Honestly, I donāt really feel like I know who I am anymore. I donāt recognize this body anymore. I feel so detached from it. Wholly out of control of it. In the last 7-8 months Iāve gained 40-50 lbs, none of my Drs know why. My diet/activity really havenāt changed. Historically, Iāve struggled with #malabsorption & sudden weight loss. This is new & unexpected. Itās taking a toll I could not have imagined. Coming into the warm season this is taking it to another level, none of my favorite warm weather clothes fit. No matter how physically bad Iāve felt in the past, Iāve always been relatively confident in how Iāve looked. Further, the suddenness of the gain has impacted my joints. Iām having more trouble staying mobile than ever, my #chronic pain is worse, my #chronicfatigue is worse, my #migraines are worse, Iām experiencing new GI complications, my #allergies / #mcas symptoms have gotten SO much worse. I had some medical appointments this week, & now referrals back to several of my other specialists in the next month, l tons of labs, another MRI of my spine... Iām grateful for the care & attention, but scared & overwhelmed. Itās all very activating. Right now I am grieving. The life & roles I once had, the sense of ownership & control over my life & body, my former levels of function, my physical presentation. All pieces of me that feel chipped away, out of touch, out of my control. I feel sometimes like Iāve died & am just some remnant here haunting myself. A shadow version of myself, constantly trying to claw back to who I was & what all I used to do. But #Iamnotaghost & I have plenty of life left to live. Right now Iām grieving, & in pain in every way. And that fucking sucks. But also, I know what I have to be grateful for, & I am. I know, I need to allow myself some space & compassion to feel this pain for now before dusting off to try again. I know I am so much more than this hurt. But today, for now, I just need to sit with it. So, this is who I am. I am lost. I am pain. I am grief. I am also joy, & rainbows, & love, & music, & art, & energy, & advocacy. I am a voice. I am powerful. I will keep moving. No matter the pain. https://www.instagram.com/p/COViXZ2jUSv/?igshid=iryu8ximkyl6













