Princess of Hell

having 40 minutes to leave the house is terrible because 40 minutes is basically 30 minutes and 30 minutes is basically 20 minutes and 20 minutes is basically fifteen seconds. but 50 minutes? 50 minutes is an hour, and an hour? ooobh thats plany off time

Hey girl is that a knife that just fell through a hole in your pocket down your pant leg or is your penis very sharp and by your ankle

you may be losing the idgaf war but they wouldn't even let me enlist. on account of my poet's temperament.

not what I thought they was talkin about

It IS true that being on here gives you a tumblr accent. This morning my mother asked me something and i replied "i don't know i've never heard these words in that order" and she nearly choked laughing. It wasn't even that funny

at my old job i had a coworker who was tired and made a coffee with like 6 or 8 shots of espresso and i just casually went up to them like “are you trying to meet god?” and not only was this absolutely hilarious to them but they brought it up in future conversations they thought it was so funny but to me this was just as casual as saying “woah that’s a lot of coffee”

Being funny on Tumblr and then going to be funny in real life is like traveling to a foreign country and baby the currency exchange rate is biased in your favor

sun wukong... very nasty monkey. the jade emperor did him a Big Favor making him the protector of the peaches of immortality, but sun wukong, Tricky Sun Wukong i call him, he stole the peaches! theyre very good peaches, they only bloom every 3000 years. not for monkeys! well it doesnt matter now, laozi put him in a prison, a new kind of prison, theyre calling it Eight-Way Trigram Crucible! theyre going to make a potion of out sun wukong!

Like a half hour after taking pain relief meds: oh actually it doesnt hurt anymore i probably didnt even need to take those