Hi!

Albedo came to be as an experiment, made by love but not for him, rather the achievement he represents. The 'masterpiece'. The closest Rhine has ever gotten to perfection. He was created to test limits.

Durin, however, was crafted with so much love. Not his original counterpart, no. That one was created for the same reason Albedo was, but the Durin we have right now was woven into reality with such kind intentions. The words M wrote into the pages were carefully written to give him the ending he so deserved, away from the tragedy that befell him. Though disaster did strike in Simulanka, it doesn't change the fact that he was so loved. And even after that, though his human body was created to avoid a catastrophe, it was also crafted by the want to fulfill a new life. To give a second chance to one who barely got a chance to begin with.

Both Scara and Albedo struggled after their birth. Scara, believing himself to be abandoned by his mother and everyone around him. Albedo, with how unpredictable his mother is, who he wholeheartedly believed would've followed through on her threats to leave him should he fail.

But Durin was born to unwavering support, a whole family that'll keep him steady through every road. Who'll teach him to be human, from the experience they gained on their own.

Scara and Albedo had to discover what it meant to be human on their own, being surrounded by those who the nature of it came easy to them because they were human. Not some Khemia or Khaenr'ian creation. But they didn't let Durin go through it on his own.

I'm paralyzed most of the time due to a lifetime of abuse. That's in big part why I relate so much with dolls and toys.

It's very simple and silly, my nervous system saw living is dangerous and doesn't respond to me anymore. But if someone else comes and moves my legs a little, or puts something cold on my wrists, my body starts to feel it's ok to move, so if then that person says "let's do this" and helps me, I can do it.

So twice a week someone does that. The rest of the week, I spend on the labyrinth of paralysis+sleep+hallucinations until around 15pm. Then I go bathroom, eat, and go back to bed, then depends. I can play with things that my arms reach, everything else is a no.

I don't choose my pajamas, nor my blankets, nor my food, nor anything. See, like a toy. I do have pajamas I like, but ms disability caretaker doesn't hand those.

My mom (ms disability caretaker) lives with me and explains others my case. Every morning she asks if I need help, knowing I'll respond no automatically and leaves. She does exercise on her own and tells me to move and complains that I don't. She brings me things but leaves them too far. (yes I'm a bit angry at her rn but she's not all bad).

Usually I see things because of dissociation, AIWS, or small hallucinations, so I get distracted. But when there's not even that it's just empty.

I think... Next I'm going to set up alarms. Set the most annoying alarms, so mom will have to turn them off and for that she needs to hear them, so if it says to put cold water on my wrists maybe it works? It'll be so annoying that maybe I break out of paralysis from getting angry at myself... Haha.

... To be clear, I've been told to do something against mom or get independent so many times... Or that I'm the bad one and I just have to try harder. That's why I usually avoid talking about this situation, so let's not talk about that please!

After a lot of back and forth… I made the alarm. It's a silly/funny audio explaining what to do, and I set it on her phone for 10am. She said she liked it, but also that waking me up must feel like torture for me so she doesn't want to do it. I told her that's not true, but next morning she still didn't help. So I wrote her a message explaining how this keeps hurting me... This is probably the 7th time I've tried to explain it, and she replied as always: "thank you" "you've opened my eyes"

BUT THEN next morning before 9am she woke me up and DID use the sanitizer (complaining about how sleepy she is because it's too early). But it did wake me up! And she also helped me do some exercise in the afternoon!! :0

But then soon after, she said in a heroic tone: "Do exercise! I'll keep insisting even if it annoys you!" when she KNOWS I can't do it on my own, so what does that even mean? Next, before sleep, she said I should rise the alarm volume because she doesn't understand what it says... Even though it's written on the door what to do too. Then she asked a bit annoyed "so you want me to wake you up at 7am?"... No????

It's like the last time I told her this hurts me, and the next days she'd bring an entire bucket of water with towels, complaining how heavy it is for her, while there's literally a small sanitizer bottle next to my bed. I just don't understand her thinking process.