Sorry if this is a too nsfw question, but what are your thoughts on kink/masturbation? I accidentally discovered I was into both as a late teen and have stayed as far away as possible, knowing I need to keep the Law of Chastity. It's gotten difficult because I've discovered I'm aro and I just feel more and more like I won't ever have a romantic partner, so no opportunity to experience/enjoy that part of mortality. Am I going to unhappy with this for the rest of my life?
I’m now in my 50′s and I’ve observed most everyone finds someone. As my aunt puts it, “Every pot finds a lid.”
I have an ace friend who married and had to negotiate with their partner about the role of sexual activity in their relationship. While sex wasn’t important to my friend, sex was important to their partner. My friend was not sex repulsed, so they collaborated together to find ways to satisfy the partner’s needs in a way that didn’t demean or harm my ace friend.
Regardless of romantic attachment styles, a person can still experience love. Aro people still have social needs, and need emotional support and community.
As an aro person, you can be in a healthy, satisfying relationship without needing romance. Many people do have an emotional need for romance. This is something to discuss with potential partners.
It’s possible for you to enjoy the activities commonly considered romantic even if they don’t prompt romantic feelings in yourself. Because it’s not meeting a need for you, romantic gestures may not be something you’re prone to do spontaneously, but knowing it’s important to your partner/spouse means you can choose to do things to help meet their needs and expectations.
Successful relationships require a lot of collaboration, compromise, learning what your partner needs and them learning what you need.
What behaviors are considered romantic vary by culture. For example, in the United States, romantic partners are more likely to hold hands. In South Korea, friends hold hands (yes, even two male friends), it’s not a romantic behavior. I point this out because regardless of a person’s romantic orientation, most humans are wired to seek physical connection with others in some form. The amount of physical affection enjoyed varies by individual. One problem single queer people have, particularly in the church, is they are touch starved.
I understand that the rest of the world seems obsessed with romance and that can be intimidating as you think about your future possibility for relationships, it’s not a deal breaker. There’s no reason to think you can’t find happiness in a loving relationship with a partner. The main obstacle to finding such a relationship is if you don’t put yourself out there to meet and date people, if you’re willing to do that, I think the chances are very high you’ll be successful in finding someone to love.
You asked for my thoughts on masturbation and kink.
I’ve posted several times about masturbation, here’s 2 posts I think may be helpful in how to view masturbation: #1 and #2.
A friend recently told me their Mission President said it’s a good thing he doesn’t have to send people home for masturbating, otherwise they’d have to shut down the mission. Similarly, if men were considered unworthy for masturbating, ward boundaries would have to be dramatically enlarged in order to find enough men worthy to hold all the callings needed for a ward to function. In other words, it’s a normal, natural behavior a majority of people engage in, whether single or married and regardless of age.
I don’t have much to share about kink other than everyone involved needs to provide consent, they need to be willing to participate and not shamed into it.
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