're perfect strangers.

Maybe this is just rough because I don't see my boyfriend all of the time, because I'm so lonely...

But there's another part of me that is worried that he is just going to move here and I won't be what he's expected.

I'm already kind of having to mother him from afar, be responsible for him.

I don't want to be a mom to my man, that's why I left my ex.

It's like... am I actually depressed? Or just over dramatic...

I've had the urge to cut out everyone and everything. To just stay in my room, alone, not leave my bed.

It's unacceptable.

So I go out there and do my schoolwork, because that's what I'm supposed to do. I go to events. Talk to people. Make jokes. hell, I was in a wedding this weekend. I have an awesome boyfriend, albiet long distance... I'm never actually alone.

But I feel really alone lately.

Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

I want to tell Adam about this pain I'm feeling but I don't want to ruin his trip.

I think about breaking up with him daily because it's just too hard and it'll probably happen anyways. Who knows if it'll be tomorrow or three years from now.

I don't know.

and on the other hand.... I don't want anyone to be concerned about me.

it's bothersome at times if they check up on me. It's a waste of their time. they're not actually interested, they don't really care, so why ask.

I seriously like my boyfriend. We haven’t officially brought up that silly “L” word yet. I think he’s such a great guy. I mean, he has his issues- don’t we all? And I see some serious road blocks in front of us... Though, to be fair, there are already a few we’ve jumped over.

Having Him in my life has been a huge joy to me- but has also been exhausting and confusing. He says some things, he does other things... I some times have no clue what he wants from me. We go crazily fast on some things, like sex, but when it came to being “official”... It took about six months for him to be comfortable with it.

My instincts yell at me that I need to get out at times... So far I’m ignoring them, because I really care for this idjit. I feel like he just needs time, patience... and where am I really going? I already spent seven years of my life with Nick... if things go downhill with this guy, I’m pretty sure he’ll figure it out pretty soon... I have 3 years until my “real life” starts. Hopefully he can figure out what he wants within that time.

I fear, with distance, things... just won’t work. He has a certain need for physicality that I won’t be able to keep up with as a full time student at school. I can’t move to Wisconsin- not yet. I can’t afford rent by myself, Tim most likely will move with his boyfriend, and my boyfriend isn’t ready for that commitment... nor will I ever force him to make a move of that sort.

Speaking of that... I’m still so screwed up over my past relationship, it’s hideous. 

The most recent thing that’s really bugging me... We talked about when we’d move in together. He doesn’t want to move in together until we’re engaged. I’m over here hoping that we can kind of move a little bit forward in this next year or two, maybe I’d finish my education in Wisco... Well, that destroyed my hope. Because I can’t move to Wisco on my own to be closer to Him so we can date more.  Because I can’t even imagine accepting a proposal from a man I haven’t lived with for a year. I lived with Nick for, what, three or four years... things went to shambles. You don’t know your significant other until you live with them. I lived with Nick and things fell so far apart. He started taking me for granted. What’s to say that won’t happen again with Him? Not to mention he had one serious girlfriend before me, and that was in high school? He hasn’t even gotten to that point in a relationship yet, the point where you’re getting tired of the other person, the point where you almost have to choose to keep loving them.... What if He gets to that point and He finds that he doesn’t really like me as much as he thought he did?

There’s other things. I’m so prepared for him to leave. Always. So I feel like I have one foot in and another out of the relationship. Like, hey, it’s great if I get to keep him, but he’ll probably find another that catches his interest more... I don’t want my heart broken again. I don’t think I can survive it being broken again. It completely destroyed me the first time. I want to trust him, so much, but... Well, things that happened before we were “together” makes it hard.... 

Then the fact that he hasn’t said he loves me yet... or not even knowing if he does... or can.... I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me again. I’m so scared. Because I always love people more. I always get attached. I always invest more than they do. I don’t... I don’t want that again.

I’m tired. I’m confused. I really like this guy. I really want it to work. He lifts me up so much. I have definitely come into myself more as a woman due to him. I’m confident now. I’m so happy when I’m around him and I feel so special. He makes me want to be a better person. He’s got such a massive, sweet heart... I want to say that I hope I can earn his love some day. But part of me thinks that if he doesn’t feel that way about me now, he probably won’t ever. Love doesn’t just appear one day out of nowhere- it finds you.