I donât know how many times Iâll have to write about suicide and the toxic treatment given so freely to idols and artists in general.
Today I woke up, after a not so good sleep (flu is a terrible thing after all), with my dad wearing a sad knowing look on his face and saying âI didnât want to give you the news like this, but I know you wouldnât have it any other way. Sulli is dead.â
As I listen to David Bowieâs âAs The World Falls Downâ, it serves as soundtrack for yet another grieving and warning text of mine. Itâs a falling in love song, but itâs also so becoming of goodbyes⌠What can I say? I have no words⌠Itâs tiring, you know?
When you appreciate an artist, when you love them for the troubles they went through to give us such amazing and relatable works⌠You feel a bit emptier every time one of those artists passes away.
Iâve been a Beatlemaniac since my motherâs womb (thank you, dad) and âJohnâ was one of the first words Iâve ever said, so, I remember lying on my bed one nice and warm night, dad tucking me in and, after he sang a John Lennonâs song, I asked something about John in the present tense. Dad had the same look in his eyes as today, when he told me that âoh, darling⌠I should have told you. Of course, you donât know⌠John is deadâŚâ and went on to tell a 7-year-old me the tale of John Lennonâs demise. I grieved an idol for the first time back then, only to repeat the process when George Harrison died a few months later.
Some might think itâs foolish to feel so deeply for the death of an artist that never knew who you were. It isnât. Gratitude, wishful thoughts of well-being, appreciative thoughts, I believe they all reach those we love without us having to be personally close.
Iâve grieved John, George, Jonghyun, Bowie⌠And I ask for your understanding, because Iâm going to grieve Sulli.
Iâm not gonna write about suicide⌠Iâm not gonna write about how the signs were clear⌠Iâm not even gonna write about how hypocritical people are for apologizing only when sheâs passed, because that seriously angers me to a point I donât want to get.
Iâm sad. Iâm angry. Iâll be okay. But let me grieve.
Tomorrow Iâll go back to the university from the recess⌠What a great combo of feelings to begin a new semester.
You will be missed, Sulli. Not only as a member of f(x), but as the individual you ARE. I say ARE, because I believe in a continuity after passing to the other world.
I donât even have tears to cry⌠I suppose theyâll fall when Iâm asleep later⌠Or perhaps another of us, in this system, will shed themâŚ
I just need to play some games, listen to some musicâŚ
