SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS

Are you a fisherman because I think you’re a reel catch

You spelled real wrong.

Throw this one back into the water boys we’ve got ourselves a city slicker

The person who writes news tickers in Sun City, AZ when llamas are let loose one day: I’ve been waiting my whole life for this…

I FOUND A PICTURE OF JOHN MULANEY IN COLLEGE AND??????? I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS MAN DID COCAINE

healing is worth it, you deserve to get better, you are brave for even considering it, I am so proud of you for waking up this morning 

I need me one of them things called “a hug”

This is Shakespearian.

I never want to see another post about environmental storytelling.

I was a professional juggler for like five years and all of my friends politely pretend it never happened.

Sometimes I will be holding three or more similarly sized objects and they will all shoot me the kind of warning glances typically reserved for cats who are about to swipe a fresh and crispy fish stick from a small child’s hand.

I gaze wistfully at a basket of apples and they all think, “Don’t you FUCKING dare,” so hard that I take psychic damage.

he sees you when you’re sleeping he knows which kinks to shame