Wwho Even Cares Buddyo

every time it rains i have the urge to say “well our plan to stand alone in a field with a metal rod is out” which no one ever recognizes is from phineas and ferb but usually kills anyway

the thing about fruit flies is that in the abstract, they live peaceful and irreproachable lives nibbling on overripe fruit and its attending microbes, but practically speaking they awaken some sort of primordial rage within me. Get off my bananas you little fucks

there's a group of high school boys in this McDonald's and I just heard one of them say "I bet you you cannae break your own arm" so something interesting might happen shortly

update: they are settling the bet by googling whether or not it's possible for a person to deliberately break their own arm. narratively this is a letdown but I suppose in other ways it's for the best

ive invented (note: dubious claim) something i call the bear diet which is mostly fruits and vegetables with fish as the main protein source and something like once a month you eat a few hyperprocessed foods of your liking because that is when you, the bear, raid a dumpster in the suburbs

after the hyperprocessed foods, do you take tranquilizers to simulate getting captured by animal control and returned to the wild?

i would settle for melatonin gummies but well. knock yourself out

yarr i lost all me treasure fuck me salty sea dog life im gonna walk me own plank

forgot until just now that when i went to the grocery store today i turned down the oil/vinegar aisle and there was a store employee stocking the shelf and he said "welcome to the land of wonders" to me for some reason

When I was at the natural history museum, the fossil section had stickers on the glass to engage children - things like "Flap your arms like a pterodactyl" or "Measure your hand against the mosasaurus." However the first of these I encountered, which I found alarming and threatening without context, was a sticker reading "Struggle like you are stuck in a tar pit"

first rule of storing tupperware is have fun and be yourself. second suggestion is slam the cabinet door quickly and don’t worry ‘bout it.